Look—we understand cinema. We’re very important, serious people (notice we said “cinema” and not “movies”? Movies are for idiots.) And nobody loves the cinéma (that’s cinema in French) more than we do. Our top three favourite films of all time are not Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and Austin Powers in Goldmember. Ok?
That’s why we’re giving you an exclusive breakdown of what are widely believed to be the greatest films of all time—films that we’ve watched countless times, and have never fallen asleep in front of while drooling into a fettuccine Alfredo Lean Cuisine. Ok???
1. Citizen Kane
We won’t get into the details of this gritty, complex political drama—but we will say that we definitely understand its nuance and cultural significance! Citizen Kane is the brain-child of Orson Welles (whose name’s Latin origin roughly translates to “Tired Ol’ Whale”). Famously, the film was based on Welles personal experience: he penned the script after eating a weeks-old club sandwich, which is why there are so many references to Kane having an “ouchy tummy ache.” The rest of the film captures the rising tension between Kane’s staffers as they struggle to choose the right probiotic for his troubled tum, settling on a natural tincture made from ‘rose bud’ and ‘sled.’ (Ok—Goop vibes!)
2. There Will be Blood
The girlies love a period piece (and we aren’t just talking about menstruation!), and Paul Thomas Anderson goes absolutely off with this one. There’s blood. There’s historical… stuff. There’s more blood. There’s funny little hats! What does it all mean? You’ll have to find out for yourself 😉. (Not that we couldn’t tell you if we had to, because we’ve totally watched the shit out of it!) Let’s just say if you love the idea of Daniel Day Lewis absolutely drenched in oil like a baby duck in a Dawn commercial—this might be the film for you.
3. 2001: A Space Odyssey
Even though this is a sci-fi film set in 2001, it’s surprisingly not about the time I shit my pants at the planetarium. But such inventiveness is nothing new for director Stanley Kubrick, whom we’re totally connoisseurs of and whose Wiki we didn’t just open as we started writing this. But for all you non-cinephiles out there, Kubrick (/ˈkuːbrɪk/; July 26, 1928 – March 7, 1999) was an American film director, producer, screenwriter, and photographer. Now back to the film itself—not only does this flick have space, it also has apes. In fact, Kubrick was the first director to pay his apes a living wage—previously, all ape actors had been paid in whatever they could steal from Charlton Heston’s pockets when he wasn’t looking. Where are those apes now, you ask? Hopefully on a chartered yacht somewhere, wearing little sailor outfits. What were we talking about again?
4. The Magnificent Seven
The Magnificent Seven is about seven men, all in love with one, very sexy horse – relatable much? In reality, the superstar cast’s relationship with the horse was anything but magnificent. In an interview discussing the shoot that we definitely didn’t dream up after gobbling 31 Lean Cuisine churros in a single sitting, Steve McQueen described how an exhausted crew spent hours on end fulfilling the horse’s outrageous rider, which included the provision of 14 varieties of artisanal oats in her dressing room and “24/7 mane brushing.” Despite tensions on set, even McQueen had to agree that all the fuss was worth it: “in the end, the horse was very sexy.” We couldn’t agree more!
5. The Godfather
Do you love watching people and animals die? Who doesn’t?! Unfortunately, that sentiment is totally unrelated to this film. If you’re looking for blood and guts, this isn’t the film for you. If you’re looking for Marlon Brando shaking his juicy wagon to a raucous polka? You’ve come to the right place. The Godfather tells the story of an old Italian man absolutely backing his ass up at his daughter’s wedding. And we’re definitely not just making shit up after chugging Lean Cuisine merlot all night (it tastes surprisingly fine!). Contrary to popular belief, Marlon Brando actually gained weight for this role, after Francis Ford Coppola left several cryptic notes in his dressing room demanding that ‘the ass be fatter.’ And folks? The ass is fat indeed. But why is it called The Godfather, you may ask? No one knows – and that, my friends, is the power of cinema.
We know this is a short list—but can we as a society let art speak for itself for once? We hope you take the time to enjoy these films for yourself, like we definitely have. We also hope you notice how none of these films stars, or even features, Rob Schnieder. We don’t even know who Rob Schnieder is! Happy watching!
I recently read Carrie Fisher’s debut novel, Postcards from the Edge. I love reading novels written by famous hot girls, and this one is very funny and weirdly (perhaps dangerously) makes rehab in the 80s seem… fun? Highly recommend.
For something less famous but equally amazing please immediately go watch the videos of Natalie Rotter-Laitman.