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You, Too, Can Live Like A King—Assuming Your Father’s A Wealthy Corporate Takeover Specialist

Wanna know what it takes to live like a king? It’s simple really. Have a father who is a wealthy corporate takeover specialist.

Wanna know what it takes to live like a king? It’s simple really. There are three things every person must possess if they want to be successful:

  1. Persistence: You have to be willing to do anything to meet your goals. This can sometimes mean working up to four hours a week, every other week. 
  2. Confidence: As soon as you start doubting yourself, you might as well pack up your things and go home. Unfortunately, confidence isn’t something you can attain. Either you’re born with it or you’re not, like being white or having a nine-figure trust fund set up in your name.
  3. Lastly, and most importantly, make sure that your father is a ludicrously wealthy corporate takeover specialist who’s willing to bankroll your lavish lifestyle to compensate for the fact that he missed out on most of your childhood because he was away in prison on security laws violations. This step is crucial. Without it, you can pretty much forget about the first two. 

I call this the “Dan Bilzerian Method,” or “DB” for short. And yes I realize DB also stands for douchebag, but in my world that’s practically a compliment. In fact, the more times you get called douchebag, the more obvious it is you’re doing something right.

Everyone wants the mansion in the Hollywood Hills, the yachts, the women, the in-home zoo full of exotic and critically endangered animals, and the arsenal of guns big enough to attempt a South American coup on behalf of the CIA. But not everyone is willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get on my level, such as settling for a two-month sex tour throughout Southeast Asia instead of your usual three-month sex tour throughout Southeast Asia. And even if you are, there’s still no guarantee that you’ll find success. Because let’s face it, you also have to have luck.

After all, what are the chances that you’re born to a wealthy corporate takeover specialist who, rather than putting his money toward something useful, like battling climate change, solving world hunger, or paying taxes, throws it all away on his emotionally stunted son so that he can play out his wildest fantasies like some sort of demented, toxic masculinity version of Willy Wonka’s “Pure Imagination,” but instead of chocolate rivers and everlasting gobstoppers it’s mountains of blow and high-end escorts who are willing to give you the “girlfriend experience” for $1,000 dollars extra per hour? At best, maybe 1 in 5? At least that’s the ratio of my friends whose fathers are wealthy corporate takeover specialists.

The number one reason people fail to live up to my way of life is because they make excuses, such as, “But my father isn’t a wealthy corporate takeover specialist. He’s just a humble Chief Marketing Officer at a Fortune 500 company.” Take it from me, someone who has experienced exactly zero hardship in his life and who bought his first Lamborghini before he was out of diapers (12): If you want something bad enough, you need to find a way to make it happen.

Of course, my method isn’t the only path to success. Another option is to have an oil tycoon great-grandfather who leaves everything to you because you were the only one who listened to his war stories, like my friend Thad. You can also try moving in with a hotel heiress more than three times your age who thinks that you’re her long-deceased husband Harold, like my friend Chet. The important thing is having unlimited amounts of money that you didn’t earn. Well? Do you have what it takes?

Let’s be honest. This lifestyle is not for everyone. You have to be able to go 110% balls to the wall day in and day out. You have to have a take-no-prisoners attitude. And most of all, you have to have a father who is a wealthy corporate takeover specialist, or a career with comparable income. I can’t stress that last point enough. It’s kind of the whole deal.

For more tips on how you can live like a king-shit boss like me, sign up for my five-day “Sons of Wealthy Corporate Takeover Specialists Retreat” in Lake Tahoe. Must be 21 years or older to attend, and must have at least one parent who is a wealthy corporate takeover specialist. (We will also accept sons of ridiculously rich real estate developers, insanely affluent media moguls, and warlords).


Author’s Pick

Reading suggestions:

  • Poking a Dead Frog by Mike Sacks
  • What I’d Say to the Martians by Jack Handey
  • Knockout by John Jodzio
  • Dogwalker by Arthur Bradford

TV suggestions:

  • People Just Do Nothing
  • Mr. Inbetween
  • Seinfeld (have you heard of it?)
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Graeme Carey

Graeme Carey is a humor writer from Hamilton, Ontario. You can find his stuff in McSweeney's, Slackjaw, The Offing, Points in Case, and a bunch of other places.

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