- Coast on inherited wealth.
- If you don’t have inherited wealth, consider becoming your handsome brother, who still has a job.
- Do not file for unemployment; unemployment insurance is a form of normalizing the pandemic, and this is not normal.
- Consider joining one of the many growing job sectors, such as sourdough bread maker for fighting couples; strike organizer for professional athletes; epidemiologist’s publicist; president of the USA; a job that helps people and makes a lot of money quick; or antifa corporate consultant.
- Don’t worry about pandemic health procedures; the bad of unemployment cancels out the bad of the virus, so you’re actually immune to COVID-19 now.
- If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Become a super spreader. At least the virus recognizes your potential.
- I’m not suggesting anything, but people say you’d look just like your brother if you grew a beard, and he keeps his Social Security card in his sock drawer.
- What about listening to your friends? That’s emotional labor. And all labor pays. There you go.
- Do things to make unemployment more socially acceptable. Move in with your retired parents so people think you’re still in high school or didn’t just finish your MFA in stained glass.
- These are not normal times. When updating your resume, choose a resume font that reflects that. Have you considered gothic, papyrus, webdings, or even gothic bold?
- I recommend that you become a hedge fund manager, and do it unpaid. Companies want to see initiative and passion.
- Call the cops on your sadness.
- Have you considered investing your unemployment checks in cryptocurrencies, Kryptonite™ bike locks, Mattel-brand Kryptonite Slime™, or the periodic element krypton? Cryptofascism is also on the rise, if that’s your thing.
- Have you considered overthrowing the government? Look more into that.
- Have you considered getting a really high-fee credit card? Because at this rate, tomorrow will bring another disaster that will finally destroy the global credit system.
- Hand sanitizer. Have you considered becoming hand sanitizer?
- Have you considered voting for a politician who won’t help you materially but seems nice?
- Remember, your brother is deathly allergic to stone fruits.
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