It’s time again for Fortune 500 to release its Best Erotic Fiction of 2021! These steamy and satisfying capitalist tales are penned by some of today’s top CEOs. Pull up your stock portfolio, slip into a warm bubble bath, and enjoy!
Getting involved with her was dangerous, he knew. He’d been hurt before. Those last seventeen sexual harassment lawsuits had broken his heart nearly beyond repair, not to mention almost #MeToo’d him out of his $600,000 bonus.
But Jessica was different from the other girls. Yes, she was still a junior associate thirty years younger than him, but the moment he saw her, he knew she was the one. What was his favourite thing about her? Was it her smile, her shapely ass, or the dog-eared copy of The Fountainhead she kept tucked in her bra?
Now they were finally alone in his hotel room. Jessica put a hand on his chest and purred, “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a jacked Ben Sasse?”
He was ready to devour her like she was a mom and pop business competing in his sector.
“Wait,” she said. “Before we go any further… you know, I get paid less than all the male junior associates, and even they make about 2% of what you do. Don’t you think we should do something about that?”
He was in free fall. Could Jessica, the woman he had trusted with his heart and a binding non-disclosure agreement, really betray him like this?
“Gotcha!” she said, smiling.
Wow, he thought. Beautiful and funny.
My phone dinged with an update. The NASDAQ was up, and as a result, so was my dick. Rosa reached under the covers and grasped me with her hand.
“Looks like somebody’s stock is going long,” she cooed.
Out the window of Elon’s rocket, I could see Earth, a tiny blue dot below.
“Just think,” I said, pointing to the ocean. “There are so many natural resources we could mine down there.”
Rosa’s enormous boobs floated in zero gravity like two perfectly round pie charts showing the diversity of my investment portfolio. I was ready to show her how well I could execute market penetration.
“Carl,” she said. “I have a confession.”
Her boobs continued to bob around. “I’m not actually a hot young intern who is exclusively attracted to middle-aged men with thinning hair. I actually work for one of your competitors.”
“What are you saying, Rosa?”
“I’m saying… I seduced you to steal your company’s intellectual property. But it turns out that you’ve stolen… my heart.”
“Oh Rosa,” I said. “For my heart, too, you’ve got my buy-in.”
Tomorrow we would return to Earth and my legal team would rain down a hell storm of litigation on Rosa. But tonight? Tonight, we would complete the merger of our two bodies.
Getting through the corporate retreat had been rough. Women were constantly throwing themselves at him, but only ever for his looks. He ran a hand through his toupee and asked himself, could he really blame them, though? He sucked in his paunch and buckled his pants.
As he stepped out of the bathroom of his private jet, the flight attendant pushed him back in.
“Excuse me,” she said. “I was hoping you could autograph this.”
She rolled up her skirt and produced a copy of his motivational CD, Only Winners Ever Win, from the band of her g-string.
She pulled him close by his tie and whispered in his ear. “I’m 110% ready to hit the ground running, you know?”
He was impressed. “I see you’ve memorized one of my seven mantras for a successful attitude.”
“Baby,” she said, unhooking her bra, “I’m laser focused on getting these titties outside of the box.”
“So you can see,” I said to the board of directors, “We’re rock solid going into the fourth quarter.”
From under the table, Veronica, a dead ringer for Bettie Page and director of HR, whispered, “So are you.”
Trying to keep it together as she fiddled with the zipper on my Brooks Brothers trousers, I continued my presentation. “No reason to worry about profits going down.”
“Profits won’t. But I will,” she said.
I slammed my hands down on the table as Veronica began to move my needle.
After a tantalizing eight minutes, I finally finished… and not just my PowerPoint on strategic downsizing of the Omaha plant.
“That was quite the slideshow, Jim,” the Chairman of the Board said. “Nice enthusiasm. What do you think, men, should we give him some more stock options?”
There was a round of thunderous applause.
“Thank you,” I said, winking at Veronica. “I’d take that any day of the week.”
Unfortunately, a week later, I had to lay off Veronica due to budget cuts.
When I’m not writing funny stuff, I like reading weird fiction. Wanna stop laughing and instead have your spine tingle and question everything you know? Do yourself a favor and check out Mona Awad, Sequoia Nagamatsu, Shaun Hamill, Carmen Maria Machado, and Yoko Ogawa!