How To Know Your Neighbours Aren’t Doing Well By What’s In Their Garbage

What we throw out says a lot about how we live, and lately I’ve been seeing some pretty appalling trends.

Hello Homeowners’ Association members! Jody Magritte-Phipps here with another gentle reminder for our beloved neighbourhood. I’ve been monitoring everyone’s garbage here in Woodland Crest and y’all, we need to do better!

I know the last year has been hard on all of us, but we can’t forget the standards we all agreed to live by in this pristine community. What we throw out says a lot about how we live, and lately I’ve been seeing some pretty appalling trends. Gone are the oyster shells and foie gras delivery Styrofoams (friendly reminder: you cannot recycle these if you start receiving shipments once again).

If I see one more un-broken-down box of Easy Mac I’m going to scream! First of all, kindly remember to break down cardboard and any other cartons before placing them in the neighbourhood garbage bins. If you really need to gorge on macaroni that often, I’d be happy to send you my award-winning pasta salad recipe. We should all be making our own pasta from scratch here – after all, double zero semolina flour is not that hard to source, even in a pandemic. Let’s keep our suppliers in business!

I also want to take this opportunity to address delivery etiquette. We’re all ordering more from Amazon, bless them, but here at Woodland Crest we need to make sure we’re treating delivery drivers with the proper decorum. While I can appreciate that Julie Oakes thought she was being nice, setting up a snack table on her stoop for postal employees is not the kind of “solidarity” the HOA tolerates. Workers are important to the economy, but they just don’t belong in Woodland Crest. I for one will not have a colony of blue-collar layabouts parking their vans everywhere to enjoy cookies and lemonade. Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to move in here!

I can hear some of you already typing emails in protest, but I want you all to know I’m not a weirdo. HOA regulations stipulate that garbage bins must be placed no further than 4” from the curb every Tuesday by 8am for regular pickup and waste disposal. I am fully within my rights as an HOA board member to inspect the bins, *and any contents therein* to my satisfaction. After all, we wouldn’t want people throwing away good recyclables! Those go in the blue bin, which must be placed no further than 3” from the curb every second Thursday by 9am. Quick note to the Whitcombes, I’d be happy to lend you my tape measure on the next collection day. I wasn’t going to say anything about all those liquor bottles you’ve been tossing out, but do you have to leave the bins right up against the curb?

Other neighbourhoods seem to understand the importance of keeping up appearances, and so should we. Why just last week I had a peek at the dumpster of those TACKY townhomes by the waterfront, and they had the boxes for a whole new stereo system in there! If those awful millennials can afford to splurge, surely we can all order a little more from Williams-Sonoma? I’m all for keeping to a household budget, but Woodland Crest has a reputation to uphold. Buy a new breadmaker, I know you all have been making banana bread during quarantine anyway, you might as well get it kneaded the Breville way!

I have also noticed through the window that some of you (*wink wink*, Hendersons) are *still* watching How I Met Your Mother on the Netflix. Please consider watching something from the last five (5) years of HBO programming content, or at least put up some opaque curtains. What will visitors think when they see Woodland Crest residents watching basic network TV shows? Fix this or expect a fine. 

Feel free to send any questions or concerns my way! We’re all in this together, and I know we can get this neighbourhood’s garbage back to a proper (high) standard again. By the way, don’t forget, the next round of HOA violation citations will be mailed out on the 14th! Keep an eye on those mailboxes and please make all checks out to Woodland Crest HOA, care of Howard Magritte-Phipps, Treasurer. 

Living The Dream,

Jody Magritte-Phipps, HOA President

Author’s Pick

  • Currently watching: Dark on Netflix
  • Currently reading: The City We Became- N.K. Jemisin, The Third Plate- Dan Barber
  • Currently playing: Magic: the Gathering (hit me up for edh sometime!), Hades, Doom Eternal, Dungeons & Dragons 5e.

I love me some Call of Cthulhu, but the Alien RPG is the best tabletop horror game I’ve played in year

Anything else?

I also run a parody twitter for a Dungeons & Dragons villain!

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Ian Ager
Ian Ager

Ian Ager is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles. He spends most of his time procrastinating and pondering which sauce would be best to eat the rich with.

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