Avatar for Widget, set in Futura bold

Register for your 100% free subscription. Full details.

First Day Of School At Elon Musk’s Martian Colony

Please use your hall lockers to store your school supplies between classes in order to protect them from sand and radiation from the planet’s surface.

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to your first day at Elon Musk Martian School #328331! After years of toiling on the Tesla factory floor as an engineer, I’ve finally been promoted to Student Manufacturing, and I can’t wait to spend this yearly cycle with you all. 

I know many of you are looking forward to getting to work after your six hour break between school years! But first, let’s talk organization. Without organization, we wouldn’t know where in the Muskville Colony we live or whether we have a spot on the rescue pods in case of colony collapse — which, of course, most of you don’t.

Please use your hall lockers to store your school supplies between classes in order to protect them from sand and radiation from the planet’s surface. All school supplies must be purchased from an approved SpaceX Mart location. Anyone caught with counterfeit supplies will be forced to listen to the entire discography of the Automaton Space Queen Formerly Known As Grimes.

Seating arrangements are based on which tier of colony membership your family purchased: Obviously, Inheritances — the hardest working creators of capital, wealth and money — will be in the front. Indentures, please move to the back of the class — if you can’t see the board then you’re in the right spot.  Remember, only speak when spoken to! And Cryptos can sit anywhere in between — just please don’t run your mines on your desk, they’re very loud and keep catching fire.

Now, please take out your TeslaBooks and sign into the school’s homepage on the MuskNet – you should automatically be connected via your Neuralink implant; if your brain explodes while connecting, please raise your hand. It’s time to discuss what you’ll be learning this year.

We will start each day by going over the homework from the night before, so please finish your assignments — after your mandatory terraforming shifts, of course. Please do not call your teacher a “pedo guy” if you are given a failing grade — just because Elon does it doesn’t mean you can. Tutoring services are only available to our Inheritance members, though in the interest of free market competition, Indentures will be given crayons, an abacus, and a textbook deemed “too inaccurate even for us” by the state of Texas.

After we finish going over the homework, we will spend the morning working on reading and writing, including a practical application section, during which Indentures will read the manuals for equipment they will be expected to maintain in the colony, like the hydroponic farm fields, air filtration systems or auto-driving Mars rovers. We don’t want anyone’s rover to crash, and the on-board AI still can’t tell the difference between people, other rovers and rocks, so the driving will fall to Indentures. Inheritances, you will be expected to read and present mildly amusing memes as if they were your own, while Cryptos will work on reports on using social media to manipulate cryptocurrency markets.

From there, we will move into our study of Martian History, where you’ll learn about how Elon was the savior of humanity! We’ll discuss how he helped ensure the human race survived by giving up on a planet that already had an atmosphere, magnetic field and naturally occurring water in favour of one that had none of those things.

We’ll also discuss the founding of this colony, though we’ll be skipping the disastrous rocket launches and horrific space voyages that took many human lives before any ships even made it to the surface of the planet. Bummer!

After history, you get a 6 minute lunch and recess break. Indentures, if you will be buying lunch, be aware the cost will be added to your family’s Life Debt to Elon. On an exciting note, following the discovery of intelligent life living above the rich lithium deposits in the area and its subsequent destruction at the hands of the SpaceX Death Troopers, the school has cleared us for outdoor recess this year — so be sure to bring your space suits!

And finally, we’ll end the day with science and math. You’ll learn everything from chemistry to calculus, but these classes will largely be focused on public speaking. As Elon has shown us, you don’t need to be especially great at STEM so long as you’re able to confidently take credit for other people’s work. 

This section will also have a brief segment on technology, where we will learn how to create our own Artificial Intelligences — and once these are perfected, Indentures will no longer be needed. How exciting!

For your first assignment, I’d like you all to have your parents sign these little waivers that release any rights to any intellectual property you create in this class to Tesla, SpaceX, Boring Company, Neuralink, and Elon Musk. For educational purposes, of course.

It’s gonna be a great year. Go Martians!


Author’s Pick

Kim’s Convenience on Netflix is a great family comedy that’s a refreshing watch for anyone looking for a good laugh. Hot White Heist on Audible is a satire of heist movies with an all-queer cast led by SNL’s Bowen Yang that is hilariously gay. And “Queer Readings of The Lord of the Rings are Not Accidents” on Polygon.com is an excellent essay on the queer subtext in the epic fantasy tale that’s part of the web site’s coverage on the 20th anniversary of the movie trilogy.

Share this…
Connor Relyea
Connor Relyea

Connor Relyea is a comedy writer and performer in New York City. His writing has been published on sites such as Hard Drive, Awf Magazine, Weekly Humorist and more. Despite popular rumors, he is not five corgis in a trench coat.

Articles: 1

Newsletter Updates

Enter your email address below to subscribe to our newsletter