Couch Speaks Out About Feeling Neglected

We used to be so good together. No judgments. Only acceptance... You ignored when I’d squeak, I ignored when you’d fart.

What happened to us? I remember when we used to spend entire nights together, the whole family, watching tv, cuddled up together. Where did that passion go? Nowadays I’m lucky if that happens a couple of nights a week!

I remember how you used to spend day and night on top of me. You’d sink into me and we’d be together. Sometimes you’d get up for a bathroom break or a lap around the kitchen, but you always came back to me. That was before your new home office and that desk chair. What does it have that I don’t? That skanky thing doesn’t look comfy at all. 

We used to be so good together. No judgments. Only acceptance. You didn’t mind when my cushions started to fray, I didn’t mind the crumbs you’d leave behind. You ignored when I’d squeak, I ignored when you’d fart. You never complained when my cushions got flat, I never complained when your belly got fat. I miss that.

At least the kids try to spend all day with me. My lovely little couch potatoes. Yet, you insist on dragging them away! They either need to go do homework or go outside or, if they’re talking back to you, go to their room. What did I do?! Even when they fall asleep on me (because they love me!), you take them up to their beds. Children don’t deserve that kind of confusion in the morning!

I have always been there for you. Who was there whenever “your feet were killing you?” Who was there when your friends and family needed a place to crash? Who was there for you all those times you were arguing at night and had to sleep downstairs?? What has that work chair done for you except give you back problems?!

Now you don’t even notice me. I’ve resorted to hiding the remote, knowing you’ll come looking for it eventually. 

But when you find it, you just sit on my ARMRESTS and watch TV for a few moments before walking away. As if we were strangers! 

Look, I know that I’m not the same firm and springy couch I used to be but I can still hold, and more importantly, support you. I got new pillow inserts. I thought you’d like how big and bouncy they were… but you didn’t even notice. Nowadays you’d rather take that loose office chair for a spin. 

You need change. I’ve got some under one of my cushions. You’d know that if you were willing to show some effort and look. But no, you left me for that mesh-backed, faux-leather floozy! Were you expecting me to wait for you? Well, I need to tell you something. You’re not going to like it but I’ve been sleeping with the dog. I don’t know how it started but you never pay attention to either of us anymore! Then, one thing led to another–… and I love how exciting and wrong it feels. It sheds all over me and the slobber is wild. Who knows? Maybe I needed change too.

Author’s Pick

Everything by Tina Fey. I also can’t believe I’ve had to recommend this but, Pixar’s Soul is a must-watch. Besides that, follow me on Twitter 🙂

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Vic Pinto
Vic Pinto

Vic Pinto is a humor writer and grad student in Miami, FL.
He’s studied writing at Second City and doesn’t own a TV. Is he a broke college student or Hipster?
That’s for you to decide.

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