Jeff Bezos gave me some funding to create a new planet: Bearth! Basically, it’s Earth. But, like, if humans didn’t destroy it.
How To Make Friends And Influence Your Deli Guy
Compliment your deli guy’s non-deli activity, such as his gait, his nimble cashier fingers, and his charming bigotries.
Gateway Dishes For Wanna-Be Breatharians
Breatharianism is minimalism on a plate—all to match your ultrapure white walls, tastefully colorless furniture, and listless dog.
The Second Coming of Christ Shall Take Place in This Applebee’s
Jesus will be among us, digging into a platter of boneless chicken wings and a Diet Coke for only $10.99 plus sales tax! Hallelujah!
A Digital Nomad’s Guide to Living in a Barbie Dreamhouse
I’ve always wanted to live out my Eat, Pray, Love fantasies, working remotely in some paradise Bali or wherever it was they shot Love Island two years ago.
Travel Tips: How to Order Coffee While Apologizing Profusely for American Empire
How to order coffee like a local, while also apologizing for the horrors of the last couple hundred years of American foreign policy.
We’re Sorry For Constructing The World’s Largest Titty Bar Over This Underground Volcanic Caldera
When a server perishes while trying to use her considerable udders to paddle to safety through 16 feet of white-hot magma, we all feel it.
Can Chuck E. Cheese Save America?
This post is about an unassuming Chuck E. Cheese deep in the Appalachian Mountains – there, you might find America at its best.
I Used to Be a Sourdough Starter
Believe it or not, I used to be front-of-the-fridge material. Don’t give me that look, you old three-year-old sauerkraut, it’s true!