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Marie Antoinette here. Surely, you remember me, non? Former Queen of France?! Euh… they cut off ma tête? Kirsten Dunst played me, sympathetically, in a Sofia Coppola film? Too indie? Euh… ‘Let them eat cake’? Yeah? You remember me now? Super! Although, I didn’t actually say that phrase. Just embodied the sentiment!
Anyway, I am literally in your country right now and I just want to know, ‘What is going on?’ If I had tried half of the merde folle your politicians get away with today, the people of France would have had my head sooner – you think the guillotine is scary? Clearly you’ve never heard of the other, much more brutal, French punishments like suffocation by croissant, parachuting using only the Devil’s beret, or the dreaded le masque du fromage (where they cut off your nose and you just bleed into spoiled cheese). But here in America, you people just take it! C’est incroyable!
For example, in America, your politicians agree to spend so much money on les police, so they can buy fancy uniforms and Lamborghinis and riot gear – all manner of extravagance! But when I splurge on handmade outfits for wax figures of myself to arrange in my living room for a life-sized doll party, I need to “get over myself because nobody wants to look at me that much?” Um… I would like to look at me that much, so there!
The fact is, I am jealous! America gets to brand itself as the greatest country in the world, even though your politicians choose to funnel relief funds to the Pentagon instead of just making medicine free while they’re at it? But when I choose to have one ball a month with themes like “I Have The Prettiest Teeth!” and “Marie Is So Pretty And Smart!”, I am a “self obsessed party animal?” SMH!
You literally have governors not being honest about how many people die during a pandemic – Cuomo tried to sweep, like, 6,500 care home deaths under the rug. Au revoir, grandma! But when I’m not honest about how many of the local children have gone missing in my dungeons for stealing food to feed their family, I’m “a cold-hearted monster?” Which, I guess is true, because I don’t know where any of the kids are any more, but that’s my right as Queen! Merde!
Oh, and don’t get me started on the collection of creeper politicians that permeate your political offices: Cuomo, Gaetz, Roy Moore, Jim Jordan… Everyone knows who they (allegedly) are and I guess it’s très cool? And yet, when I had an artistic collection of the creepy demons I see during sleep paralysis paraded through the village to be venerated by the masses, I was “freaking everyone out” and “should immediately dispose of them because everyone is crying?” C’est pas juste!
Ugh! Your billionaires get to hoard their wealth through the ‘tax cuts’ and ‘corporate welfare’ your leaders grant them, while everyday people work 2 or 3 jobs with no stability, stagnating wages, and precarious housing. Quelle horreur! But when I have fanciful banquets in glass buildings so outsiders can admire from afar I am “making a gaudy display of my wealth” and “have no insight into the trouble that has befallen many people of France?” Um, what is trickle down economics if not letting the less fortunate live vicariously through you at a safe distance???
To be clear, despite my jealousy that I could not get away with such terrible behaviour without “losing my head” – you’ve got to have a sense of humour – I just want to make it clear I am not here to judge these United States. Like, I heard that Melania was doing a photoshoot during the coup, and honestly? That is so me! I just want to be like a harmless socialite who gets a reality show on E!
So what do you say, America? I come in peace. Would love a do-over.
Marie Antoinette, your soon-to-be Kim Kardashian replacement hopefully
- Ted Lasso (it’s like chicken soup for the soul)
- Kim’s Convenience (I feel empty waiting for season 5 to get on Netflix)
- Search Party (incredibly absurd and disturbing. Ideal genre mix)
- The Great (raunchy comedic period piece. Hope to write one someday!)
- To lift up some animated shows: Undone, Hilda, Infinity Train, Erased (anime).
I only saw Lars and the Real Girl once, and it was many years ago, but I remember really thinking it was sweet and it may or may not be a reason why I write so many friend/love stories about people and not people. Don’t hold me to it!