The Man With the Flower Growing Out of his Butt in the Bosch Painting...

It’s bittersweet to tell you that I’ve accepted another offer and am leaving my position. My new company in Ohio wants me to move immediately, but out of respect for what a great manager you’ve been, and also the first flying horse fish I’ve ever worked under, I can definitely give you 2 weeks, if you need it. But if you guys think you can transition me out sooner, I’m happy to hand over my laptop, work phone, and all the company-issued butt flowers currently inserted inside and growing out of me.

It’s time for me to move on. I’m taking a position in accounting at a local insurance firm in the Dayton area. I think in the end, I wasn’t a perfect fit for your company culture. And if I’m being completely truthful, I’m getting a little long in the tooth to do much of anything in the Things in the Butt Department. Even the position where you just put a pearl in your butt and be carried around in a huge clamshell all day. Although there was a time in my life when that would have been the perfect career choice for me.

I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you some things that influenced my decision to leave, in case there is room for change. To help future employees.

I enjoyed my tenure here under you – under you both as your direct report and under you as you literally flew over me in the sky with Carl from IT on your back.

I’d be remiss not to voice my issues before I pull the flowers out of my butt, wipe up the lubricant, put a towel over my car seat and drive home for the last time.

Recruiting said that this was a diverse workplace. And I guess, sorta. Few workplaces have a human-sized fish on staff or a guy with an olive for a head. But there are only like three people of colour and two of them work in the Apples on the Head Department. So, I think you see what I’m saying.

I know open offices are a new thing, but I really found it really distracting. I could hear everyone’s phone calls and the moans of the people copulating in the bubbles. On breaks, some of the huge owls try to come and shade themselves under my butt flowers and I’m always like “Hey Guys, I’m trying to focus on work. I’d like to leave by 5 and try to miss the traffic.”

Also, despite what I was told, there was little flexibility in workplace dress code. We couldn’t wear sneakers or golf shirts even on Friday when no clients visit. Everyday we have to be completely naked with no shoes. And after a week of being on my feet all day, bending over, growing flowers out my butt, I’d really like to have one day where I can wear my New Balances.

I think workplace morale would be better if the dress code wasn’t so stiff. Just so you know, even the human-sized robins in the legal department agree with me on this subject. Brenda, specifically, would like to wear some bird capris once in a while.

I know these grievances may seem small, especially compared to issues in the other locations. My friend Chad quit at our other branch, after being eaten by an anthropomorphic bird that sat on a potty chair and defecated into a bottomless pit. Chad described it as hell.

I want to be clear, working here hasn’t been hell. I’m grateful for the opportunity you gave me and all that I’ve learned here. I’ll apply a lot of my learnings to my new job, probably not the butt things, but I will definitely apply my proficiency in Microsoft Excel.

Julia reads this piece in Work It ep. 33: The Work It Hallowe’en Party, which you can also hear on our YouTube channel.