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From Here To Immunity

It was not my most glamorous adventure to date, but I brought home the grandest souvenir... my first and second COVID-19 vaccinations.

The Dos and Don’ts of Abusing Your Wealth to Skip the Vaccination Queue

Dear followers, thank you for sticking with me throughout what has officially been my third-least traveled year since I began dictating this blog to my step-godson, Julian. I was supposed to see Majorca, Budapest, and Dubai this year, and while I did still go to those places, we can all agree it wasn’t quite as exciting as I imagine you wish it had been for me. 

I’m writing today because I recently went on a jaunt to Niagara Falls, NY! I’ll be honest, it was not my most glamorous adventure to date, but I brought home the grandest souvenir… my first and second COVID-19 vaccinations (thanks in large part to my former high school beau-turned-Wegmans pharmacist, Fester, who I promised a mouth handjob to in exchange for immunity). 

Some will say “but Renée, you’ve been in your late 30s for over a decade. Shouldn’t you wait your turn?” To this I kindly respond “no.” I have always believed that if you have the means, it is vital that you take whatever could be yours if you’re willing to go out of your way to make sure other people cannot have it. That’s why I’ve compiled some simple dos and don’ts for your eventual vaxx vacay (vaxxay?):

DO: Keep a low profile

Even in 2021, it still isn’t socially acceptable to abuse your privilege to travel out of state to get a vaccination, as every state has workers who put themselves at risk every day to keep society running. People maintain that these individuals should have priority, but the thing I find troubling is that I do not. Some will judge you for crossing state lines to get vaccinated. Others will accuse you of furthering inequality, as if this were somehow a bad thing. If anyone in town asks where you live while you’re on a post-vaccine stroll, say “just over yonder, by the public school. Terrible what happened there.” (As a wealthy person you may not be aware of this, but apparently every single public school in this country is marred by tragedy. Who knew?!)

DON’T: Flag down a local reporter during a live broadcast to say “I sucked off a Short King to get my COVID vaccine early”

While you may feel the need to publicly justify your decision to get the vaccine ahead of a healthcare worker, retail employee, or teacher, this is not the way to do it. Luckily, I was able to fix this unfortunate situation by saying “my son—he goes to that public school over there… I’m distraught!” They looked away in pity and I fled the scene in my armored orange Hummer.

DO: Continue to wear a mask

Whether you are in between your first and second shots or you simply asked Fester to ‘double dip’ on your first trip (in exchange for his own ‘double dip’ – bring Listerine, by the way), COVID-19 immunity will take some time to build up in your system. Plus, you paid a fortune for this Gucci mask, and it’d be a shame if no one knew that.

DON’T: Double down on the apparently false belief that casinos are a mask-free zone

If you’re like me—and what I assume must be millions of Americans—you’ve been led to believe that coronavirus cannot thrive in a casino environment because ‘the house always wins.’ Or maybe you just wanted to believe since you were in the mood for martinis and craps.

Unfortunately, casinos take their mask policy far more seriously than Southwest Airlines or French Laundry (the restaurant where you and California governor Gavin Newsom shared a nine course tasting menu and—gasp!—a kiss), so keep the mask on for now.

DO: Get a cappuccino at the local coffee shop

I loooove to support mom-and-pops when I travel, even if it isn’t American Express Small Business Saturday! Ask the concierge at the hotel for a local coffee recommendation. In Niagara, it was “Starbucks.” Be sure to thank each of the workers at the coffee shop and to tell them that their service is essential. And feel free to add that you’re an “ally” (a phrase Fester taught me) if they look queer to you.

DON’T: Sell your blood as “Vaccinated Blood”

It may be tempting to capitalize on your newfound COVID-19 immunity. The savvy entrepreneur is always looking for opportunities to enrich themselves, after all. In a market where the COVID vaccine is in high demand, it feels natural to sell your blood to the highest bidder and profit off your vaxx access (vaxxcess?). Unfortunately, one runs into supply chain issues (the human body cannot physically produce the kiloliters of blood you have promised to those Saudi Arabian oil magnates). The solution? By setting up a series of shell companies registered in various islands owned by sex predators, the Saudis will never be able to find the person they sent the Bitcoin to!

As a globe-traipsing troubadour, here’s what I’ve learned in my many galivants: COVID is not a hoax; but what is a hoax is thinking COVID relief will be fair, just and ethical. Well, I’m off to New Mexico to double-vaxx myself (they said that two masks are better than one, the same must be true of vaxes). Ciao!


This post appears courtesy of our February 2021 publishing partnership with Functionally Dead. Every month, Widget partners with an organisation to feature one post/week from their contributors, members, or so on. View the other posts from our partner’s contributors here.


Author’s Pick

the video game Disco Elysium, the podcasts Champagne Sharks and Citations Needed, the streaming service MeansTV, the book Why I Am Not a Feminist: A Feminist Manifesto by Jessa Crispin

Anything Else?

we also have a Patreon that we use to pay our contributors, so please kick in if you can to help support leftist writers and artists! – https://www.patreon.com/funcdead

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Functionally Dead
Functionally Dead

Functionally Dead is a leftist comedy and culture 'zine that publishes brand new issues of topical, irreverent satire bi-monthly. You can help support them by subscribing to their Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/funcdead

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