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Minutes From The Meeting Of The Itty Bitty Titty Committee

The Plank once again motioned that members start stuffing their bras with bags of pudding (to achieve optimum boob consistency in a second base situation).

9/3/00
Rutherford B. Hayes Middle School cafetorium

Roll call:

  • Angela “Double A” Arroyo – present 
  • Pamela “The Plank” Weisbaum – present
  • Jenny “Flat” Stanley – present
  • Fran “Flatty Flatty Boombalatti” Boombalatti – present

Auditing the meeting was confused foreign exchange student Larsa “Is She Swiss?” Müller.

Not present: 

  • Lydia “Lydia Waller Makes a Wall Jealous” Waller

Waller submitted her formal written resignation after becoming a B-cup over the summer (formal because it’s in cursive). Apparently her schedule would no longer permit her to attend as it was too full of “trips to Trent Palmer’s lake house <3 <3 and makeout partiez (sic).” 

Agenda

We must, we must, we must increase our bust. 

Updates

As summer vacation just ended, the members updated the ledger with their puberty milestones to date:

  • Double A found a nipple hair but no nipple growth, nor any growth to the surrounding breast
  • The Plank was proud to tell the group that she learned how to use tampons at Jewish summer camp; while she eventually admitted still has not yet started her period, she still insisted this be put on the record. 
  • Boombalatti watched a Josh Hartnett movie and felt something “warm happening in her blossom.”

The committee observed a minute of awkward silence from 11:02-11:03 as Boombalatti winked and raised her eyebrows a few too many times.

As this was a lunch time meeting, there was a discussion of what foods are best for breast development. After much debate, the committee ranked them as follows:

  1. Bananas (potassium is boob juice)
  2. Milk (helps fill breasts with milk) 
  3. Chicken breasts (duh)

The Plank once again brought the motion to the table that the committee start stuffing their bras with bags of pudding (to achieve optimum boob consistency if members find themselves in a second base situation). Flat Stanley argued that this would be immediately discovered when changing clothes in the locker room; the Plank suggested avoiding gym class entirely by feigning a prolonged illness (mono, bird flu, eternal period).

As a test, Boombalatti dumped part of her pudding cup into her training bra which immediately squished through, which led to George “Cooliosis” Holman – a lacrosse player who was watching from the next table – yelling “Flatty Flatty Boombalatti has booby diarrhea,” which escalated to a chant including most of the lacrosse team: “Booby diarrhea! Booby diarrhea!”

At this time (11:08), the previous motion was unanimously denied and the committee relocated to under the stadium bleachers.

The Plank gave a presentation on how to use household objects to create bras for committee members whose moms won’t buy them bras until they need them – sometimes large headbands can be used instead or a cut-up Limited Too tank top. Double A created a “Cup Size Cootie Catcher,” a folded paper fortune teller used to determine future boob sizes with 90% accuracy. Results were as follows:

  • The Plank – Terrific Tatas
  • Flat Stanley – Boobless Bummer; demanded another turn, got “Nice Naturals”
  • Boombalatti – Big, Fat Boob Job
  • Double A – Huge Kajungas

At this time (11:17), Tara “the Goth” Parinski flicked a cigarette butt at the committee and started barking like a dog.

The committee relocated to the room of their brother club, The Team of Total Tools (AKA Cyber-Twats, FKA the Fart-Face Nerd Dorks, technically AKA Computer Club) 

The next order of business was the discussion of current crushes, specifically: strategies for the committee to overcome their bodies (underdeveloped) and utilise their brains (overdeveloped) to engross the targets of affection.

Current crushes included Al “Tall Al” Biryani, Chris “Chris R” R, Steven “Maybe Gay?” Malone, and Yakko the Animaniac.

Double A registered and assigned the team the usernames “Hottie101,” “CutieGirl37,” “Foxy918” and “Britneyfan1878345737290583” on AOL Instant Messenger to begin an online campaign of total seduction. 

Boombalatti proposed that we “cyber” with our crushes; the motion was passed (4-2), then rescinded because no one in the group could really define what “cybering” actually means.

As the committee took a short break to watch an eBaum’s World video, Daniel “Wimpy Shrimpy” Heisman and Edgar “Book Reading Fart Butt” Thompson from the Team of Total Tools asked if anyone in the group was interested in attending the upcoming Halloween dance.

They added that they did not care about the committee’s lack of chestiness and in fact liked them for their wits, good grades, and nice personalities, and that Lydia “Big Tittia” Waller (FKA “Lydia Waller makes a Wall Jealous”) was uncool for ditching them just ’cause she’d had a ‘growth spurt.’

Motion was unanimously denied. At this time (11:42), the group relocated to the front steps of the school.

Larsa closed the meeting by asking for confirmation that this was not in fact her Social Studies class in Portable B. Meeting was adjourned as the group walked her to the correct location where she wished the group a “guten tag” and “viel glück mit euren boobies.” Larsa’s actually super cool.

Action items for next meeting:

Plan upcoming sleepover

  1. Purchase items to cast Wiccan spell to speed up puberty
  2. Create potion of chicken breast/banana/milk for ultimate boob building
  3. Vote on DVDs to rent from Blockbuster (Boombalatti is pushing hard for double feature of 40 Days and 40 Nights and Best of The Animaniacs)

Author’s Pick

You must watch Veneno!!! It’s an HBOMax miniseries about a Spanish trans icon and it’s just amazingly fun and moving and gorgeous. Then if you like that, check out Drag Race España – the creators of Veneno are judges on this inaugural season of what is shaping up to be the most colorful and joyful offering in the Drag Race franchise in recent memory.

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Lauren Davis
Lauren Davis

Lauren Davis is a stand-up comedian who has appeared on Fox, Hulu and ViceTV (check out her insta @me69420 for sketches or upcoming shows if you're in Texas, y'all). Lauren is a writer for the Emjoy app and her comedy essays have been published in Points in Case, the Belladonna, and 251.net.

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