Register for your 100% free subscription. Full details.
Dear Three Witches, We Are Serving You With A Notice Of Eviction
Dear Three Witches,
This letter is written on behalf of the Glendale Homeowners’ Association. We understand that you are newer inhabitants to the Merry Village Condominiums – however, you continue to commit HOA violations after many warnings. Therefore, in looking after the best interests of the community, an inspection was conducted on your property. What we found is grounds for the HOA to authorize an eviction. Please note the following violations:
1. Summoning Thunder
At first, we thought we were just having peculiar weather. When it was pointed out that the lightning strikes were coming from your condo specifically, we grew concerned.
We’re not meteorologists, but summoning thunder within close proximity of living quarters seems hazardous. Admittedly, the rain has helped the rooftop garden flourish beautifully. Unfortunately nobody is able to enjoy it because we now have young children scared and crying all the time. Though our condos were renovated just last year, it probably isn’t strong enough to sustain the frequent sizzle effects of thunder.
And they are quite frequent indeed. There have been 72 complaints during this month alone, about how loud it is during odd hours of the night. Even Unit B5, the 22 year-olds who constantly throws ragers, complained about the noise.
2. Not Picking Up After Pets
We’re all dog lovers here at Merry Village. That being said, we’re not sure that a massive six-headed hellhound that glows in the dark, such as in your case, would count as a normal dog.
Your demonic hellhound, Cupcake takes very, very big and yucky dumps on the sidewalks and you never pick up after them. Anita Collins from Unit C2 kindly offered you free doggy bags (the industrial garbage bags) but Cupcake burned them (and Anita) with its eyes. All twelve of them. She was very upset.
It’s not just that the poop devalues the property. It’s also just super annoying to step in dog poop! Neighbours have complained about getting their whole legs stuck in it. Yes, we know you’d have to be an idiot to accidentally step in hellhound poop that is visible from a mile away – but the trouble is that you can’t see it at night because it lacks the glow-in-the-dark features of its maker. Yes, you can still smell it in the dark, but you get what we mean.
3. It Smells Funky
Furthermore, we see you brewing questionable items in a cauldron that the entire street can smell, while chanting something like “double double, toil and trouble.” Now we’re not here to criticize anyone’s cooking, but it seems that when people breathe in these noxious fumes, they become homicidally obsessed with wanting to be the King of Scotland. We know we can’t actually prove this, but knowing you three used to live in Scotland, you can see how one might connect the dots.
We hired a private investigator to look into your previous tenancy and what we found was quite alarming. Among our discoveries, we learned that your surname is not actually “Weird.” (Apparently this nickname stems from a notorious reputation for being, well, incredibly weird. This whole time we thought you were the “Weird Sisters” in the same way as the “Jonas Brothers.”) You conveniently left those details out on your paperwork.
Regardless, the private investigator has mysteriously vanished, our neighbourhood’s crime rate has spiked since you got here, and on top of that – it smells real funky! Not in a good way.
Other significant complaints include:
- The time you knowingly brought poison to the 4th of July potluck
- Cupcake eating dogs and dog owners alike at the dog park
- Casting hexes in the TJ Maxx parking lot
- Kids being traumatized by the books you leave in our Little Free Library
- Each time we send someone from the HOA to speak with you in person to reach a better understanding, you turn them into toads
- A messy yard. Don’t you own like three brooms?
I think we’re past the point of being reasonable, so it is with regret that the HOA herewith removes you as unit owners. It’s unfortunate because some of us really enjoyed your tarot card readings.
If it’s any consolation, you apartment-hunting is better than us witch-hunting. We understand that sending you this letter is basically a death wish. However, we gently ask that you do not kill us upon vacating the property. Thank you for your cooperation.
Your Few Surviving Merry Village Neighbours
Please enjoy comedian Rami Essa’s depiction of Billy Porter: