Register for your 100% free subscription. Full details.
Dear Players, Coaches, Fans and Mascots of the Texas Adult T-Ball Association,
We’re saddened at the outcome of yesterday’s adult t-ball game between the Dallas Nuts and the San Antonio Peppers.
As you may have seen in person or from the round-the-clock news coverage, yesterday’s violence erupted at the end of the first inning and continued throughout the next eight – among the darkest eight innings in our game’s history.
Today, we’re here to say that we, the governing body of the Texas Adult T-Ball Association, could have done more to prevent the injuries of 73 fans, 49 players, 1 organist, both 3rd base coaches, 1 commissioner, 1 commissioner’s wife, 3 umpires, and 2 mascots, 1 of whom (Nutty The Giant Nut) remains in ICU.
In retrospect, we realize that last night’s theme backfired on us.
How could we have known “Aluminum Bat Giveaway Night” would go so wrong? What should have been a fun night where our first 100 patrons received a free bat was, instead, deeply regrettable. We also realize we only seat seventy-five, so some customers had more than one.
And though we take precautions to check every fan for contraband at the entrance, we failed to account for people bringing their own aluminum bats from home, leading to a level of bat violence we could not have anticipated.
Alcohol and bats are never a good mix, and we shouldn’t have advertised that it was, especially with our aggressive campaign on 3-shot tequila T-bombs. And the “Beers ’n Bats” combo, where customers received a miniature aluminum bat with the purchase of a large Coors, was a mistake.
So for that, we apologize.
There’s a lot of speculation as to what happened last night. Some say it started with a mild disagreement between two opposing players over the proper height of the T. Others blame the severely inebriated fans wielding multiple aluminum bats.
In any case, two opposing fans started the fighting. Then two opposing children. Then the rest of the fans and the rest of the children. Then, oddly, the umpires started to strike blows against each other too, before joining forces and striking the players. But we’d like to point out that they hit both teams neutrally.
That’s when things really lost control. Folding chairs were used as bludgeons. Bodies were piled in the bullpen. At one point, someone even sharpened the T and used it as a spear. Is nothing sacred?!
We condemn any type of violence that isn’t specified by the league, like our 7th inning stretch fistfight or the much loved “Bust a Nut” game, where fans throw beer bottles at Nutty. This is all supposed to be in good fun.
So, out of necessity (and public backlash), the governing body met this morning to discuss and implement some radical changes to our league.
- We are starting a training camp to teach our players the rules of the game.
- Players will undergo mandatory anger management training.
- Mascots will no longer be allowed to ‘play fight’ with the fans, or with each other, or with security and parking attendants.
- “Bust a Nut” is officially banned.
- Players will be searched for any contraband before stepping onto the plate and will have to promise to only use their bats for t-ball-related activities.
- Fans are no longer allowed to bring their own bats to the stadium. This includes bats with nails at the end, which we all thought were a bit of fun.
- Though we still encourage children to attend our games, they’re now required to wear a helmet and a catcher’s Kevlar vest.
- “Gun Night” is postponed, pending review
Let’s keep the tradition (and everyone involved) alive!
Thank you for your support and see you all at the next game!
President of the Texas Adult T-Ball Association
P.S. As another way to apologize, this letter is redeemable for one free tequila T-bomb at any concession stand at your next game. Enjoy!
- Jack Handey’s What I’d Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats
- Simon Rich’s Hits and Misses
- Craig Brown’s One, Two, Three, Four
- Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits