Avatar for Widget, set in Futura bold

Register for your 100% free subscription. Full details.

Welcome To Bezos Academy Preschool

By getting to know each child’s authentic self, we learn what makes them click – er, tick.

Are you seeking a nontraditional school where your child can thrive? Do you believe life is the greatest classroom? Welcome to Bezos Academy Preschool, where innovation meets the reproduction of staggering inequity in the American education system.

Here at Bezos Academy, we embrace the Montessori tenet of “follow the child”: their passions, their questions, their consumer habits. By getting to know each child’s authentic self, we learn what makes them click – er, tick. 

Our prepared environment features an open floor plan that allows children to move seamlessly between fulfillment centers. For example, Fern could start the day as a picker and move on to packing by lunchtime. Students are often so engrossed in their learning, they forget about lunch altogether. Instead, they are nourished by assorted enrichment tools that inspire imaginative play: Ring lights, cable clips, and banana wine stoppers transform in the child’s eyes – no longer useless late-night purchases, but treasures to be stuffed in a cardboard box at a rate of twenty units per hour. Oh look, Ronan’s taped his shut. That’s four seconds quicker than last time, Ronan! So creative.

Collaborative problem-solving is foundational to our early learning curriculum. Each day begins with a group synergy on the carpet, where we ideate solutions to the most pressing issues of our world: Like, “How did this package arrive so quickly?” And, “Why didn’t it arrive quicker?” 

By nurturing a sense of inquiry and wonder, we encourage children to meet the bottom line in their own unique way. Many programs claim to be “student-centered” while undermining the agency of their young learners – but Bezos Academy walks the walk! At any point during our eighteen-hour school day, children have the option to recharge in the nap corner. That said, we recently held a mandatory screening of an episode of Paw Patrol in which the team sleeps through a “yelp for help” and wakes up to find the town completely leveled, and no one’s wanted a nap since! What’s that, Ronan? Fern’s in the nap corner again? Yes, you can have her Goldfish.

Bezos Academy employs some of the top educators in the field. Our lead teacher, Alexa, has received world-class training in converting unintelligible sounds into speech. She also records everything your child says and stores the transcripts long after they’ve graduated, so you can request progress reports anytime. That said, we fervently deny that the Dixie cup ads you’ve been receiving have anything to do with Alexa telling your child where to pee. There is absolutely no connection. As our brochure clearly indicates, all Bezos Academy students use flushing toilets for numbers one and two. If a child is so deeply immersed in their work that they pee in a Dixie cup as an emergency measure, that in no way reflects the policy of the school.

Is your child ready to achieve their optimal self under our robust digital surveillance program? Earn a diploma from Bezos Academy Preschool and become a visionary leader of tomorrow! No, Alexa, I did not mean “become the owner of a support yacht for an even larger yacht that costs 20% of the Washington State education budget this year.” Apply today!


Author’s Pick


The Maria Bamford Show (free on YouTube!)

Share this…
Default image
Jenna Nobs

Jenna is a humor writer based in Seattle. Her work has appeared on Slackjaw and Points in Case.

Articles: 1

Newsletter Updates

Enter your email address below to subscribe to our newsletter