Introducing LinkedIn Love

To connect, Microsoft recommends that users send InMail, request a Skype call, or join a Minecraft server together. Or just ask Clippy to set up a date.

Microsoft company LinkedIn is planet Earth’s greatest professional network, having enabled 30 million people to find jobs and/or motivational Richard Branson quotes. But today, a work/life balance is more important than ever, so LinkedIn is offering a whole new set of “networking opportunities” with the launch of their brand new dating product, Linkedin Love. 

LinkedIn Love is part of Microsoft’s humanitarian initiative, which focuses on repopulating Earth now that many countries are hitting record low fertility rates. As co-founder Bill Gates noted, “What use is a software monopoly with no one to sell to? What use are for-profit vaccines if everyone’s dead? Reproduction matters.”

He went on to add, “It’s like I used to say to Jeff–that’s Mr. Epstein to you–” before his PR person cut him off.

With Love profiles, photos are imported from your work profile. Exes’ faces are programmatically detected, then covered by the LinkedIn “curious face” reaction. To spruce up work headshots, users can place themselves on 3 virtual backgrounds: in a dimly lit bar with other bloated executives; next to Corgis in little business suits; or in front of a Mercedes Benz C-Class sedan (sponsored content). 

“The name pronunciation feature did very well in user testing,” added Mr. Eoghan O’Sullivan, the Head of Product of LinkedIn Love, whose first name is pronounced “Oh-win.” “But I recorded my name as ‘Daddy of Se-duc-tion!’” he chuckled. (Note: Following our interview, Mr. O’Sullivan – AKA Daddy of Seduction – was put on administrative leave, following a series of inappropriate comments and gestures he made at the LinkedIn Love office.) 

Taking us through his own Love account, Mr. O’Sullivan shows that he has 500+ romantic connections. “This took a while to amass,” he pauses, “as there are probably a total of 93 women in San Francisco, most of whom talk like Elizabeth Holmes.” He stared blankly at his phone. “It’s weird out here.”

Sharing his “Past Experience,” he wrote, “‘Wiped beard trimmings off the sink 67% of the time.’” (“It’s actually closer to 43%,” he confided, “but people expect you to exaggerate.”) Other familiar features can be found here as well, including “Endorsements” – Mr. O’Sullivan has been endorsed for “Hitting on Executive Assistants,” “Joe Rogan Fanatic,” and “Arachnophobia.” As for “Recommendations:”

Eoghan is my best friend, but after dating for 11 months, we realized we’re not a romantic match. If we’re still single by 35, we’ll wed for dual citizenship. We might make a kid for tax credits.

Catherine M., current best friend and CTO, QuickBooks

Eoghan is ma boi [sic], my wingman for years so I’ll do him a solid. ladies he is cut (abs not downstairs, or maybe downstairs to [sic], i haven’t asked). he’s not alpha alpha but he no cap is no beta.

The Real Owen, wingman and inventor of I Can’t Believe He’s Not Beta! protein supplements 

Linkedin Love Premium, available at $199/day, gives users access to the “Red Flags” section of profiles. However, due to a poorly trained algorithm, all CEOs are being classified as “extreme narcissists” – even Dan Price! To their credit, the engineers have established the single point of failure for this bug: capitalism.

Cutting-edge biometrics such as length of fertility window and sperm count/mL are in the final stages of QA testing.

To connect, Microsoft recommends that users send InMail, request a Skype call, comment on each other’s GitHub repositories, or join a Minecraft server together. Or just ask Clippy to set up a date.

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Melody Cao
Melody Cao

Melody is a curious cat from the Bay Area. She enjoys unfashionably dry humor and non-sequiturs. Plankton.

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