This Trojan Horse Is A Family, So Maybe Stop Having So Much Attitude About Being In the Butt Part

We want to do everything we can to ensure that charging headfirst into a bloodbath is a comfortable experience.

Dear esteemed member of the Trojan Horse family,

Thank you so much for joining us on this journey. We know that the last decade of fighting a brutal war against Troy has not been easy. We’ve lost soldiers, we’ve depleted morale, and someone stole all my bobby pins when I needed them the most. As we pile into a wooden horse to launch an attack as a last resort, we’re gearing up for one of our greatest challenges yet. But we’re a family here, and we want to do everything we can to ensure that charging headfirst into a bloodbath is a comfortable experience. Nevertheless, we unfortunately cannot accommodate your request to “not be in the butt part.”

While we empathize with the fact that being in the butt makes it hard for you to see the front and that you “have an MFA in acting” and that you “hate standing next to Alcimus” because he “looks itchy,” we cannot accommodate such a last-minute alteration. In any future attempts to brutally demolish a kingdom with us, please ensure that you discuss any issues well in advance with your Archon, file the necessary documentation with Nestor (got to keep him busy with something), provide an Oracle’s note, and address your grievances verbally, in writing, and through a sacrificial offering of your choice, as outlined in your contract. Also, Alcimus looks itchy because he has fleas. Besides, you’ve performed just fine stationed in the butt through our many training days, from standing in the horse, to sitting in the horse, to playing dead in the horse, to banging on the side of the horse to see if you guys could topple it over (not funny), to holding each other gently in the horse while whispering sweet nothings into the night to—nevermind. Being in the butt is a blessing!

While it may be hard for you to be stationed “up the dookie hole,” and it would be “easier for you” to be sandwiched in the middle area “so if something happens to the front or the back, other people will die first,” we encourage you to think of your team here in the Trojan Horse. We’re like a family. There’s Demoleus, who decorated the space with his beautiful ceramics. Rhoecus has been instrumental in entertaining us by showing us his really messed up double jointed elbow. There’s Teuthras, who packed a suitcase full of yo-yos (he’s the quirky one). Shy Podarces is letting us name all of his stab wounds. And who could forget Derek, who won’t stop crying. They’re depending on you as much as we are. Sure, you don’t know them well at all, but they are in the same predicament as you: doing a lot of work for not a lot of pay. Bond over that for as long as you need to, as long as you follow the house rules:  no unions (see contract).

We’d like to take a moment to address some of the other questions you raised regarding ways to make your time in the horse butt a bit better. No, you may not “conga line your way out of the hole.” You may not call the attack a “prolapse.” You may call the butt the “family room,” but please keep it to yourself. There will not be any clapping whatsoever. No, you cannot tell Derek that we’re using him as a human shield later. 

We get it! Plunging into bloody battle isn’t the most fun! But you didn’t come here for fun—you came here because you had availability from 10 to 6 during weekdays for the last 10 years – and because we’re offering you ten pebbles a day, which will probably be enough to barter in Troy once we’re done with that place. So, enough: if we’re going to win this war, you cannot complain about being in the butt part any longer. If you want to quit, you can absolutely do that. But if you do, just know that in this family, we punish quitting with a little time out, silly! That’s what we call it when we throw you to the sharks (outlined in contract).

We understand the situation isn’t ideal. We understand that there’s a lot of people crammed into the space, and if someone lights a cigarette in there, we’re screwed. But in the words of our great Odysseus, “Who cares about fire hazards?” We’re not going to be in the horse that long, and once we get to Troy, you can do whatever the Hades you want. 

Speaking of Odysseus, most of us are going to follow on the journey back, which shouldn’t take super long (he should have a map). Look, just stick with us for a little bit longer, and you’ll be back home in no time.



This post appears courtesy of our March 2021 publishing partnership with Flexx. Every month, Widget partners with an organisation to feature one post/week from their contributors, members, or so on. View the other posts from our partner’s contributors here. logo

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Rima Parikh
Rima Parikh

Rima Parikh is a comedian and writer.

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