Register for your 100% free subscription. Full details.
Looking for a new job can sometimes be a difficult, painful process. Aww, quit yer whinin’. Work It has prepared a fool-proof guide, tested on over 100 fools.Work It: Quarterly Report, Issue 01
This is step 1
- Please make sure your résumé is up to date. Get it all in there, buddy, from your earliest achievements (“birth”), up to whatever you’re doing right now (“reading the Work It thing, available from widgetmag.com – get yours today!”).
- In order to truly set yourself apart, consider adding future positions, be it Robo-Farmer, Time Janitor or Cyber Chef.
- It is important to make sure all your personal information is correct. No matter how impressive it may be, do not list your address as Buckingham Palace. You live in Stouffville.
- It is important to account for any major gaps in your work history. That said, if your résumé contains phrases like “2015-18, watching porno,” consider revising.
- Any good résumé should include a number of Work It’s official Power-Words. Use at least 5 of the following to get every job: gigaton; Ultraman; big muscles; extravagant; gaseous; oomph!; hefty; gyratory crusher; squash; and rhino-cock.
This is the step after 1 – 2, if you will
- With your résumé done, the next step is the want ads. Online job boards are a great resource for finding open positions. If you are seeing job titles like “Lo mein with beef” and “Spring rolls, 2 per order,” you are looking at a menu of Chinese food and not a job board
- It’s always a good idea to check the salary range. One useful tip is, if the number is higher, you’ll get paid more.
- Maybe your friend works somewhere great. Call up their office, say all the bad words you know, and blame your friend by name. After they’re fired, apply for their job.
- Make sure to check for remote jobs too. Today’s technology makes working from home easy. The best part is, there’s no dress code, although those undies could use a wash, don’t you think?
I forget which step this is
- Every job application should come with a cover letter. Not sure what to write? Turn to some of the great letter writers from history for inspiration. Take Cicero: Sic moneo ut filium, sic suadeo ut mihi. Makes you think.
- Try to address your cover letter to an individual. It is not best practice to begin, “To whom it may concern,” or “Listen up, ding-dong.”
- Most job applications are done by email these days. Some by fax machine and some by snail mail. But no applications should involve standing nude by a mirror doing jumping jacks. That’s not a job application. I’m not sure what that is.
Must be step 4 (unless out-of-order??)
- Interviews are easy, you’ve seen a million of them on The Tonight Show: Tell a funny story about some airline food and make sure to plug your new movie. Jimmy will probably ask you to play air guitar with Snoop Dogg or some godawful thing like that.
- It’s a good idea to bring questions for your interviewer. This will show interest. If you haven’t prepared your own questions, just use one of theirs: “Why do you want to work here?” Now the tables have turned.
- Here’s a helpful tip: during your interview, do not to confess to anything before speaking with your lawyer.
- Look on YouTube. There’s a million interviews where some ugly little toad-man or other “DESTROYS feminism.” Try that.
Step 5. No more steps. Succeed or die.
- If you’ve followed our tips so far, pretty soon you’ll have an offer. When salary comes up, tell them you only want to start at one penny. But on the second day, you want two pennies; four on the third, eight on the fourth, and so on. “Pennies,” they’ll say. “Are you absolutely sure?” Trust me: say yes. You’ll thank me in a month.
- It’s good manners to give two weeks notice. Might we suggest Honeysuckle Weeks from Foyle’s War and Kevin Weekes from Hockey Night in Canada? As far as your job goes, just stop showing up.
- If you’re in a position, play several offers off each-other for maximum gain: one job offers free lunch, get the other to offer free lunch too; and when you go for lunch, the kid asks “do you want fries with that” – make sure both jobs come with fries!
- Many movie stars are “offer only.” They won’t audition. Email all hiring committees that you’re offer only too. “Woah, who’s the big shot?! Is this our next cashier or Sandy freakin’ Bullock?!”
- Congratulations! Once you have accepted the offer and start your new job, you’re free to just fart around on Facebook all day. What’s Becky from high school up to? Well friend, you’ve got all day to find out. (Got fat.)