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Best (And Worst) Rooms In Your House To Convert Your Mother To Socialism

Here are all the tips and tricks I’ve learned in the past year to turn your Cuomosexual mother into a vulgar Marxist with 300k followers on twitter.

The pandemic has forced many young DSA members back into their childhood homes; blue wave wine moms opened their doors to their young leftist children only to harass them with “common sense capitalism.” Like girl, are you Dianne Feinstein? Because you just went harder on a group of youth climate activists than you did on Lindsey Graham at the Amy Coney Barrett hearings.

Between bingeing 324 Criminal Minds episodes and those three footstools you just “had to paint sea foam green,” it has certainly been a year of do-it-yourself projects. So why not take on the ultimate quarantine DIY and turn your mother into a socialist!

Now I get it, turning Mom into a pundit of leftist theory and praxis may seem intimidating, but I promise it’s a totally doable DIY! And I’m here with all the tips and tricks I’ve learned in the past year to turn your Cuomosexual mother into a vulgar Marxist with 300k followers on twitter. Here is a how-to guide, complete with a breakdown of the best and worst rooms in your house to do it. 


The Kitchen

Hands down, the best room to radicalize Mom. Whip out the cheeseboard, grab your copy of the Manifesto, and talk about eating the rich while eating the blueberry goat cheese from Trader Joe’s. Better yet, show her socialism in action: invite your vaccinated friends over and throw a potluck. Mom may not be entirely behind universal healthcare, but Comrade Barb across the street might just get her onboard with universal baked ziti. In the eternal words of Karl Marx: that shit slaps!

The Den

Surprisingly, one of the worst options. You’d think it would be great, but with CNN and MSNBC on from 5 pm to midnight, you will seldom get a word in without Anderson Cooper calling working class people ‘Olive Garden-eating yokels’ (to paraphrase) or Chris Cuomo asking AOC what the FUCK she was doing standing in solidarity with a labor strike in her district instead of going to the zero-attendance inauguration. You will have a tough time outlining the labor theory of value when Mom turns to you and says “ya know, she really should have been there.”

Your Childhood Bedroom

The dark horse. Mom will be overwhelmed by the adult you have become as you elegantly navigate the teachings of Mao while clutching your beloved stuffed animal “Spot” in a room with airplane wallpaper and a limited edition Care Bear collection on the shelf.

NOTE: Make sure your room is clean or be prepared to hear Mom on the phone ranting to Aunt Linda, “He’s 27 years old, his room is a mess, and he’s a socialist!”

Her Bedroom

Ugh god, the absolute worst. You will most likely find her here late at night simping for that “dreamy” Jake Tapper as he simps for Kyrsten Sinema’s dreamy hatred of the poor. This is her room, her turf, her space. Collective ownership does not exist here. And with Pete Buttigieg’s autobiography Shortest Way Home on her nightstand, you won’t stand a chance. 

Bathroom

Hear me out. Can you have a productive conversation about seizing the means of production while either of you is on the toilet? No. Can you “accidentally” leave out a copy of Das Kapital in the morning after encouraging Mom to enjoy a third cup of coffee? Absolutely. 

Home Gym 

Girl, your mom has a home gym? There is no hope, she will never be a socialist. At this point, my advice is throw in the towel, get out your forks and eat the rich. “What does eating the rich look like,” she may ask? Well Mom, it depends. Would you prefer to be grilled, braised or deep-fried?


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Richard Spitaletta
Richard Spitaletta

Richard is a writer/comedian based out of New York City. His comedy short "What You Do Best" was recently a finalist at the Austin Short Film Comedy Festival. He has studied sketch and improv at UCB, and was also applauded for taking emotional risks while rolling around on the floor in his college production of "Spring Awakening." Follow him on twitter @imsotiredrnlol

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