A Modern Bestiary Of Humans

Queeg-14 thanks the Council for their hallowed review of this modest work, a classification of modern human beasts.

Compiled by Queeg-14

The following compendium was presented at The Council of the Nine, following Queeg-14’s successful scouting expedition to Earth in Annorum 657478 (“human year” 2021). Queeg-14 thanks the Council for their hallowed review of this modest work, a classification of modern human beasts:

The Both-Sider
Physically, most often a pale-skinned human wearing a “suit,” the Both-Sider’s traditional outfit meant to denote respectability and intellect. However, contrary to their appearance, Both-Siders seem incapable of constructing an argument without creating false dichotomies between two non-equivalent things. Spend large amounts of time talking, very little time thinking. Queeg-14 found exhausting; recommend liquidating for medical use.

The Conspiracy Theorist
Queeg-14 was concerned this group of self-proclaimed “truth-seekers” would be closest to understanding The Council of the Nine’s grand plan for humanity, but they were…very focused on child sex trafficking rings. Like, weirdly focused on that one very specific thing, to the point that none of them noticed Queeg-14, a literal alien being, in their midst. One-track minds. Do not abduct. 

The Reply Guy
Disembodied; Queeg-14 never saw one “reply guy” in the wild, but found ample written evidence of their work online. While this human variant can be of any gender identity, they most commonly manifest as males who “reply” to comments or conversations where they have no expertise and are not wanted. Often form imaginary relationships with those they are “replying” to. Desperate for conversation and validation; we may be able to harvest their yearning for connection and turn it into the emotional energy desperately needed to power Stratum-422.

The Life Hack Guru
Physicality is notable for its crunched posture, red eyes from too much screen time, and unsteady gut due to massive caffeine ingestion. This human variant spends their entire life writing “listicles” on ways in which other humans can save tiny amounts of time. They are kept up at night haunted by the abstract concept of “Search Engine Optimization.” Would benefit from several years hard labor in the secretion huts. Paradoxical creatures; given to over simplifications; in Queeg-14’s opinion, need to drink more water. 

The Gamer
🚨 🚨 Warning 🚨 🚨 These humans have vast, interconnected networks where they chat with each other in fictional worlds as well as gather to watch one another defeat enemies in those worlds. They openly share battle strategies (strangely rife with Earth slurs) and train for many hours a day. Quite dangerous to us; very advanced in combat. Recommend neutralizing them first when the takeover begins. Queeg-14 did like their headsets a lot.

The Tech Bro
Queeg-14 regrets being so blunt, but: abhorrent creatures. They already track all their biological metrics on small devices they willingly wear on their bodies. Never shut up; believe skill in one area translates to skill in many other areas despite no such training. Prime to be the first group to be eaten by The Council of the Nine. Queeg-14 is sorry to repeat, but it must be said again: very annoying.

The Politician
Well-groomed; expensive body coverings and hair; however Queeg’s scans for heart activity were inconclusive. These humans claim to represent the masses, though their true allegiance is to other creatures such as “corporate donors” and “pharma lobbyists.” Simulate solidarity with limited success. Leave them to rot  — they serve no value, in Queeg-14’s opinion, not even as much-needed fertilizer for the organ fields in Stratum-422.

The Tik-Toker
An energetic form of younger human who receives the vast majority of their information via dance routines and gesturing at text on a small screen. Spend much of their daily consciousness allowance on their pocket devices. Collectively assembled a musical about a rat who cooks, and revived ancient human ritual of the “sea shanty”. Very fun group, Queeg-14 would like to hang with them more! Queeg has a nice baritone for shanty. Tik-Tokers be used as a farm system for next season of “Omaro’s Got Talent.”

The Comedian
This human variant willingly shares exorbitant amounts of embarrassing personal information on various internet websites seemingly with no concern for their future employment. However, they are also easily subordinated with mild flattery, which gives them value as cannon fodder in the coming wars. Many seem to have a side interest in neuroscience, as there is much chatter in their community about deficits in “serotonin” and “dopamine” as well as accusations of “smooth brains.” Allow, in very limited amounts so as not to grow tired of them.

And there you have it: a Modern Bestiary of Humans. Despite potential usefulness of some human variants, Queeg-14 deems this iteration a failure. Recommend restarting the simulation immediately.

Author’s Pick

I recommend 750words.com. Use it to free write, do morning pages, or work out parts of a longer work. Never in my life have I written every day, but I’m on a 110 day streak right now! It helps build your writing muscle so more words come more easily and consistently over time. 

Editor’s note: You can also check out some funny novels Caitlin is teaching here.

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Caitlin Kunkel
Caitlin Kunkel

Caitlin Kunkel is a writer, teacher, and highly acclaimed pizza scientist. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The New Yorker, and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. She created the Online Satire Writing Program for The Second City and co-created the Satire and Humor Festival.

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