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A Day In The Life Of The Dog You Can’t Stop Petting In Red Dead Redemption 2

I’m just an Australian Shepherd living my best life in 1899. I hope you enjoy this diary and remember, I respond best when you press square to “praise.”

Howdy, cowpoke! I’m just an Australian Shepherd living my best life in 1899. To be honest, my days are pretty simple – but you never know what could happen in the Wild West! For example, the sheriff in this town is definitely having an affair, and there’s a one-armed man who doesn’t know his name – so who knows what’ll happen tomorrow?! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this diary and remember, I respond best when you press square to “praise.”

6:30 AM: Wake up in the muddy streets of Valentine.

This is pretty typical for me and a lot of people in this town. Every evening around 7 PM, the local farmers, ranchers, and merchants occupy the saloon and drink until they can’t see in front of them, before stumbling and blacking out in the mud we call Main Street. Luckily, the mud absorbs most of the urine, and the warm bodies make for a good snuggle at night – win/win! 

I wake up next to a card shark named “Sixes” O’Connell. (He always plays a pair of sixes. He’s a very bad card shark.) He reeks of bourbon and barf. Yes sir, it’s another Valentine morning! It may not be for everyone, but I love this beautiful, little town south of the mountains!

7:00 AM: Eat Breakfast

After a morning stroll around the town (it’s one block long), I find some breakfast next to the butcher’s stand. Personally, my favorite is the legendary bear meat scraps but typically I just eat the leftover squirrel since this guy can’t sell meat for shit.

8:00 AM to Noon: Bark and Wander

This is probably the most important part of my day and it’s something I take very seriously. The wandering part is easy since RDR2 has a huge world map – though it’d be easier if I had ‘fast travel’ unlocked. However, barking is the hard part and it’s taken a few years to master. A novice would bark at any ol’ thing that passes by – be it a wagon, cattle or the decapitated head of that poor Kieran Duffy (spoilers) – but a dog with the proper coding knows better than that. If I’m going to bark, it’s going to be at something really special, like someone with maxed-out honor.

Noon to 1:00 PM: Lunch

Someone threw up their half-digested chilli from day drinking at Smithfield’s Saloon, so lunch was pretty hearty today.

1:00 to 1:30 PM: Arthur Morgan pets me for 30 minutes straight

A man approached me and said “C’mere, boah.” And so I did. Next thing I knew, I was wagging my tail and getting pets for a half hour. This guy is the absolute best!

1:30 PM to 1:50 PM: I watch Arthur Morgan and friends rob a bank

As soon as he finished petting me, Arthur met up with his friends and stood outside of the bank. A drunk lady from their posse went in there, talking up a storm, and then they followed with weapons and dynamite. Next thing I know, I hear a huge explosion!. So I start barking and everyone in town that owns a gun – which is everyone in town – starts shooting at Arthur and his friends as they flee the scene. They eventually escape and frankly, I’m glad that they do. Anyone who pets my head as good as Mr. Morgan can’t be all bad – he’s probably just misunderstood…

2:00 PM to 8:00 PM: Fall asleep on a porch somewhere

Most dogs would call it falling asleep but I call it, “the main character is out of range so we technically don’t exist.” You always forget you’re just another asset in an open world game until suddenly, you and your friends are unloaded and wiped from memory – till the next time that wonderful Mr. Morgan crosses the draw distance again, that is!

And that’s my Day in the Life! It’s not too exciting and not too complicated but it’s simple enough for someone who never ages. 

*Editor’s note: We followed up with the Australian Shepherd living in Valentine in 1907 and they mentioned a second man also petted them for 30 minutes straight but under the name John Marston.


Author’s Pick

Book: Big Little Man by Alex Tizon
Album: Songs for Her’s by Her’s
Movie: School of Rock
Piece of advice: do something you’re scared of

Anything else?

L.O.L. means Lots Of Love

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John Hedrick

John Hedrick is a standup comedian who got his [long] legs in the DC comedy scene. Now he resides in New York and is the co-founder of The Lunar Times - the first satire site for ALL Asian Americans. Give them a follow on IG and Twitter @The_Lunar_Times!

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