I’m Sorry, Curiosity Shoppe Cannot Offer A Refund For Your Monkey’s Paw

Hello Mr. Mathews,

Thank you for writing to Curiosity Shoppe’s help desk. We’re here to make your dreams come true. Within reason, of course.

Unfortunately, due to very strict return guidelines, I cannot give you a refund for the Monkey’s Paw you purchased. Though you have not used it yet, you state the case’s seal is broken. This invalidates the 90-day return policy. I apologise for any inconvenience, Mr. Mathews. I hope you can still enjoy your Monkey’s Paw. 

Amy Scuttles, Customer Service Representative 

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Good morning Mr. Mathews,

Thank you for writing in again.

I understand that you’re feeling some level of anger over your failed first wish. Unfortunately, the Curiosity Shoppe is not responsible for product misuse. Surely the associate who sold you the rare oddity included the “Be careful what you wish for” rundown along with the standard ominous laugh before disappearing in a puff of smoke? It is company policy.

Even if she were derelict in her duties, the Monkey’s Paw does come with an ancient scroll of instructions attached to the sales receipt. It is translated into 89 of the most commonly-used languages. Had you read it you would have known the risk of asking the Monkey’s Paw to grant your desires. Frankly, I believe you should consider yourself lucky that, when the box sealed itself, your child only lost his hand. If I were you, I’d put that item behind glass and keep it as a curiosity to spark dinner conversations.

But to confirm the answer to your question, no, I will not be able to process a return. 

Have a great day. 

Amy Scuttle, Customer Service Representative

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Hello Mr. Mathews,

Apologies for the delay in responding to your service ticket. After leaving work last week I was struck by a train…on the sidewalk. Strange, no?

Luckily for me, Curiosity Shoppe is generous with their insurance packages and spared no expense when it came to saving my life. Every bit of me besides sections of my brain had to go. I’ve been fused inside a metal exoskeleton with human organs and skins grafted from donated body parts and cells.

The doctors say I’m a whole new person: Amy403-61. Unfortunately, my changed state does not mean the return policy has changed here at Curiosity Shoppe. It’s still a “No” on the Monkey’s Paw thing. 

Let me know if I can be of any extra assistance.

Best,

Amy403-61, Customer Service Representative

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Dear Mr. Mathews,

Lovely to hear from you on this fine day. To answer your question, yes, we have actually quite suddenly changed our policies. The bad news is we still can’t accept your return. 

We’ve changed our policies around using plastics. The Curiosity Shoppe Company is now leaning all the way into devouring our competition, no matter what the cost. Since plastics are cheaper to make, ship, and store, our owners have stopped selling anything biodegradable in our stores. Nothing that was once living graces our shelves or is included in the return policy.

This includes the off-brand American Girl dolls made with real children’s teeth.

This includes the manifestation journal with the premium human skin cover..

And this of course includes the mummified remains of a primate’s appendage. 

Have a great day Mr. Mathews.

Amy403-61, Customer Service Representative 

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Greetings Mr. Mathews

I beg you, please stop trying to return this paw. It wasn’t meant to be. Or, at the very least, stop making wishes on it. Can’t you see what it’s doing? It’s feeding on your ego, the part of you that believes you are always right and that you will be the first person clever enough to trick both a Monkey’s Paw and Curiosity Shoppe’s extremely stringent return policy!

Yes, I know you made another wish. Why else would you write in with such confidence that I’m going to give you a return after all this time?

While we do sell living things again now, it’s not on purpose. Some unholy force (MAYBE LIKE A MONKEY’S PAW?!?!) caused all of our merchandise to come to life. Our wide selection of plastic curiosities all awoke at once in our stores, warehouses, and customers’ homes and began their murderous rampage.

I write to you now from inside one of our building’s safe rooms, having fought my way through their hordes. The CEO is gone. A talking doll with the soul of a dead child dragged him down the stairs last I saw. So I’m afraid I can’t escalate this any further. I suggest you don’t either. You’ve got one more wish! Stop while you’re ahead and put it on your mantle as a reminder that buyer’s remorse is your problem and not mine. 

Thank you, have a nice day, and for god’s sake, hide with your loved ones until these horrors are defeated.

Amy403-61, Customer Service Representative and badass with a spear it seems

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Hello Mr. Mathews,

I’m writing to send you your schedule for your onboarding next week. I know that making a wish for more wishes did not give you the intended result. Once again, if you had bothered to read that scroll, you would know that the wish for more wishes automatically causes all active wishes to stop. Then you are granted the power you desired. To make wishes come true–

AS A MEMBER OF THE CURIOSITY SHOPPE CUSTOMER SERVICE TEAM! Where we make sure every customer gets what they ask for.

Within reason, of course. 

Amy403-61, Head of Customer Service Training Program

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