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FAQ: Our Back-of-the-Box Gazpacho Dip Recipe

Do you think Red Oval Farms is some two-bit operation? This ain’t Pepperidge Farm, bud.

The Red Oval Farms family thanks you for purchasing a box of our delicious and nutritious Mini Stoned Wheat Thins. While there’s no wrong way to enjoy them, we think they taste even better with this Gazpacho dip!

What Ingredients Do I Need?

This tasty dish is a cinch to make! Simply combine 1 chopped tomato, ½ cup chopped cucumbers, ½ cup chopped yellow peppers, ¼ cup chopped red onions, ¼ light italian dressing, ⅛ tsp ground black pepper, and serve with your Red Oval Farms Mini Stoned Wheat Snack Crackers!

Has This Recipe Ever Changed?

Nope! Mini Stoned Wheat Thins have been using this exact same recipe for over 15 years and counting!

Could We Ever See a Different Recipe?

No. This is a perfect recipe and it pairs perfectly with this product. 

I Don’t Have The Right Ingredients. Can I Make Substitutions?

See above.

Really? So This Recipe Can Never Change?

What part of ‘no’ are you still not getting? Well?

And hey, here’s a thought: maybe you could try asking a question that isn’t totally stupid? Surely you can muster that.

Woah! What’s With All The Hostility?

What did I just say about stupid questions?

I Don’t Think That’s How You Should Speak To Your Customers.

Lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.

I’m Just Saying, Lots Of Other Cracker Brands Encourage Experimentation!

Listen up and listen good, ’cause I’m only going to say this once: You’re so far out of your goddamn league right now it’s embarrassing. I am ashamed for you and on behalf of every poor soul that knows you. You think we just pulled this shit out of a hat? Do you think Red Oval Farms is some two-bit operation? This ain’t Pepperidge Farm, bud. This delectable, sensational salsa was scientifically engineered to bring out every single flavour note of our surprisingly complex cracker. It is not random nor is it subject to change. We spent more man hours on this recipe than your teensy weensy brain could ever compute. So I suggest you stay in your lane and just dip the chip.

Congrats, You Just Lost A Loyal Customer.

This is king shit, you wouldn’t understand.

I Demand To Speak To Your Bosses!

Ooh, we got ourselves a tough guy, do we?! And what are you gonna tell them? How you disrespected the very fabric of our sacred institution? How you questioned our integrity and even worse, our commitment to taste? I will not – I can not – let you minimise the boundless efforts we put into providing the most optimal consumer experience possible. Congratulations, pal! You have now officially lost the right to consume this snack. I don’t care how many unopened boxes you’ve got, to you they are now a forbidden treat. If you dare reach for a single cracker, so help me God, I will hunt you down and shove my arm down your gullet and retrieve it myself. And then, for my troubles, I’m gonna dump a few gallons of expired gazpacho dip all over your carpet.

Are You Threatening Me?!

What part of this are you not getting, champ? I now live rent free in your head – be on the lookout I just had my mail forwarded. You come at the Mini Stoned Wheat Thins, you best not miss. Take this L. Let it consume you – much in the same way one (but not you) would consume a delicious Mini Stoned Wheat Thin smothered in Gazpacho Dip. 

You know what? I’m feeling generous, I’ll let you keep the recipe after all, but I want you to beg for it. Get on your knees, quiver your lip and say “I’m begging you Sir, please can I have your gazpacho dip recipe?”

WHO CAN POSSIBLY STILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE DAMN GAZPACHO RECIPE?!

Mini. Stoned. Fucking. Wheat. Thins. That’s who.


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Nick Brigis

Nick Brigis is a comedian and writer based in New York City. His writing can be seen on Points and Case, Slackjaw, Robot Butt, and The Broadway Beat. Follow him on Twitter @nickbrigis.

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