“Where Should They Be Now?”: Trump’s Cabinet Officials

By Satan

Welcome, my fellow devils, to “Where Should They Be Now?”: The supernatural game show where we find out where our abominable people should’ve been, rather than where they are.

You see, Hell is usually a well-oiled machine but we do make mistakes. Our newest interns (John McCain and Nancy Reagan) must have misfiled the paperwork for today’s contestants. Useless! 

Anyway, the following people, who were supposed to be elsewhere, accidentally ended up in President Trump’s cabinet. 

So let’s play a game of  “Where should they be now?”

1. Mike Pence

First up is Mike Pence, a real nasty piece-of-work. You may have noticed that he almost never speaks. While many argue the VP should’ve been more vocal for human rights, the truth is he wasn’t actually supposed to be human at all. 

So…where should he be? 

Pence was originally supposed to be a centaur galloping through a forest – flying through a field, as half-horse, half-man, never having to speak to a woman or a man. In fact, never speaking at all. 

The Vice-President was known for his repeated gutting of protections against the LGBTQ+ community and his stance against same-sex marriage. What you may not realise is, Pence secretly opposes marriage between all humans. That’s right! To hide his attraction to woodland animals, he even married a human woman. In reality, it was the tender touch of a hoof he desired most. For in his heart, he was a centaur. 

We are all working overtime to get him back to chasing the moon in silence.

2. Steve Mnuchin

Steve here is the Secretary of Treasury and former producer for “Entourage,” a show that made more people vain and greedy than even I. Way to go, Steve!

So…where should he be? 

If our interns hadn’t made a clerical error, Mnuchin was supposed to be a broken traffic light at a confusing 5-way intersection. The kind of light that lands on red and stays there for wayyy too long, much like Entourage. So long, in fact, that cars start inching forward with impatience and when the light finally does turn green, there is an immediate car crash. Perhaps a 15-car pile-up if it’s my lucky day.

He’d inconvenience everyone and make them late to work, causing some to lose their jobs, just as he did as Secretary of Treasury when he tanked the economy and pushed the unemployment rate to new heights. No amount of honking can keep people out of this rat race!

Rest assured, we’re doing all we can to make sure Mnuch’ is sorted back to his proper fate ASAP so he can continue bringing ill to all those who cross his path. 

3. Jeff Sessions

Jeff Sessions was the former Attorney General and an icon for all of us pointy-eared demons. Like many of his cabinet-members-in-crime, ‘Sesh’ – that’s his nickname down here – ‘Sesh’ has already led a long, rich life of screwing people over. 

He supported the Iraq War, nice! Tax cuts for the rich, yeah, screw the poors! The deportation of immigrants, who needs’ em? He wanted to punish people dealing weed with the death sentence! (Unfortunately, most of these people went to heaven UGH.) He pushed to take “Islamic” books out of libraries, fought to keep marriage between a man and a woman, and was literally hated by Coretta Scott King. An icon! I’m blushing thinking about how many lives this man has destroyed. 

So…where should he be? 

The Sesh Man was originally supposed to be a sentient boy puppet. One owned by a white couple moving to gentrify a neighbourhood in Oakland. He’d make just enough noise in the middle of the night to creep out the child and make the rest of the family think she’s got something wrong with her. He’d hide the car keys, lay on the steps in the dark to trip people, and scare the dog to keep him barking all night. 

As we speak, we are transitioning him back into his puppet elf costume. 

4. Betsy DeVos

Betsy DeVos is the Secretary of Education. Which was an incredible achievement for someone who so vehemently opposed education! 

She fought to cut funding for under-performing schools, cut protections for student loan borrowers, reshape guidelines protecting sexual assault survivors, and – get this, this one is my FAVOURITE! – during the pandemic, she redirected all the money from public schools towards private and religious schools. Ha! Even I couldn’t even think of something so evil. 

Fan-deviling so hard right now. 

So…where should she be? 

Clearly, Betsy D. relishes tormenting America’s students, an act she’s had to cloak with liberal phrases in the modern era. Well, that’s because she was born in the wrong era.

If it hadn’t been for those interns’ mistakes, ole Bets would be a teacher in the rural south in the 1920s. I’d say somewhere like Alabama, where she could openly attack poor and Black students and do it proudly. She’d mock immigrants’ accents. She’d take away hungry people’s lunches. She’d have the class read her personal copy of “Huck Finn,” one where every word but the N-word is censored. 

While she may have done much of this in her current life anyway, we’re filing the necessary paperwork to bring her back to the 20s where she belongs.

5. Stephen Miller

Stephen Miller is the Senior Advisor for Policy to the President and the architect of the policy that separated migrant children from their parents. 

This magnificent bastard tucked into bed every night imagining with joy the cries of those caged children. Ditto, Steve. Ditto. 

So…where should he be? 

There’s a reason Fivehead here enjoys bringing misery to all, it’s because he was actually supposed to be the owner of a combination crematorium and funeral home. He already has the gaunt, vampire-like appearance required for the role. 

He would’ve used his position to help murderers get away with their acts. That’s why he was supposed to be in California, the state with the most serial killers per capita.

His cunning and lack of empathy for any and all could’ve been put to great use at the hub of death and grief. In his free time, when murders were low, he could’ve killed some innocent animals too. Oh well. At least he still spread just as much wickedness from his position in Trump’s cabinet.

However, we are doing everything we can to bring him back to a funeral home so that he can continue enjoying the sound of crying as families are separated from their loved ones.

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