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Do Not Stop Reading This Chain Email or Something Bad Will Happen!!!

HEY! I said don’t stop reading!!!! Ok, phew. I just saw you glancing at the door like you had somewhere else to be.

HEY! I said don’t stop reading!!!! Ok, phew. I just saw you glancing at the door like you had somewhere else to be. Which would be weird because this takes priority, you know? 

That’s right, I saw you because I’m here!!!! Pretty scary right??? (Don’t look behind you to check, that would mean you would have to stop reading this email.)

My name is Matt and I’m an IT technician. 10 years ago I was cursed to teach people about the importance of reading their emails. All because I didn’t finish reading this chain email. 

A cool guy named Thaddeus that I was trying to get to know better saw this email and didn’t read until the end. He laughed and deleted it which was a total Thaddeus move in retrospect. I warned him that if he didn’t read the entire message, something awful would happen. Something so scary and frightening that once he opened the floodgates to this harrowing event, there was no going back. Alas, Thaddeus didn’t heed my dire warning. Soon he started running into me around town. Slowly we started to become acquaintances. Eventually he made the mistake of saying hi. 

Now whenever we see each other he isn’t sure whether to wave or stop and have a conversation. If he waves, he feels a little bad about it afterwards because I seem so lonely!! But if he stops and has a conversation with me, I make the most painfully boring small talk possible. I somehow manage to seem annoyed/disengaged, and yet I refuse to let the conversation have a natural conclusion. Absolute nightmare shit. Don’t test me, Thaddeus!!!

If you don’t forward this email to 20 of your closest friends and invite me to hang out you’ll run into me when you’re out running errands on and off FOREVER!!!! Mark my words!!!

NO SEND BACKS!!!!! I’ve gotten a lot of those and it kind of makes me feel like no one is taking me seriously.

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Do NOT stop reading or something horrendous will happen!!!! Please read this email to the very end OR ELSE!!!

A girl named Addison saw this message and ignored it. She was in study hall and thought chain emails weren’t a “productive use of her time” (amateur)!! After school, Addison’s boyfriend dumped her in the parking lot.

“I am breaking up with you!” said her boyfriend. “Also, magenta is not your colour!” Addison looked down at her magenta sweater. “But I thought I was pulling this off!” cried Addison. 

“No, not at all. Goodbye BADison!” Her ex-boyfriend walked away, laughing all the way home like a cartoon villain. Addison was hurt. Her name was not “BADison”. Why was he being such a dillhole? Could it be that she marked the chain message as spam? 

Addison’s parents were waiting for her when she got home. They were very angry. Addison had gotten a B- instead of an A on her homework because she stopped reading this message!!! Addison’s mom was so distraught by her daughter’s failure she went total sicko mode, got purple streaks in her hair, and started listening to Rage Against the Machine!! Addison’s dad was so upset he joined a stamp collecting club and made it his main hobby for several years!! Soon every inch of their house was dedicated to his stamp collection and it really put a strain on the family dynamic!!! 

(Though at least she still had a steady support system unlike some lonesome cursed IT technicians I could mention ADDISON!!)

If you do not forward this chain message with the title “A Very Terrifying Way to Break Up”, you will get dumped AND never be able to rock magenta ever again!!!! 14 people have broken this chain letter and don’t want to talk about it!!! 

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Addison and Thaddeus weren’t the only ones to ignore this chain email. Far from it! Do you know how many people actually read emails all the way through? Not enough. It makes me feel very alone and like others don’t respect me on a friendship level. I’m not bitter about it though, I just seek ELABORATE REVENGE!!!

A girl named Amber saw this email in 1995 but didn’t read it all the way through because her complimentary AOL CD ran out. But everyone had a ton of those laying around so that’s not really an excuse AMBER!!!

Later, Amber’s friends asked her if she knew all the words to the Spice Girls song, “Wannabe”. Amber did normally, but when they all started singing, Amber messed up the lyrics. “I’m so sorry!” wailed Amber. “This email I never finished reading to completion is weighing heavily on my pop music addled mind!”

Now that you have read this, you will meet Amber. Surprise, she’s moving in. Your roommate said it was ok. Amber’s 38 now and biffing those lyrics has completely ruined her life. She cannot move past it, despite an extensive amount of time and money spent in therapy. Her only coping strategy? Screeching the words to ‘Wannabe’ by your bedside every single night until you’re able to reassure her that she’s “spiced up your life”. 

Want an end to the screeching?? Forward this email to ten former 90s kids who maybe want to add me on Twitter so I have a better follower ratio. If you do that I will kindly ask her to take it down a notch. See? I’m not the bad guy here.

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WARNING: KEEP READING! 

Hey. You did it! You made it to the end of the email! Was that so hard? One last thing: can you forward this to 50 people?  And put ‘A Very Cool IT Guy Named Matt Sent Me This Email, We Should Hang With Him’ in the subject line?

OR ELSE!!!


Author’s Pick

Shameless plug, but check out Last Refuge pod! They’re a sci fi/pop culture podcast that is super fun and I’m a guest on the upcoming Space Western and Space Marine themed episodes: https://lastrefugepod.com/episodes

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Scarlet Meyer
Scarlet Meyer

Scarlet Meyer is a NYC based writer, comedian, and cursed chain email apologist. She's contributed to Reductress, McSweeney's, and Points and Case and is a former Managing Editor at The Belladonna Comedy. Follow her on Twitter to catch every stray thought running through her head.

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