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Air Bud Goes To My High School And It Sucks

On group projects, he’s useless. He reads at a grade zero level. He was my partner for a chemistry lab and he did nothing to help with the assignment.

Ever since Buddy won a state championship with our high school basketball team, things haven’t been the same. The school immediately enrolled him as a full-time student, because they were hooked on championship glory now and there is no rule that dogs cannot be students.

They put him into my grade ten homeroom class with Mrs. Calum, even though it’s French immersion and he’s definitely worse at French than the rest of us – besides Marvin but at least Marvin tries. And after just a few weeks, I wish there was a rule against dogs being students here at Fernfield High. Here’s why:

  1. He only responds to Air Bud. Seriously? It says Buddy on his collar and on his tick medication bottle too. He really let the ‘high-school basketball legend’ thing go to his head. The teachers go along with it during attendance, too. You won one state title, chill. 
  2. I’m allergic to dogs. This one is the worst. What happened to being accommodating for students? It’s like, Tammy has a peanut allergy. Now imagine Mr. Peanut was our new classmate and was really good at basketball – that would never fly! When I explained this to my teacher (along with everything else on this list) she told me to try being more “considerate of my classmates’s differences.”
  3. He’s a bully in the hallways. He’s always getting on his hind legs and pushing people up against the lockers in between classes. Everyone says it’s out of love and excitement, but I’m certain he just likes dominating others – it’s always head games with Air Bud! There’s nothing quite so humiliating as being bullied by a dog. 
  4. He also doesn’t hesitate to steal lunches from anyone, staff included. He grabbed my ham sandwich out of my hands in the caf at lunch and everyone was like, “OMG, that’s so cute,” but I didn’t find it cute. He gave it back after making a scene, which was nice I guess, but I couldn’t eat it with his bite marks on it. 
  5. Everybody loves him. I watch every day as my crush gives him belly rubs and he looks on with his stupid tongue out. Every table in the cafeteria bribes him in order to sit at their table. He’s always picked first in gym class (and fair enough; as much as he bugs me, he’s easily our best athlete). Last week, two of the prettiest girls in school fought over who would get to be partners with him during Swing Dancing. It’s like, sure, I may not be as ‘cute’ as Buddy in the conventional sense, but at least I comb my hair. And wear pants.
  6. He tried to hump the school therapy dog.
  7. He’s literally a teacher’s pet. Anytime anything is asked of a student, he’s the first to lend a hand, er, paw. Hand out papers? Done. Bring something to the office? Done. Then he goes home with Mrs. Calum and sleeps at the foot of her bed. Not once has he eaten anyone’s homework, even when asked to. Like come on, would it kill you to throw us a bone for once?
  8. He’s disgusting and he smells really awful. Even though my nose gets all stuffy when I’m around him, I can still smell when he comes to class covered in mud and wet from the rain. When he does it, people think it’s cute, but when I sweat during gym, Melissa McKenzie plugs her nose and tells me to go flush myself.
  9. On group projects, he’s completely useless. He reads at a grade zero level. He was my partner for a chemistry lab and he did nothing to help with the assignment. I ended up doing all the work myself since he didn’t respond to my texts. Then, during the presentation, he got full marks because the teacher was impressed with how he held the pointer stick and loved the little lab coat he was wearing – but I’m the one who dressed him like that and I got a B-!
  10. I was in the bathroom once when he walked in and vomited on the floor. When I left the bathroom my eyes were watering from my allergies and people saw. Now everybody thinks it was me who puked on the floor, just because of that time I ate too much pizza on Pizza Day. And, unlike Buddy, at least I didn’t go right up and sniff it after!

So there you have it. Every afternoon I get off the bus and pull Golden Retriever hairs from my clothes. It may sound fun having a dog as a classmate, but believe me, it isn’t. And not just any dog! I go to school with super-popular, allergic reaction-inducing, grade plummeting, disgusting wet-dog smelling, Chad of a high-school basketball legend, Air Bud. And I hate it.


Author’s Pick

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (not the movie), WALL-E, the Magic Tree House books, Shogun Assassin — something for everyone.

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Nicolas Allard
Nicolas Allard

I'm mildly amused by things I read online. I get real thrills from the article-inspired smoothies I make, though. Ottawa, ON.

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