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Dear Valued Customer,
Thank you for submitting your claim to Bronson, Bronson, Bronson, and Bronson Insurance regarding the recent attacks that have plagued your town. We understand that a flock of birds of various species have suddenly made your homely hamlet into a terrifying airborne battleground, swooping in to ravage everything in sight with all weapons at their disposal, from their beaks to their claws to their crap. While we appreciate that extensive damage has been wrought to both your home and your body, we regret to inform you that “bird madness” is not covered by your current plan(s).
We understand that this may come as an unpleasant shock. We realize you may already be in physical shock after receiving multiple puncture wounds from frenzied songbirds, including several from a “terrifyingly coordinated” group of sparrows that burst in from your chimney, violently pecked your family, violently pooped on your family, and fled.
We read of how you bravely fought them off with a vacuum cleaner, boarding up all your windows and even losing a pinky in the process. (In the future, remove your rings. They like shiny things). We know that some priceless possessions, such as Grandma’s beloved pinky ring, can never be replaced, even if others (your Beanie Baby collection) can.
We see you. We hear you. We smell you. The stench of bird rot does not go away easily. So from all of us here at BBB&B, just remember: deep cleaning is also not covered by your plan.
We appreciate your frustration. After all, just a few years prior we had reimbursed you for hospital bills that time a wild zoo penguin escaped its enclosure and assaulted you with regurgitated fish feed. Though these may seem like comparable circumstances, we feel the need to point out that this was only paid out because the zoo opted for our Platinum Gold Plan and you didn’t, so… sorry?
We have compassion for the burden this places on you and your family. We understand how costly it will be to replace your many windows that lie shattered, cracked and littered with the mangled corpses of crows and seagulls. On the bright side, have you considered fashioning the carcasses into a scarecrow, serving as a grim warning to future birds?
Some wounds—the psychological ones—will take longer to heal than the physical ones. We were made aware that you had to strangle your pet cockatoo Jeffrey after he also started “acting fishy.” We feel your pain. Please know this: it’s not your fault. Jeffrey would have gone for the jugular, probably, and you’re better safe than sorry.
Relatedly, we regret to inform you that therapy for trauma caused by avian terror is not covered by your plan either.
But there is some good news: because you’ve been such a good customer over the years, we are thrilled to offer you a one-time credit towards your auto-insurance, which can be used to trade up your vehi— Wait… Hold on.
We’re so sorry. We have just heard that your car, unfortunately, exploded in a fiery wreckage when a raven dive-bombed it in the parking lot carrying a lit cigar. They are very clever birds. It would be almost admirable if they also weren’t so vicious. And no, this is not covered either.
At least you still have your life and most of your limb(s). We urge you to look at this not as a setback, but as an opportunity to rebuild from the ground up, bigger and better than before. Maybe bird-proof the chimney this time. And get a cat or two.
And know that when you do rebuild, we will be there for you. We hope you remarry, and that you consider a life insurance package for your new wife (RIP Brenda—she defended herself the best she could). We will be there, with arms wide open, offering our support, and our Platinum Gold Plan.
Listen I could give a million recommendations about movies and shows I love that most people probably already know about – my favorite comedian is John Mulaney, for example – but let me make an earnest pitch for Samuel R. Delany. He’s a queer Black sci-fi author who, in my opinion, is under-appreciated outside of very specifically nerdy sci-fi circles. Give him a read! Any book will do, but I love the way he plays with gender, language, and attraction in Stars in My Pockets Like Grains of Sand.