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From the Desk of Principal Jim Mahoney
Wilson High School
To the Parents and Students of Wilson High,
We are excited to welcome you back into our hallowed halls which, we regret to inform you, still serve as hunting and breeding grounds for the velociraptor herd that broke into the building last summer. And though this has made it challenging to offer the safe learning environment we pride ourselves on at Wilson, that doesn’t mean we’re relaxing rules in other areas: on the contrary, I want to take a moment to remind you of our mandatory student dress code.
These rules keep distractions at a minimum, and protect raptors from being unnecessarily provoked. Maintaining a professional appearance is key to academic success, whether or not you’re being stalked by a prehistoric murder-bird.
Pants: Pants must be worn with a belt, no sagging. No one wants to see your underwear! Nor do they want to see you dragged into the teacher’s lounge/raptors’s nesting place by the trailing hem of your JNCOs. If you want to be treated with respect, and not torn to pieces beneath the espresso machine, then hike up those pants.
Skirts: If you must wear a skirt, pick one that reaches well past your meaty mid-thighs. Raptors will be raptors – so cover up those juicy drumsticks! A regular pair of slacks is always a good choice for looking respectful, and for outrunning your slowest friend. Nothing too tight though. Remember, you don’t want to look like two large sausages squeezed into their casings, as that is what the raptors were fed before escaping captivity.
Jeans: Ripped jeans will not be tolerated at WHS. Some have pointed out that in the event of an attack, a raptor’s razor talons would easily tear through denim, causing an inadvertent dress code violation. These cases will be handled by a disciplinary committee who will determine whether the student’s jeans were legitimately ripped or if the student enticed the velociraptor into a fight in order to have their jeans fashionably distressed.
Perfume: We do not allow perfume on school premises – so put the Daisy by Marc Jacobs away! This has nothing to do with raptors: vice principal Turner’s ex used to wear that scent so now he cries whenever he catches a whiff of it. We need VP Turner focused on the raptor problem, not Sandra’s infidelities.
Jewelry: Small, tasteful jewelry is acceptable. When you’re hiding in the supply closet, the glint of bling is a dead giveaway to a raptor. So nothing too ostentatious – you might as well wear a big sign that says, “Over here, raptors! I’m shimmery and I’m tasty!”
Modesty: For our young ladies, your top must cover your midriff and your chest fully: teenage breasts look surprisingly like raptor eggs – an unsettlingly astute observation made by Coach Jacobs at our last teacher summit! – and nothing angers a mama raptor like stolen eggs. I recommend a turtleneck over two layered sports brassieres, but we will accept anything that clamps down your whole situation. Please: keep “The Girls” securely caged, unlike the velociraptors who easily unlocked the cage the shop students built.
No High Heels: Shoes should be flat. If a raptor ingests a sharp heeled stiletto, it could cause intestinal distress and only serve to increase their aggression. In fact, students should avoid any and all spikes on their apparel. My goal is that you will not be eaten alive by one of the raptors, full stop, but if it should happen I think we can all agree we’d prefer it go down as smoothly as possible.
Logos: In addition to profanity, sexually suggestive images, and references to offensive television like South Park or Friends, we will no longer be allowing the Jurassic Park logo on apparel. This excites the raptors into a frenzy, though we have yet to determine if this is because they didn’t like the movie or because they absolutely loved it.
If you have any questions about the dress code, please feel free to ask. If you have questions about the origins of the genetically-cloned velociraptors, please take that up with the PTA. It is worth noting that PTA has also been taken over by the raptors.
Principal, Wilson High School
Little Weirds by Jenny Slate; @Britchida on Instagram; “Narcissus” by Lizzie No; putting nutmeg on Mac and Cheese