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What You Would Find On An Amish Online Chat Forum (If They Used The Internet)

After connecting to the Web, you will find a list of conversations for your perusal. Topics range from quilting techniques to protecting your Bible...

Welcome to Amish World Wide Web Internet Conversation Forum! Ezekiel wanted to call it “Buggy Chat,” but that sounded too informal and incorrect. Buggies do not chat. After connecting to the World Wide Web, you will find a list of conversations for your perusal. The topics range from quilting techniques to protecting your Bible from sinful English hands. Let us take a look at what everyone is talking about on the Amish World Wide Web Internet Conversation Forum!


HenriettaLovestheLord: Jedediah keeps pretending the pole of the butter churn is his penis. Help? Sincerely, Henrietta

Zachariah_Troyer1699: Hello, Henrietta! Have you tried hiding the butter churn from Jedediah? Has he been watching those Hollywood movies again? Sincerely, Zachariah

HenriettaLovestheLord: Hello, Zachariah! As you know, it is Jedediah’s rumspringa. He can’t stop talking about a program pertaining to donkeys. A man named Steven-O pulls tricks on his penis. Sincerely, Henrietta

Zachariah_Troyer1699: ‘Tis a shameful thing to pull tricks on one’s penis! Sincerely, Zachariah 

HenriettaLovestheLord: ‘Tis strange, because Jedediah’s penis does not resemble a butter churn. It is more like a human man’s penis, so it is not a truthful representation. It is probably closer in size and girth to a horse. He should pretend he has horse genitalia for the sake of accuracy. Sincerely, Henrietta

Zachariah_Troyer1699 has left the chat


IreneHochstetlersBonnetBringsEliToTheYard: Eli is trying to ‘trick out’ our buggy. He claims that it does not look ‘sick’ enough. He put spinning neon lights on the wheels, but they frighten the horses. What should I do?

AbigailA: Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis? 

IreneHochstetlersBonnetBringsEliToTheYard: Well, he is not in crisis. He just wants to remind Samuel who’s ‘large and in charge.’ Maybe open up a meth lab in our barn. Want to impress Samuel? Repair the stable door.

AbigailA: Tell him that he won’t get any younger by putting spinning neon lights on his buggy wheels. 

IreneHochstetlersBonnetBringsElitotheYard: Now he wants to trade in his straw hat for a cowboy hat and wear pants with buttons. 

AbigailA: Are you sure he hasn’t already started a meth lab?


SarahMillerRumspringa2021!!!: Hi! My name is Sarah and I’m on my rumspringa. An English boy told me he wants to do missionary with me, so I’m thinking about bringing him to my church. Maybe he’ll want to do missionary with everyone!

Trina-Baker: Same! I’ve been talking to this English boy named Billy and he says that missionary is their way of giving to the Lord. He likes to sit on top so he’s closer to God. 

SarahMillerRumspringa2021!!!: Why would he be sitting? He should be performing benevolent acts for the people. Preaching the will of the Lord to those who need to repent. 

Trina-Baker: …what are you talking about? Missionary is what the English do to get off. 

SarahMillerRumspringa2021!!!: Get off what? A horse?

Trina-Baker: O, how I yearn to see Billy get off a horse…


SamuelYoderWantsEliToStepOff: My nephew told me there is a song called “Amish Paradise” by a man named Weird Alfred. I read the lyrics and I feel it is utterly offensive to the Amish community. Everyone knows we only raise barns on Tuesdays!!!

AbrahamLuvs2Plow: And I’ve never sold a quilt at discount price in all my life! 

SamuelYoderWantsEliToStepOff: ’Tis shameful. This Weird Alfred probably wears pants with zippers. He would not know piety if it bit him in the heinie. 

AbrahamLuvs2Plow: Yet here he is, monetizing our ways. Bet he’s never plowed.

SamuelYoderWantsElitoStepOff: Bet he’s never milked. 

AbrahamLuvs2Plow: Bet he’s never mowed. 

SamuelYoderWantsEliToStepOff: Well, he’s never mowed because that is a woman’s job. 

AbrahamLuvs2Plow: Nay, ’tis false.. 

SamuelYoderWantsEliToStepOff: Do not hate the player, Abraham, merely hate the game. 

Gertrude4Equality_MenShouldMowtheYard: Misogyny, much? Maybe you should mow every once in a while, Samuel. Then your wife would plow you. 

SamuelYoderWantsEliToStepOff: Oh, here we go with that ‘modern Amish woman’ balderdash! Gertrude, go read the Bible before Satan incinerates you with his hellfire. 

Gertrude4Equality_MenShouldMowtheYard: Samuel, did you know that Abraham is fornicating with your wife?

AbrahamLuvs2Plow has left the chatSamuelYoderWantsEliToStepOff: …do you think she’ll really plow me?


Author’s Pick

TV show recommendations: The Expanse (best sci-fi out there), Wynonna Earp, Resident Alien, Community (favorite comedy), Orphan Black, Trailer Park Boys (funnier than you might think), Difficult People (was canceled too soon)

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Melody McCune
Melody McCune

I am an old soul in a young meat suit who loves to write, eat copious amounts of cheese, binge-watch too much TV, and use humor as a defense mechanism. I prefer dogs over people. You can find my ramblings on Geek Girl Authority, Culturess, Sideshow Collectibles, and inkMend on Medium.

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