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Left At the Altar

Sadie and I are anything but traditional. We drag tradition through the mud and bury it in the backyard, then we shit on the place where we buried it. And yet, it brings a tear to my eye seeing Sadie walked down the aisle by her father.

Sadie and I are anything but traditional. We drag tradition through the mud and bury it in the backyard, then we shit on the place where we buried it. And yet, it brings a tear to my eye seeing Sadie walked down the aisle by her father. 

Though I guess he’s not really her father. Well, not her biological father I should say. Sadie was adopted. 

He’s actually the one who introduced me to Sadie – see, Derek’s a friend of mine. Some people are put off by the fact that I’m marrying my friend’s little girl. Other people give us a hard time about the age difference. But the truth is, Sadie ages differently than the rest of us. 

When I first met her, I didn’t plan on falling in love, but you don’t plan these sorts of things, they just happen… 

Whoops! Sadie’s humping that stranger’s leg, and I really think that that’s inappropriate on our wedding day. One sec.

“Sadie, Stop!” Jesus Christ I really didn’t want to have to do this today. “Heel!” 

OK, she’s stopped now. Come on Sadie, just walk over here. Maybe if I click my tongue like this: tsk tsk tsk, pssssp! “Here Sadie, come on now”. There we go, now she’s coming down. 

Where was I? 

You know, I never thought I had a chance with Sadie, until the day that I saw Guy Fieri officiate 101 gay weddings. It was such a powerful statement! It meant that the sanctity of marriage had dissolved to a point where we were finally allowing Guy Fieri to officiate weddings. 

To me, that day finally showed that love could break all boundaries. That day I decided I was going to marry Sadie. 

My parents were horrified, of course. Their objections were predictable to say the least. “Sadie’s a dog,” my mom sobbed. “You can’t marry a dog!”

Even after I played her that clip she liked so much, where Rush Limbaugh says that if same-sex couples could marry each other, pretty soon people would be marrying dogs… Even after that, she still didn’t get it. “That was a joke,” she cried. 

But how could it have been a joke? He didn’t say “just kidding” afterwards.

Dad held Mom as she sobbed. He’d been silent the whole time, but worked up the courage to speak. 

“My son will not be fucking a dog!” 

“Oh gross! I’m not going to ‘screw the pooch’”—I never swear in front of my mother—“Our relationship isn’t like that, our bond is deeper, and plus, she can’t consent. She’ll continue to have sex with dogs, and I’ll continue to have sex with… well, myself.”

My father looked confused. “But if the dog is your wife,” he started, “and it has sex with other dogs, wouldn’t that make you a…?”

“Yes dad, a cuck. I’m a liberal cuck, ok? Laugh it up dad, real mature.” 

But they’re not laughing anymore. In fact, I haven’t seen them laugh, or smile, since that day. 

But that’s beside the point, I don’t need to think about that. This is my wedding day. 

Wow, I can’t believe it’s really happening. Derek just handed Sadie to me, she’s really here, we’re really doing this. I’m welling up. The Guy Fieri impersonator is about to start the ceremony. 

Even though we had our differences, I’m glad my parents decided to come. 

I wish they’d sat up front though, in the seats reserved for family. I can barely see them over there in the back pew. I can make out Dad, he looks pale, but Mom’s hiding her face behind the wedding program. I think I’ll give them a wink. Maybe that’ll cheer ‘em up, to see how happy I am up here. 

*wink*

There we go, Mom’s put down the program, it’s so nice to see her face. Aww, look at that, her expression’s changing. I think she’s starting to smile! I knew she’d be so happy once she just learned to accept that… Oh, oh no.

“Someone get a bucket!” 

Goddammit Mom, really? On my special day? 

I guess she’s throwing up out of happiness? She’s probably experiencing so much joy that she just can’t contain herself. And those tears, they must be happy tears. 

“Do we have a mop in here? Sadie, you stay, I’ll go clean it up. Sadie. Stay. Sit. Sadie. No Sadie, come back, no don’t go over there! Sadie, don’t…. Oh no. Sadie, no that’s not food Sadie. That’s…. Mom, it’s fine. Mom, take off your shoes. Well, it’s all over your shoes, what do you expect her to do?! She’s already eating it, just take off your fucking shoes! I mean, take off your darn shoes… I’m sorry for swearing.”

Ok, Mom’s heading out for some air. That’s a good idea, I know she’s just overwhelmed. There’s too much joy in the room is all. Enjoy the fresh air, Mom, we’ll be here when you get back. Just remember to close the door on the way– Goddamn it!

“Someone shut the door! Derek, shut it now! There’s a squirrel, Derek! Shut it before– Sadie! No, Sadie! Come back! Sadie! Nooo!”.

I’d dreamed of this day ever since I was a little boy. I’d done everything right. Found the girl of my dreams and asked her to marry me. Booked the venue, hired a caterer, bought the cake. I did it all and I did it right. But here I am now, alone. All alone.

Maybe Rush Limbaugh was right, maybe we shouldn’t marry dogs. Yeah, that’s going too far. They’re way too fast! Now a turtle, on the other hand…


Author’s Pick

Theft By Finding – David Sedaris. I thought it’d be boring to read someone else’s diaries but it was actually great. I appreciate how petty David Sedaris can be. This book made me want to go to IHOP.

“He just swallowed a roach” – Youtube. A young adult swallows a roach (weed) and his friend is rude to some bystanders. Not sure how this has under a million views, I think this is the best video on the internet.

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James Brown
James Brown

James Brown is a writer and comedian from Montreal. He hosted a show Squad Laughs was pretty popular back when you could have indoor gatherings.

Articles: 1

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