A Typical Day At Sir James P. Bitcoin High, Canada’s Top Crypto School

At one table are soon-to-be graduates who invested in Bitcoin before they were ten. At another, weeping, are less-than-gifted students who bought at ATH.

English (7:45 A.M.—8:45 A.M.)

Ms. Felter’s class is crossing the ‘t’s and dotting the ‘i’s on their persuasive essays addressed to the editors of Merriam-Webster, asking them to recognize ‘hodl’ as a word. Some liken the term to ‘smartphone,’ ‘internet,’ or ‘WAP,’ in that it’s only a matter of time before it becomes mainstream. It’s also fun to say, one student points out, because it sounds like a pint-sized marsupial, as in: “Behold, the Maluku leaping hodl.” Since Ms. Felter encourages her class to use metaphors and similes to add colour to their arguments, another student claims the word is as important to modern English as a headlamp was to a 1920s coal miner — one of 37 comparisons made to either mining, gold, or treasure hunting. At one point, Connor O’Connor, 14, asks how many graphics cards most coal mining rigs came installed with back then.

Social Studies (8:50 A.M.—9:50 A.M.)

Mr. Simmons’ class is learning about North American inventors like Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, and the Winkelvoss triplets: Cameron, Tyler, and the oft-overlooked ‘loser Winklevoss,’ Bingo. This leads to a discussion about historiography, and to what extent those who study the past should view individuals as a product of their environment or side more with the Great Man Theory. The latter option doesn’t gain as much traction in the classroom because nobody knows who “Satoshi Nakamoto” is.

Biology (9:55 A.M.—10:55 A.M.)

There’s a pop quiz today in Ms. Slovak’s class about the taxonomic hierarchy. Students make a taxonomy for ten life forms, including a dog, a raven, and a Russian, in celebration of the much-discussed Dogecoin, the lesser-known Ravencoin, and Vitalik Buterin. Some students also make one for a panda to symbolise the Bitpanda Ecosystem Token, which they claim is flying (ambling, rather) under the radar as a potential successor to Dogecoin’s meteoric rise. “It could be the next memecoin,” they say. “You know, where something quintuples in value as ‘a bit.’”

P.E. (11 A.M.—12 P.M.)

The Physical Education curriculum consists of dodgeball and flag football — the latter because receivers are taught to make a diamond with their hands. Today marks the second week of dodgeball, and Mr. Wittenberg’s class is showing improvements, he boasts. In order to get young crypto traders accustomed to avoiding tax collectors, he has scrawled “CRA” in big, black letters on each ball. He has also designated one corner of the gym as “Malta,” where players are immune from being eliminated. At the end of class, students cool off in front of the extra industrial-strength fans purchased at the beginning of the year for the Bitcoin mining desktops in the computer lab.

Lunch (12:05 P.M.—12:50 P.M.)

Just like any other school, Sir James P. Bitcoin High has its cliques. At one table are soon-to-be graduates who invested in Bitcoin before they were ten years old. At another, weeping, are less-than-gifted students who bought at ATH. Food options are also run-of-the-mill, although payment for vending machine snacks must be made in crypto. (Anyone who gets caught using fiat ends up in Principal Wartz’s office.) Meanwhile, in the outdoor picnic area, three boys light their RC cars on fire in a rousing game of “Elon Musk’s Car Exploder,” while a group of grade 10 students makes a prank call to the SEC.

Math (12:55 P.M.—1:55 P.M.)

Test prep is underway, which means reviewing how to solve equations using the ‘BEDMAS’ order of operations rule. Mr. Packenham has come up with a mnemonic device to help: Buying Every Dip Means Accelerated Success. Since word problems will also be on the test, he walks through an example he has written on the whiteboard:

Arnold divides his $2,500 crypto investment as follows: 30% for Binance Coin, 30% for Ethereum, 15% for Litecoin and 25% for VeChain. (Refer to Coinbase for current values.) If, after three months, there is a price change of 8%, 3.5%, -9% and 12%, respectively, then on how many social media profiles can Arnold give himself laser eyes?

Earth Science (2 P.M.—3 P.M.)

Mr. Frank leads a field trip to view a mountain range because part of it is a splitting image of Bitcoin’s six-month price chart. The rest of it, however, is ominously lower in elevation until it flattens out into a valley, which leads to frantic discussions over whether or not to sell. Mr. Frank says it wouldn’t be a bad idea because tectonic plates don’t move nearly fast enough to form new peaks. Plus, given the resource consumption of crypto mining, the valley will probably be underwater in the next few years anyway.

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William Vaillancourt
William Vaillancourt

William's humor writing has appeared in Points in Case, Weekly Humorist and The Satirist, among other places. Coincidentally, it has not appeared in other places as well.

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