“Reeling from a tumultuous election, deadly pandemic, and widespread unemployment, the once-proud nation of America finds not just its economy damaged but its spirit as well. Which is why the Sharks of ABC’s Shark Tank have invited creatures of myth and legend to breathe magic back into the heart of our country – through innovation.”
Medusa’s pitch: InMemory
(A woman wearing a paper bag over her head walks through the door)
Medusa: Hello, Sharks! My name is Medusa and I am CEO of InMemory.
Sharks: Hello/Good afternoon/Hi, Medusa
Mark Cuban: Before we begin, I do apologise for Robert and Daymond’s absence – they must be running late.
Lori Greiner: That’s not like them…
Mark Cuban: But I know you had a long journey so why don’t you go ahead and get started.
(Medusa clears her throat)
Medusa: Every single day in the earthly realm, a beloved pet is reported stolen. A theft that leaves young children companionless, relegates crazy cat ladies to plain old crazy ladies, and strips unwed adults—“fur mamas,” I believe they’re called in this realm—of their only personality trait. My company can ease the pain by eternally preserving the memory of that fur baby in pure solid stone. Our anatomically correct, life-size stone replicas are so accurate, it will make you think your precious animal was right next to you, frozen in time.
Mark Cuban: Okay, I definitely have questions. Do you own the quarry? How many stonemasons do you employ? And don’t I know you from somewhere?
Medusa: I do not own a quarry, but I have access to an almost endless supply of free material; I do all the stonework myself; and uh, I did some modelling work for Versace. My face is all over their stuff, you probably know me from there.
Lori Greiner: Love it, Girlboss! I want to know if services are limited to cat and dog owners.
Medusa: Oh, Hades no! We also do rats, ferrets, birds– really anything I can get a good look at.
Mark Cuban: Impressive.
Barbara Corcoran: Speaking of impressive, let’s talk about your numbers: Nearly a third of the pets reported stolen in the US have had their likeness carved into stone by InMemory. How do your clients find you?
Medusa: Oh, they don’t. I find them.
Barbara Corcoran: Ah, cold-calling, got it. Do any two statues look alike?
Medusa: No more than any two live animals would. InMemory truly captures the essence of your pet. Fearful expressions, terrified expressions, horrified expressions – we do it all!
Mark Cuban: How would the investment capital be utilized?
Medusa: Well, I need to invest in more stonework supplies. Like bolt cutters, large nets, salami slices, catnip, tranquillisers and other such stone worker tools that would be difficult to explain to someone who isn’t in the industry.
Barbara Corcoran: Ah, very well then. Let’s talk about growth. Where do you see InMemory five years from now?
Medusa: Well, I definitely want to branch out into human statues.
Lori Greiner: Very ambitious. Are you ready for that leap?
Medusa: Glad you asked!
(Medusa enthusiastically removes the tarp from the bulky figure beside her)
Mark Cuban: Wow, it looks just like Daymond!
Barbara Corcoran: And that one’s like Robert!
Lori Greiner: I know! Man, those two are missing out! Where the hell are they?
Medusa: Well, what do you say, Sharks! Do we have a deal?
Barbara Corcoran: It’s really great, you weren’t kidding about the detail. But I just don’t see a large market for statues with agonised expressions. For that reason, I will pass.
Lori Greiner: The longer I stare, the deeper I find myself in the uncanny valley. There’s really something unsettling about these statues.
Mark Cuban: Right, Medusa. Very cool, but we’re looking for an idea so great, it will single handedly save our middle class. I just don’t see lawn decorations doing that.
Medusa: Thank you for the opportunity, everyone. I’ll see you around.
Lori Greiner: I sincerely hope not!
(The Sharks and Medusa share a laugh)
Barbara Corcoran: Who’s our next saviour from lore?
Centaur’s pitch: LooksyHoops
(A Centaur gallops through the doors)
Mark Cuban: Welcome!
Lori Greiner: Why, good day.
Barbara Corcoran: Oh my. Good day indeed.
Centaur: Nay! A great day! I have travelled far and treacherous lands to bring forth before you a once in a lifetime investment opportunity.
Lori Greiner: I swear to God, if this is a tummy tea pyramid scheme I’ll have you made into glue.
Centaur: Of course not! That would be stupid! Now, forget everything you know about erection diversion technology. How often have you found yourself in a perfectly innocuous environment—say, a supermarket—only to find yourself stricken with an ill-timed, random erection. Shame courses through your body as your giant member knocks about into the shelves and boxed goods. No display is safe from the veiny appendage; satsumas cascade down the aisles between collapsing towers of baked beans. Happens all the time, right?
