Greetings citizens of Earth. Don’t be afraid of my hologram tentacles. I wanted to let you know that I have decided not to eradicate the human race with my ⋺◊œ«¬∆‡ Destruction Beam anymore. I was thinking about it, had the beam aimed on your coordinates and everything, but I decided not to. Let me tell you why.
As I was researching whether your planet deserved total annihilation, I learned a great deal about the unfathomable horrors your society has wrought. When I learned about war, genocide, systemic oppression, I was ready to run all fires on the crystal beam and eliminate you! However, I also found the ebay shop “N0stalg1c__Tr3Ats,” where, for the sake of scholarly inquiry, I procured the human CD-ROM game disc, Disney Princess: Magical Dress-Up (2003).
I have studied this piece of art, Disney Princess: Magical Dress-Up, for many └⌮⍼∂⥉¯° cycles. According to my research, most human computer games have some sort of plot, or overarching puzzle for the player to return to – typically involving intricate transportation laws or a little plumber who hits his head a lot. Not this game. This game gives a player the opportunity to meet one of three princesses and put outfits together for her approval. Approval is granted regardless of the outfit, and the player is given the opportunity to “print it out.” This was a turning point for me. I realized, I cannot destroy a civilization that turns the tedium of daily preparations into such a delightful romp through palace wardrobes. If your people could create pink hoop skirts or gloves that go all the way up to one’s elbows, what other wonders might you create if left to prosper? This game has saved all of your lives.
Mere days ago, I was recalibrating the destruction crystal, being unable to decide between ↭℧∄ℑ phase or ≜∷∰∾ phase, when I snagged the switch halfway between them. Some call this imprecise behaviour, but obviously it is a hallmark of my incredible intentionality and focus. Anyway, as I waited for the phasers to restart, I lackadaisically opened the game, sure it would be the final nail in your collective planetary coffin. After all, you creatures are unequivocally monsters… or so I thought, until I created a Princess Guide and explored three exquisite human towns with my new friends, Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine.
I saw wonders of architecture (palaces), wonders of creativity (fashion), and most importantly, the wonder of friendship (princesses showing me their palaces and fashion)! Could I have been wrong about humans (and/or mermaids) this entire time?
I always thought I would never wish to meet any humans in person, appalled as I was by how you depleted your ozone layer for profit, starved children, and invented high-low skirts. But the more time I have spent with my princess friends, the more I have grown to feel affection for them, and for your species by extension.
As they showed me the places they hide their jewelry and lavish gowns, offering them to me in exchange for solving simple pun riddles, I found myself enchanted by their regal charms! For example, “one more special surprise in this pool… look for a group that is known as a school” Are you kidding?? Ariel knows that “school” can mean a place where human children learn or a group of fish!! If you click on the group of fish, you can find a dress, covered in a magical pattern of a school of swimming fish!! Divine!!
The old me would see these princesses, locked away with riches designed to their capricious whims, as another damning example of human greed and one more reason to eliminate your species altogether. But the new me has discovered: hoarding crowns and umbrellas shaped like flowers is really fun! Mankind isn’t cruel on purpose, it is only fate that your beautiful leaders (with scientifically improbable large eyes) are distracted by the joys of their trinkets! I would spend all day playing with my riches too if they were as delightful as a veil of sparkling roses that hovered over any of my custom outfits! All of my riches are just boring stuff, like plutonium coated paper weights and death lasers.
What I’m saying is, I have seen the absolute depths to which human society can sink. But I understand now that your people are biologically incapable of creating beauty without that suffering. And after seeing the beauty in question – Ariel’s Magical Undersea Hideaway, Jasmine’s Magical Cave of Wonders, and whatever Belle’s little town square was called – I’m fine with it. I vow to never question humanity’s methods or try to eradicate you from the galaxy. To borrow words from your royal families: I Princess Promise 🙂
If you have an iPhone, your notes app can scan documents! Click on the camera icon on the bottom and you’ll see it! Scanners are obsolete!!!