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Recipe Reviews By People Who Didn’t Follow the Recipe

I gave up on my sourdough starter three months ago when it turned grey and started emitting a strange, high-pitch sound.

Slow Cooker Tomato Soup
★★★

I hate tomatoes, and I do not have a slow cooker. Therefore, I substituted butternut squash and made this in my microwave. I have to say, this tasted nothing like the recipe said it would. PS. I went to Harvard.

Rustic Sourdough Bread

I gave up on my sourdough starter three months ago when it turned grey and started emitting a strange, high-pitch sound.

Mashed Potatoes
★★

I used organic, heirloom potatoes from my local farmers’ market instead of the Yukon Golds the recipe called for. If you’re using supermarket potatoes, are you really even trying to make decent mashed potatoes or are you an absolute failure at life? I bet you live in your mom’s basement. 

Chicken with Olives
★★★★

Olives from a jar? Please. You really need to make your own olives, a fairly straightforward process if you’re not afraid of using lye. I got chemical burns on most of the skin on my left pinky, but I don’t really use that finger too much anyway, so personally I think it was worth the extra step. 

Easy Paella
★★★

Paella is a labor of love. It shouldn’t be “easy”! That’s the problem with Millennials, they think everything should be easy and comfortable, and that’s why breakfast cereal is too much effort and sweatpants are now “joggers”. Back in the ‘70s, making paella was a six-day-long process that involved the entire commune! Next time, I will also add less paprika.

Skillet Brownies
★★

I baked these in a regular baking pan instead of a skillet and I added walnuts to the recipe. While the brownies were cooling, they disappeared – at first, I blamed the dog (who can’t have chocolate!), but then I realized my sourdough starter seemed to be burping and had acquired a distinct chocolate-y odour. Is that normal? 

Sirloin Steak
★★★

Being a vegetarian, I substituted lentils instead and the results were just okay. Does anyone have a good recipe for seared tofu?

Homemade Pizza

This recipe said to “feed” my sourdough starter before making the sourdough pizza crust, and I think that’s where my problems started. When I went to look for my sourdough starter, it appeared to have grown sentient and was conversing with my Alexa device. It somehow ordered six pounds of broccoli, and I hate broccoli. Nevertheless, I might attempt to make a broccoli soup if I can find a good recipe here, because what else am I supposed to do with six pounds of broccoli? 

Macaroni and Cheese
★★★★★

I am allergic to dairy so I substituted cashew milk, but it turned out one of my guests was allergic to nuts. I’m not sure whether or not Bill liked it, it was hard to understand what he said about the dish after he went into anaphylactic shock, but I loved it and will be making it again for Bill’s memorial service.


Author’s Pick

I’m reading the book Priestdaddy by Patricia Lockwood now and I’m obsessed with it! It’s so funny and smart.

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Janine Annett
Janine Annett

Janine Annett’s writing has appeared in the New York Times, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and many other places. Her book “I am ‘Why Do I Need Venmo?’ Years Old” is coming out in 2021.

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