Welcome to Bearth!

Hey y’all! It’s your girl, Hoodo! To celebrate Black History Month, Jeff Bezos gave me some funding to create a new planet: Bearth! 

Basically, it’s Earth. But, like, if humans didn’t destroy it. I’m keeping the best parts. Green was always the deal. We like to have women in charge. They kinda do a better job at… everything.

Here’s the other changes I’ve made on Bearth.

Arts and Culture

We don’t have a lot of  museums because people are busy enjoying the actual land, and the ones that do exist have 100% biodegradable art. Something that is really important to point out, the collection currently features no paintings of indigenous villages by settler artists – sorry, Emily Carr! 

As for music, no one sings about violence or murder because those things don’t exist. Oh, and we don’t have any music by Maroon 5. No one needs that.

There are no zoos or aquariums here. You want to see animals? Just go outside. They’re right there because the colonisers didn’t kill them all. You will see flocks of dodos, herds of woolly mammoths. Just watch out for the saber-toothed tigers! Nobody is trying to get pandas to mate in captivity because there is no such thing as captivity. And the pandas are super good at mating here.

Nightlife

On Bearth, you’ll be able to do cool things like stargazing, going on moonlit walks, connecting with other people while sitting in front of a bonfire. There isn’t much going on indoors because we’re all about conservation. So, no nightclubs. But as a tradeoff, no Silicon Valley tech bros hitting on you at nightclubs either. Also, Bud Lights are outlawed on Bearth. 

So once again, enjoy nature. Maybe take some shrooms. No cocaine or heroin. If you want that poison, stick to Earth. Good news, though, is that everything on this planet is so chill that you don’t even need toxic distractions like that.

Food and Drink

The food here is amazing and natural. Just like the artwork, it’s also prepared by the members of the actual cultural group that created it. So yeah, no young white hipsters making things like “sushi burritos”. 

Everything is farm-to-table (no industrialized farming so no real need for the deliciously addictive corn syrup Earthlings love). There is no bottled water. You want water, drink it out of the stream, it’s actually clean, no giardiasis here. 

Also, you gotta get used to smaller portions because on this planet, people stop eating when they’re full. Now, meat is eaten but is restricted to “Meat Mondays” and the only exception if you want to have more is, you gotta catch it yourself. But be careful – the meat might catch you! After my macho ex-boyfriend got trampled by a pack of wild cows, I’m sticking to lentils and beans.

Sight-seeing

On Bearth, you’ll get to see the environment in its original packaging. The only Amazon that exists is the forest. The Great Barrier Reef – we have one! The whole thing exists and it’s pretty great. You can also see icebergs that have never been touched by definitely-sinkable ships. 

Most importantly, you will be able to enjoy Bearth without seeing any hordes of tourists, as we limit the amount of people let in. We have also done everybody a favour by banning selfie sticks. You’re welcome. 

Still looking for excitement? So the herds of woolly mammoths and the ethical museums aren’t enough? No, we don’t do snorkeling here.

Author’s Pick