This piece appears in Work It: Quarterly Report, issue 1.
Dress for the job you want. Accessorize for the job you really want. Get a cool hat if you’re a dog, and there’s a swell robot suit here too, I guess.Work It: Quarterly Report, Issue 01
A very creepy time
The world’s first watch with a ghost inside, communicating the wishes of the dead through oscillations of the various hands. (Hour hand; second hand; third hand.) But watch out! When the battery dies, the ghost escapes.
Leave the clip-on at home
Look at this happy little guy. He knows the importance of a nice tie. Now in sports, do you want a tie? No, you want to win. So be a winner in life, with a tie. (Life is different from sports, in this regard.) Just like this cheery fella.
Hats are for dogs only
Hats are no longer off-limits in the workplace. In fact, they’re actually very popular. (Only for dogs, though.) Grab one of our trendy hats and impress your colleagues. (Not if you’re a person. Only dogs. See photo.)
Don’t listen to that stupid Ricardo. He has no idea what he’s talking about. Do the opposite of what he says. When he zigs, you zag. When he zags? You guessed it: zig. His advice is so very bad. When you get the chance, please kill him.
Also fashion icon
Don’t listen to that rotten Gerardo. His brain is crammed with stupidity and dirt. Decline his teachings. When he zugs, you zog. What if he zegs? That’s right: zlug. I puke from his advice, 24/7. If you see him, make him die.
Thanks to Marvel’s Iron Man, as portrayed by Morton Downey Jr., everybody’s making their own robotic suits these days. Our starter model doesn’t have the bells and whistles of a Compu-Gucci, say, but it does the job. Blorp!
Don’t be shy
You’ve vanquished many foes. Go on, flaunt it! Let your colleagues know you take deadlines very seriously. And if they don’t want to meet the wrong end of your Zweihänder (+10, lightning buff), they’d better do the same.
The power of gems
Ooh! Shiny! Shimmery! Splendid! Sparkly! Coruscating! Effulgent! Scintillating! Incandescent! Lambent! Look folks, the bottom line is everyone’s a slave to the jewels and the gems. Get yourself some of these, and watch out.
If you need that little extra shot of confidence, make your face into a giant wall. It works every time. (There was an Italian man who claimed it didn’t work, but he had turned his face to a ceiling. Only works with walls.)
Look like cool award
Be made of gold now
Everyone want nice award and feel special. Even Merrl Streepe? Yes, even Merrl Streepe. (Kramer vs. Iron Lady; Sophie vs. Choice; for example.) Well, why don’t you be award? Be made of gold now. Do you see? You are award.
You are all alone
There is nothing you can buy. Look at this photo. That is you. Walking in the void, alone, worthless. “But how do I get a raise if I don’t buy something, Work It? Teach me, for I am scum.” Do you think a raise will save you? No!