Tuesday April 20
Hiya, boss babe! It’s Kayleigh here, from high school <3
We had chem together our junior year, remember? I was the one who singed my eyelashes by getting too close to the Bunsen burner? The EMTs told me I’d have to close my eyelids manually if I ever wanted to blink properly again, and everyone in class called me “Kayleigh the Kreepy Doll”? Remember? Haha! That was soooo funny!!!!
Well, luckily, a few years ago I was able to have eyelid replacement surgery. I am so grateful to say that since then, I have been blinking with maximum speed and precision. And actually, the whole experience really opened my eyes (or finally closed them!!! Hahahahahah!!!!!!!!) to what I should be doing with my life.
That’s why I’m reaching out to you today, girly! I have started a resin homeware business called NEW KAYLEIGHSE ON LIFE, and scrolling through your Instagram, I truly believe that my resin orb collection would look freaking amazing in your tiny little apartment. (I’m sure your rent is very affordable!)
Please browse the collection at the link in my bio, and use the code OHMYLORB for 25% off 🙂
Thursday April 22
Hey, cutie! I noticed you opened my last message but haven’t responded. If the orb isn’t right for you, no problem at ALL.
I’m ecstatic to introduce you to my new line of resin pyramids that I filled with Chiclets and rotting garbage I found in the dumpster outside of Arby’s. It’s an existential personal project called “Are We Human or Are We Resin Pyramids Outside of Arby’s?”
You went to a liberal arts college, right? You like that kind of thing?
I know you do 🙂 Please visit the link in my bio to purchase, and use the code ARBYMYFRIEND for 20% off!
Friday April 23
Hi pretty <3
Maybe you’re busy or you can’t read (I remember hearing you struggled in English class), but please, please respond soon!
My offers are only valid for a limited time and my products are selling extremely fast to all my closest friends and relatives. Act now to grab my latest piece, the rat from Ratatouille’s cousin encased in a 12 x 8 inch resin prison. With real dried flowers inside!!!!!
Use the code IPUTATRACKERONYOURPHONE for 15% off 🙂
Saturday April 24
I was just reminiscing about high school and all the great moments we shared… I thought you should know that I did end up marrying Clint (you might remember him by his full name, Clintoris), your supposed “weirdo” lab partner. Yes, he still does that thing where he carries around grated parmesan in a Ziploc bag and snorts it when he’s tired and then keeps it in his nose until it’s time for his lunch pasta. It’s a joke and everyone thinks it’s funny. You’re the only one who didn’t think it was funny. But I still love you and would like to offer you a discount code because you mean so much to me.
Use PLEASEHELPME for 10% off.
Okay, I always knew you were jealous of me, but this is taking things way too far!
A one star review because my marketing approach is “unhinged” and my products are “niche at best, harbingers of the impending ecological disaster at worst”?! Please.
This business is my livelihood right now. Do you really want my and Clintoris’ kids, Blintzoris and Korn, to be forced to eat uncured resin for all our meals?
“Oh, Kayleigh why don’t you just ask your dad for another loan?” Yeah, I could if I wanted to. He’s a retired oil baron, after all, with a 40 million dollar fortune – but stop trying to change the subject, this is about you!
I’m making you a custom keychain. It says “I’m a deceitful bitch, and I’m just jealous of Kayleigh for being such an enterprising, empowered woman with a parmesan-snorting, 5’11 cutie for a husband.”
Just kidding, it says “Boss Babe” and it’s filled with glitter and stinky old resin! Use my code PECORINOYOUREABITCHO for 5% off.
OMG, queen, you bought the key chain! You will not regret your purchase! An unspecified portion of your payment gets donated to “animals.” (Clintoris is founding an exotic petting zoo on our front lawn; he’s sneezing Grana Padano into the feeding troughs as we speak!).
Unfortunately, though, since I did say your order was custom, you should have contacted me before purchasing to get a price quote 🙁 I’m going to need you to Venmo me an extra $25 for the customization and an additional $5 for the inconvenience, plus $15 for miscellaneous parmesan/resin-related surcharges.
And sadly, I do not offer refunds. I am sooo sorry, queen! On the bright side, you’re going to freaking love this keychain so freaking much. It’s so filled with non-biodegradable glitter and debris from a recent hit-and-run Korn was involved in that everyone you encounter will be too enamoured by it to notice your fat elephant thighs.
Talk soon! Love you so much!
The Way We Were (1973), fading “Chop Suey!” by System of a Down into “Ponyboy” by SOPHIE next time you have the aux, and gazing wistfully at the setting sun