Career Counseling for the COVID-19 Unemployed

1) Coast on inherited wealth. 2) If you don’t have inherited wealth, consider becoming your handsome brother, who still has a job...
  1. Coast on inherited wealth.
  2. If you don’t have inherited wealth, consider becoming your handsome brother, who still has a job.
  3. Do not file for unemployment; unemployment insurance is a form of normalizing the pandemic, and this is not normal. 
  4. Consider joining one of the many growing job sectors, such as sourdough bread maker for fighting couples; strike organizer for professional athletes; epidemiologist’s publicist; president of the USA; a job that helps people and makes a lot of money quick; or antifa corporate consultant.
  5. Don’t worry about pandemic health procedures; the bad of unemployment cancels out the bad of the virus, so you’re actually immune to COVID-19 now.
  6. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Become a super spreader. At least the virus recognizes your potential.
  7. I’m not suggesting anything, but people say you’d look just like your brother if you grew a beard, and he keeps his Social Security card in his sock drawer.
  8. What about listening to your friends? That’s emotional labor. And all labor pays. There you go.
  9. Do things to make unemployment more socially acceptable. Move in with your retired parents so people think you’re still in high school or didn’t just finish your MFA in stained glass. 
  10. These are not normal times. When updating your resume, choose a resume font that reflects that. Have you considered gothic, papyrus, webdings, or even gothic bold?
  11. I recommend that you become a hedge fund manager, and do it unpaid. Companies want to see initiative and passion.
  12. Call the cops on your sadness. 
  13. Have you considered investing your unemployment checks in cryptocurrencies, Kryptonite™ bike locks, Mattel-brand Kryptonite Slime™, or the periodic element krypton? Cryptofascism is also on the rise, if that’s your thing.
  14. Have you considered overthrowing the government? Look more into that.
  15. Have you considered getting a really high-fee credit card? Because at this rate, tomorrow will bring another disaster that will finally destroy the global credit system.
  16. Hand sanitizer. Have you considered becoming hand sanitizer?
  17. Have you considered voting for a politician who won’t help you materially but seems nice?
  18. Remember, your brother is deathly allergic to stone fruits.
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David Bradley Isenberg
David Bradley Isenberg

David Bradley Isenberg is a writer living in New York City.

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