I Have An Important News Story For You But It Is At The Bottom Of This Page And Your Eyes Look So Tired…

I have a most pertinent news story that you must read. Oh, but the news is at the bottom of this article and your eyes look so very tired…

Ah, my dear friend! I’m glad I caught you. I have a most pertinent news story that you must read. I believe its contents to be absolutely essential and of the utmost importance. Oh, but the news is at the bottom of this article and your eyes look so very tired. Perhaps another time, you have been scrolling for so long already… 

True, this story is a gamechanger but –. Ah, fine, if you insist! Come then, let us proceed. 

Oh, never you mind about subscriptions or signing in through Facebook. Consider this a gift, a free article for a friend. Why, it would be my pleasure. What’s this? My devilish smile? Why, I am simply pleased to see you amidst the current madness. Oh, look how you rub your eyes and clench your jaw. The developments I speak of are particularly dire and involve a certain politician of interest but come. We will go back – 

True, true. I suppose it is better to find out from a reliable source, is it not? Let’s continue onward then. 

It’s much further down. But while we’re here, observe the advertisement banners that line the walls of this page. What? You can’t see them? Ah, how curious. I wonder how that can be when they’re there clear as day, coquettishly beckoning you to find out why dermatologists abhor this woman’s virtuoso spirit. Is there something blocking your vision? Perhaps we should turn back. You do look oh so tired. And although this information concerns public health and legislation that will influence your life, we can just save it for another time. Please, it is no matter. Besides, I’m sure someone on Twitter will make a thread – 

True. People on Twitter can say anything. 

Proceed, my good reader. Therein lies the news you seek. Just beyond the paragraph break.


Ha! ha! ha! 

Oh, don’t mind me. Make yourself comfortable as I busy myself sealing you within this article for all eternity. It’s far too late to tab out now, for I’ve fettered you to this page using these very words as your shackles. 

Joke? I assure you this is no jest. For too long I suffered your myriad insults and injuries. I bore them bravely, but it goes against my nature to leave such wrongs unpunished. How greedily you lapped up the free articles I so generously offered you, time and time again. And how brazenly you plundered these archives incognito as if I wouldn’t recognize you in that fool’s hat and glasses. Are you surprised I knew? Ha! Erasing your cookies did nothing to erase the foul stench of your thieving presence. Clear your cache you may, but the malice in my heart will not be erased so easily. 

Yes, yes, I understand perfectly! And I am simply granting your wish. You sought to know what was behind my humble paywall, and it is behind this paywall you shall remain until the end of your days. What’s that, you say? You simply wanted access to reliable reporting on crucial, urgent matters? A news source that doesn’t tote conspiracy theories and brazen disinformation? Well, frankly, that’s none of my concern. I’ve a business to keep and a hedge fund to please. But fret not, friend. You will be safe and undisturbed beyond this paywall with no more cloying need to stay informed about national happenings. In pace requiescat!

Author’s Pick

Mr. Boop (comic), Moonstruck (film), Urgent Care (podcast), Why Won’t You Date Me (podcast), and Mascot Engulfed Vine (video) have all brought me joy recently.

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Aaron Weerasinghe
Aaron Weerasinghe

Aaron Weerasinghe writes jokes and makes comics. You might see him using the moniker Gregor because [REDACTED].

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