This week, Dr. Phil may have finally gone too far with the two guests he invited on his show.
The episode featured a 34-year-old uterus named Euterice, who says her tenant of one year, copper intrauterine device (IUD) Paragard—Parry for short—has violated the terms of their agreement. Euterice hired Parry for a 10-year tenure of birth control residency. She now claims Parry has become “belligerent,” causing “profuse bleeding at random intervals” and “excruciating pain” rivaling that caused by Euterice’s previous problematic tenant, Preggy the Pregnancy.
Let’s count down the episode’s 5 most hysterical moments!
5. The Other Woman
We learned that Euterice was ready to kick Parry to the biohazard bin ASAP. She told Dr. Phil that she was eyeing a replacement tenant—hormonal IUD Mirena—and told Parry she could either get her act together or be removed by force, pulled out by the strings. After mumbling something that sounded like “you go girl,” Dr. Phil turned to Parry in the hot seat. The IUD confirmed that, since she’d heard Euterice was courting Mirena, she had lost her temper. In retaliation, Parry had doubled down on the midnight muscle spasms, simultaneously ripping down Euterice’s uterine lining because, in her words, “redecorating calms me.”
4. Parry’s Tantrum
Dr. Phil asked Euterice what she imagined her relationship with Parry, whom he called Peter, would have looked like in an ideal world. Euterice said she was hoping Parry would have been a quiet tenant—one she could have imagined “wasn’t even there”—while also keeping her space tidy and fetus-free. That was the deal, after all: no pets, no babies. This clearly struck a nerve with Parry because she shot back: “How do you think I make the environment inhospitable to sperm? I gotta rage!” Parry then jumped up and galloped full-speed through a wall on the set, shrieking and swinging her own strings above her like a lasso. Dr. Phil approached the studio audience and started soliloquizing about the importance of running background checks on tenants while Parry was subdued by the show’s on-set gynecologists.
3. The String Fight
After some poor PA finally dragged Parry back on-set using the network’s giant speculum, I think she just decided to tank this whole thing. She got in Euterice’s face and said, “Why do you need long-term birth control so badly? It’s not like you’re getting laid in the next 10 years!” And then Euterice snapped. Suddenly, the two were rolling around on the studio floor, trying to choke each other with Parry’s IUD strings. Parry’s battle cries were so loud as she slapped Euterice across the cervix that it was easy to miss when Dr. Phil cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled, “Worldstar!”
2. The Polygraph Test
Euterice and Parry were finally calm after production forced them to begrudgingly share a bowl of ibuprofen and a giant heating pad. As some PAs mopped up the blood on the floor with large maxi pads, Dr. Phil began yelling at them repeatedly to “Bring me my machine!” As the gynecologists swooped in to help the PAs roll out a blinking contraption on wheels, Dr. Phil revealed he planned to put Parry, whom he called Patty, through a polygraph test. Once Parry was strapped in by her copper arms, Dr. Phil posed her one question: “Is the drama you are causing necessary for you to do your job or are you being a pain in the coochie for no reason?” We didn’t get to hear Parry’s answer to that because the screen went black for a minute, likely for the producers to decide whether or not to bleep out “coochie” in post-production.
1. The Paternity Test
When the show came back on, the polygraph machine was gone and Dr. Phil was standing center stage yelling at the PAs to “Bring me my science kit!” and “Time to see if Pedro is the father!” as well as “Production said I could do my science today if I was good!” Meanwhile, Euterice sat on the floor and interjected with things like “That’s not how that works,” “What are you talking about, Dr. Phil?” and “The IUD literally keeps me from getting impregnated, also it doesn’t have the ability itself to impregnate me, and also I’m not pregnant – or am I?! Oh my God!” At this point, Euterice passed out and Dr. Phil glared into the camera through the lab goggles he was suddenly wearing until the screen went black again.
According to the network, production has been shut down since.
I have confidence in my absolutely trash taste in TV so I will boldly recommend Season 3 of Love Island UK and Season 1 of Love Island Australia. I cannot in good faith recommend the television stylings of Dr. Phil.