Your Local Walmart Will Be Closing in Ten Minutes—And Counting

*Bzzzt!* Attention, shoppers: your local Walmart will be closing in ten minutes. Please select your final purchases and bring them to the front of the store for checkout. Thank you.

*Bzzzt!* An update, shoppers: your local Walmart will be closing in seven minutes. And well, uh, you seem to be taking your sweet time making your way to the checkout. We don’t want to be pushy, but it takes roughly three minutes to get from one end of the store to another walking at a steady pace, and probably at least another three to check you out. Not much wiggle room there. So, y’know, if you wouldn’t mind picking up the pace a little…

*Bzzzt!* All right, there’s five minutes left before we close. Being able to lock the doors right at the top of the hour is obviously not going to happen at this point. Heaven forbid you quit browsing and just pay for your crap, huh?! Don’t act like we can’t see the two of you over there in the peanut butter aisle arguing about what style to get. Let me save you some time: extra chunky isn’t that much chunkier than regular chunky. It’s peanut butter, people; not the friggin’ Brexit negotiations. Either come to an agreement or get a divorce. I don’t have all day.

*Bzzzt!* Four minutes. You’ve moved up, like, two aisles. Clearly you don’t value my time. I mean, it’s not like I’m a human being with wants or needs, right? I’m just a lowly corporate drone whose greatest thrill in life is watching you rubes debate how chunky is too chunky! Nah, ol’ Doug sure has nothing better to do tonight than plead with cold, uncaring customers who are encroaching into what little free time he has… Why do I even bother?

*Bzzzt!* Three minutes? Seriously? You’re really going to let it come to this? Fine. Since you don’t seem to be able to hear me over the sound system, maybe you can hear this: The Complete Works of Björk, as performed by Gilbert Gottfried. Don’t ask why such a thing exists or how we obtained it; just move towards the cash! Good luck covering your ears and pushing your shopping cart at the same time.

Hey, no fair! Don’t you dare go down the conveniently placed aisle where we keep the earplugs! Opening and using products before paying for them still counts as stealing, you know! Stop that, right now! 

…

Are you seriously going right back to casually shopping? If I have to suffer through this horrible noise, so should you!

*Bzzzt!* Two minutes. That does it. Time to release our rabid wolverines! Oh, I see you chuckling. You think that’s a joke, huh? That the biggest retail establishment on the planet can’t have frenzied animals lying in wait to do our bidding? Let’s see what you think about this!

No, no, don’t run back toward the other end of the store! Gah, stupid beasts! Chase them this way. This way! Of course management would spring for the discount rabid wolverines.

You know what? Fine. I don’t have to put up with this. I’m going to go ahead and count the till. That’s right, we are officially closed. In fact, we’re just going to go home and lock the doors behind us. Yup. Leave you trapped in here all night with rabid animals and a hilariously implausible Björk/Gilbert Gottfried album on repeat. All because you couldn’t make it to front cash on time! But you have no one but yourselves to blame.

Oh, look at you now, climbing up the shelf to get away from the wolverines. Instead of moving horizontally toward the checkout area, you’re moving vertically. Very funny. I know when I’m being mocked. Whatever, guys. I’m going home.

Enjoy your dang extra-chunky peanut butter. The crackers are in aisle 5.

Author’s Pick