Mark Cuban: Yeaaaah, I totally relate to that scene you described. I was just telling Daymond the other day how much I hate when that happens with my super big penis that I definitely have. He would tell you if he was here. Ahhh, but he’s not. Dang.
Centaur: Fear not, those days are but distant memories – thanks to LooksyHoops! Sterling silver hoop earrings with attachable roadside flares for a trendy yet utilitarian look. When you unexpectedly find yourself experiencing an ‘episode,’ just light the flares. All eyes will be drawn to the hot orange flames and away from your hot pink penis.
Barbara Corcoran: Ingenious!
Centaur: Then, quickly retreat to a private area where your engorged member may deflate in peace, having successfully escaped without embarrassing yourself.
Lori Greiner: I would love a demonstration.
Barbara Corcoran: YES! I mean, please. And if you must arouse yourself in order to get into character, by all means. Please.
Centaur: But of course! Mark, if you would please try these on.
Barbara and Lori: groan
Mark Cuban: My pleasure.. As someone who is the target audience for this product—
Barbara and Lori: groan
Mark Cuban: I would be the logical choice.
(Centaur clips the LooksyHoops to Mark’s ears)
Lori Greiner: Who’s your flare supplier?
Centaur: We’ve partnered with the largest multinational technology conglomerate in the world.
(Centaur lights the LooksyHoops flares)
Lori Greiner: Amazon?
(Mark Cuban’s head explodes)
Lori Greiner: Mark was your best shot and your product left him with a bloody stump for a head.
Centaur: Ah, but you see: you’re so transfixed on that stump you haven’t noticed his death-erection.
Lori Greiner: Well, I’ll be damned.
Barbara Corcoran: Eh, what’s to notice. But technically, you’re right.
Centaur: What say you, remaining Sharks? Have we struck a deal?
Lori Greiner: I find it alarming that your products could potentially blow off the faces of our consumers. And this is a $5,000 Chanel suit that you splattered with Mark’s brains. For those reasons, I am out.
(Barbara finds Mark’s tooth in her hair)
Barbara Corcoran: I too am out.
Centaur: Fine! If you’d rather tuck it up then suit yourselves! Animals.
(Centaur trots out the door)
Barbara Corcoran: Let’s keep the ball rolling. I’d like to get out before Mark starts stinkin’.
Greg & Allison’s pitch: Rich Parents™
(Two figures shrouded in vape smoke walk through the door)
Lori Greiner: Holy shit, it can’t be.
Barbara Corcoran: Lori, the legends were true. They really do exist!
Allison: Hi, I’m Allison!
Greg: Hi, I’m Greg! And no, your eyes do not deceive you; we’re a millennial couple that paid off our student loans.
Allison: That’s right! We know the vast majority of American millennials aren’t able to say the same, so we started a company to save our generation and generations to come. Today, we present to you…
Allison and Greg: Rich Parents™!
Lori Greiner: How does it work?
Allison: To begin, we fly you first class to our oceanfront estate for brunch and wealth orientation.
Greg: All afternoon you’ll familiarise yourself with the basics like the correct fork to use at dinner, which tax havens have the best club scene, fun community service ideas if you’re charged with killing a pedestrian while driving drunk, that kind of stuff.
Allison: Once that concludes, you’ll be escorted to the gorgeous shoreline where you then walk into the sea and die.
Lori Greiner: Literally die?
Allison: Yes, but stay with me. Everyone knows if you want to be rich and successful like we are it takes a lot of sacrifices. In this case, your life.
Lori Greiner: Good point. Continue.
Greg: Once dead, we take ownership of all your assets and you’ll hopefully be reincarnated into a wealthy family with rich parents. And if not? Well, that’s the beauty of our business. You can keep coming back over and over until you are!
Lori Greiner: You think clients will return?
Greg: Is Evian wet? Poor people will pretty much kill themselves for the promise of wealth.
Allison: Poor people are suckers!
Barbara Corcoran: I don’t even need to hear your numbers. I’m on board!
Lori Greiner: As am I. You kids really earned your avocado toast tonight. Ha! Congratulations!
Allison: We won!?
Greg: Thank you, Jesus!
Jesus Pitch: Lunch?
(Jesus pushes a food cart through the doors)
Jesus: Helloooo, Shar— oop, heard my name, sorry.
(Jesus retreats back through the doors)