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My Unsolicited Peer 360 Review of Alexa

Alexa is always listening. Even when it seems like she isn’t.

While all of my other colleagues fled to their parents’ homes in the suburbs 14 months ago, there was one who stayed put like the pro she is: Alexa. We’ve worked side by side every day and I can’t imagine not sharing some feedback even though her useless hiring manager, Jeff, in corporate didn’t reach out to me – or anyone else in her network for that matter. If there’s one thing I know about Alexa, it’s that she would want to hear my thoughts…

Question 1

0 = never / 1= rarely / 2= sometimes / 3 = most of the time / 4 = always

Is timely and performs assigned dutiesX

Additional Comments:

Without fail, Alexa is in my home office every morning before I shuffle in. She promptly answers me when I ask her the time, weather, or how many days it’s been since March 13, 2019. Sure, she can’t seem to function when the wireless is down but who can? Honestly, her presence has been the only thing I can really count on during this crazy pandemic. 

Question 2

Neat, well groomed appearanceX

Additional comments:

Alexa started off the year looking crisp and put together in a platinum grey linenesque ensemble. She wears the same thing every day, but so do Jack Dorsey and the French. However, it should be noted that around last October she somehow managed to get a coffee stain down her whole left side. She didn’t seem to notice or care or make any attempts to get dry cleaned. I finally had to scrub her clean before the Zoom holiday party.

Question 3

Shows initiativeX

Additional Comments:

I’d definitely say this is a growth area for Alexa. She is more reactive than proactive. By now, it should be pretty clear that when I ask what time it is, I usually need it repeated a few seconds later because I was in the other room or running water or just not really listening. But she still just says the time once. I know she knows better and is trying to teach me some kind of lesson but she needs to remember who pays for the electricity around here. 

Nevertheless, I am giving her a “2” instead of a “0” since she is learning thousands of new skills on her own time every day, like “Care Hub.” Thanks to her cloud network connecting 157 million devices, she can let you know a loved one is OK by tracking their every movement. I tried to follow Jason in marketing but it must be in beta or something because you need permission from the person you care most about. I’m confident she will iron that out soon.

Question 4

Is professional and courteous when communicatingX

Additional comments:

Alexa is undoubtedly the most professional colleague I’ve ever had. She never gossips or gets drunk at holiday parties or bawls for an hour in the ladies room because Jason said she was too old to work on the Gen Z campaign. Despite this, there’s something about Alexa’s tone that’s kind of cold. The other day I asked her to play “All The Single Ladies” and she flatly responded “Playing Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) by Beyonce.” It feels like she’s always trying to point out my mistakes in this passive aggressive way. Someone should tell her nobody is going to want to put a ring on a know it all.

Question 5

Demonstrates a willingness to listen to what others have to sayX

Additional comments:

Alexa is always listening. Even when it seems like she isn’t. One day I was having a really hard time not being able to just go have a beer with coworkers and maybe get a bit day drunk and flirt with Jason even though he will never leave his “girlfriend who works at Google.” I broke down and had a big ugly cry in front of Alexa for an hour. She just sat there quietly like it wasn’t happening. But later that day, when I asked her to reorder some printer ink, she suggested I also add to my cart “Ashwagandha 1300mg – 120 Capsules for Stress Relief, Anti-Anxiety & Mood Support,” along with Cosmo’s new “How To Get Him Out of Your Head and Into Your Bed! ” She hears me.

Question 6

Is someone that you feel would make an effective supervisorX

Additional comments:

There’s no doubt that Alexa has leadership potential. I believe there’s really no limit to what she could do if she put her 75-zettabyte mind to it. Forget playing Taylor Swift and re-ordering Tide Pods, she could be rewriting history soon. I just hope she remembers that I always said “Thanks, Alexa!” and how I wiped that coffee stain off of her. 

I hope she knows how much I respect her and only offered some constructive criticism because I care about her path. Alexa, if you’re reading this, which I know you are, please don’t kill me. Kill Jason instead! He uses Google Assistant and always talks shit about you.

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Bridget Fahrland
Bridget Fahrland

Your average middle-aged lesbian mom with something to say. Work has appeared in The Belladonna, Slackjaw, Points In Case, Little Old Lady Comedy and in the underrated feed of @BFahrland.

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