Register for your 100% free subscription. Full details.
The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Review Their New Jobs
After humans decided to take their jobs – being fully qualified at death and destruction themselves – the Four Horsemen were forced to find new employment. We sat down with each of them to learn more about their new jobs.
Death: Haunted House Worker
“It’s the only job I could get. Fucking playing a Grim Reaper at a haunted house. It’s alright. I mean, it pays the bills, but most people don’t really find me scary anymore.
“Like, today, I’m just existing, wearing my normal fucking clothes and this customer walks right by me and says, ‘Lol. What is this, 18th-century Germany?’ So, I give her my classic spiel and tell her that her ‘time has come’ and ‘I must collect her eternal soul,’ etc., etc. But then she goes, ‘Am I supposed to be, like, scared or something?’ Well, that set me off, so I screamed, ‘Yes, Beth. Sorry I’m not some fucking zombie cannibal, but as the sentient manifestation of death, I’d say, yeah, you’re supposed to be pretty fucking scared.’ But she just shrugged and wandered off.
“I just feel like I have no sense of purpose anymore. And I know I would feel better if I could take a soul again, just one fucking soul… Anyway, gotta go, break’s over.”
War: Teaches Kids How to Play the Card Game, War
“My friend got me this job. It’s an after-school program geared towards assisting them with homework, but that shit’s boring! So I’ve been teaching them card games instead, specifically War.
“It’s an easy way to channel my anger and need for destruction into teaching these kids to conquer and be ruthless. It’s fantastic. I don’t even have to do too much work because strong kids are naturally inclined to prey upon the weak. Just the other day, Kenny, one of my favorites, absolutely annihilated this kid at our first War tournament. His opponent was this sad, helpless dweeb who started crying. I’ve never been more proud! I mean, Kenny made the kid cry. My own little tiny soldier in the army of chaos and destruction.
“I’m getting sappy just talking about it.”
Pestilence: Intern for Dr. Fauci
“The job is okay. The stress of the White House is unreal and Tony – sorry, ‘Dr. Fauci’ – just keeps saying, ‘I want to save people!’ But what about what I want? I just want to wipe out the human race, ya know?
“This job is suffocating me. I keep telling him that I can make this virus wayyy stronger and he just flat out ignores me and asks me to get him coffee. They even developed a vaccine, can you believe it?! I’d love to take a crack at showing the human race what a real virus looks like. Really bring back the terror and chaos of the bubonic times and give the anti-vaxxers a run for their money. Damn, that sounds fun.
“For now, I’m just getting coffee and making copies. Did you know Fauci takes his coffee with oat milk? Bitch says it’s better for the planet. You know what’s better for the planet, Tony? Less humans. If you cared about the environment, you’d let me kill them, but sure, here’s your decaf oat milk latte from Starbucks. Asshole.”
Famine: Creates Climate Change Resistant Salmon
“I’m finding great peace here in Maine. Every day I get to work on the Atlantic and test the strength of these salmon. It’s not the same joy as starving humanity, but it’s rewarding in its own way. I’m currently breeding ‘super salmon.’ Resistant to anything I put in its path. Stronger than anything this world has ever seen. Capable of devouring everything and everyone in their path. Mercilessly extinguishing the Earth’s resources one salmon farm at a time. Every day, they grow stronger, and with them, my power. For they will become me and I will become them – Super Salmon and Famine, united in destruction. Becoming one so we can rain Hell on those who dare to doubt us! Muah ha ha ha ha!!!
“So yeah, the job is pretty cool. I enjoy it.”
TV: The Great North, Arrested Development (alwayssss), Killing Eve, Schitt’s Creek, VEEP, Fleabag, Psych, Good Omens
Books: Kindred by Octavia Butler, Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer (and the movie!!!!), New Poets of Native Nations, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (really anything by her), Dearly by Margaret Atwood (anything by her, especially her poetry. Sexual poems about cicadas? Hells yes)