Networking Pick-up Lines (Expanded)

This piece appears in Work It: Quarterly Report, issue 1 and is based on a scene in Work It’s episode on office romance.

Some people say you shouldn’t hit on coworkers. On they other hand, you’re a dirty ole horn-dog. I guess you’ve got no choice but to ‘dip your pen in the company ink,’ as they say. ‘Dunk your Slim Jim in the company dipping sauce,’ as they don’t. Work It explores the ins-and-outs, ins-and-outs, ins-and-outs of office sweet-talk.

Work It: Quarterly Report, Issue 01

Every year (or every year so far, at least) Valentine’s Day rolls around, and normal people the world over celebrate their healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships.  

What dullards! 

Here at Work It, we recognise that there is no relationship more satisfying than a business contact. Career advancement is our love language!

That’s right, folks. You see, we at Work It are not creatures of the ‘Hallmark holidays.’ We will never follow the directions of any of the major greeting card companies. We would sooner die on our deathbeds than ‘get well soon.’ And if we should so happen to have a ‘happy 50th birthday, you old fart,’ it will be because we choose to – not ’cause a dumb piece of tacky cardboard crap says to.

Although, we do like this one that plays “Bad to the Bone” and it has a dog on it dressed like George Thorogood and he dances around. That one’s pretty good.

But as for the rest, you can keep them. We are not ‘sheeple,’ or in other words ‘people who behave like sheep.’ (By doing following, that is.) Work It is the vanguard of work-related satire, analysis and commentary. We long ago acquired a perfect understanding of the 21^st century workplace, and moreover, Work It can already predict literally every detail of the 22^nd century workplace, with 97% accuracy. Go ahead, test us. You will lose.

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Maybe we got off track there. What were we talking about? Oh right, networking pickup lines. Lessee…

Of course we understand that, in the current climate, you may be hesitant to make romantic advances on your colleagues. Men in particular have abused their positions while sexually exploiting or harrassing female colleagues and subordinates.

Work It recommends rounding up all powerful men and blowing their dicks off with a tactical nuclear strike. Better safe than sorry.

But powerful women have also been guilty of inappropriate behaviour. As Baron Acton famously said, “Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely – be they dude or chick.”

To be safe, all powerful women should be tossed in a volcano.

In fact, networking pickup lines must only be used on the condition that all bosses have been exploded, incinerated, or deported via big rocket into deepest nebulas. It’s the only way to be sure.

Once that prerequisite has been met and the world has been rendered gloriously de-bossed, then and only then can you use some of these pickup lines at your next networking event. You’ll have all the best-connected hotties begging to take you for coffee and ‘pick your brain’.