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Teacher Talk

MR. FEENY: Maybe you should leave out the phrase “Kindergarten Colonizers” in your third sentence. It comes off a bit preachy. MISS GROTKE: Preachy?!

Whether we’re arguing with them over how the dog ate our homework or trying to avoid the awkwardness of running into them at the grocery store, we’ve all had our favourite teachers. That said, some of our favourite teachers of all are fictional! Some mean, some keen, with some weirdness in between, television and literature has given us some of the best (and worst) teachers. Here, we have some of the best and brightest sharing their thoughts on the issues that face our classrooms today. 

Into the Unknown, feat. Ms. Frizzle (The Magic School Bus) & Umbridge (Harry Potter)

Ms. Frizzle: Alrighty gang! I’ve got my backpack, I’ve got my hand sanitizer, I’ve got my mask, to the–

Umbridge: Ah-hem!

Ms. Frizzle (looks puzzled): Yes, Delo– I mean, Ms. Umbridge?

Umbridge: Correct me if I’m wrong, but according to Decree 713 it states that all students, faculty, and staff are to remain six feet apart. Because of the virus, you know.

Ms. Frizzle: But that’s just it! We’re going in – inside the virus itself!

Umbridge: I’ve never heard of such wizardry! Is that even possible?

Ms. Frizzle: Yes! We’ll forage into the fever, bridge the gap of the breathing, carouse towards the cough–

Umbridge: We get it, Ms. Frizzle. You’re going on a–

Ms. Frizzle: Field trip! Seatbelts, everyone! And don’t forget your facemasks!

A Letter to the PTO, feat. Mr. Feeny (Boy Meets World) & Miss Grotke (Recess)

Mr. Feeny (peering over Miss Grotke’s shoulder): You’re writing it again?

Miss Grotke: Yes, because for the seventh year in a row, it seems I must explain to the incoming children – and their parents! – that there is to be no appropriation of Indigenous culture on the playground!

Mr. Feeny: Maybe you should leave out the phrase “Kindergarten Colonizers” in your third sentence. It comes off a bit preachy.

Miss Grotke: Preachy?! Are they not colonizers? They sequester themselves in unceded territory that was made for the community’s use by generations long ago, claiming that they “found” it! They’re rude to the very elders who might be their only hope for moral direction and cultural wisdom! They paint their faces with finger paints, using the same grimy hands that were just wrapped around a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! So I ask you, are these not the culture vultures that will soon roam into our classrooms demanding pencils and extra credit?!

Mr. Feeny: Calm down, lady, my neighbour’s mother is on the Board.

Writing Across Curriculums, feat. Minerva McGonagall (Harry Potter), Mr. Ratburn (Arthur), & Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

Minerva McGonagall: Mr. Ratburn, I can assure you, Arthur will be in great hands!

Mr. Ratburn: Hmph. That’s what you all said about that Henry fellow, and look at him!

McGonagall: Henry?

Mr. Ratburn: Yes, Henry Skeever!

McGonagall: And who might that be, sir?

Mr. Ratburn: You are a highly educated woman, Professor. Do you mean you don’t remember the young man who ran around your halls blowing up chess sets, chasing snakes through the pipes, and allowing dragons to crash into your roof? Is Hogwarts really the type of place to leave a young child?

McGonagall: Well, yes, it can come off as a bit risky, but Harry was–

Ratburn: Harry?! Our books clearly say that the boy’s name was Henry. It was all Arthur ever talked about! Henry this, Henry that, Henry’s friend was sleeping with a rat…

McGonagall (chuckles): Well, it appears that we have a case of mistaken identity. Though how young Arthur ever  received a fully detailed story of Harry’s antics is beyond my imagination. (turns slowly) You wouldn’t have anything to do with this newfound literary marvel, would you Albus?

Albus Dumbledore (winks): Never heard of it.


Author’s Pick

  • Books: Legendborn , Each of Us a Desert, any volume of Wizards in Space Literary Magazine
  • TV: Castlevania, Sailor Moon, Craig of the Creek
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K. Alexandra Mills

K. Alexandra Mills is an educator and freelance writer based out of Detroit, Michigan. She teaches high school English, works as an editor for Wizards in Space Literary Magazine, and contributes to various outlets like Black Girls Create and Nerdist. When not contemplating her next project, she enjoys volleyball, trivia, and being a Ravenclaw.

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