Movie Reviews for July 2017

A preview of some of the nation’s (and also the world’s (except war-zones’)) upcoming blockbusters! Break out the popcorn, things are about to get buttery!

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Wow, Spidey-Man is back and better than ever in this can’t miss sequel! Thom Hollnad plays Peter Park, the inventor of parks who transforms into a park! Sometimes, he transforms into a spider and goes to another park. (For the swings and/or slides, but not for softball or change rooms. (This is a major plot point.))  Peter Park meets Polly Pork (or should I say meats her), a slab of pork with several desirable holes, and love is in the air. But all is not as it seems: a dog takes a crap on Peter (park-form) and Peter must decide whether to savagely tear the dog apart or to simply kill himself from shame. (He kills himself. Only three dry eyes in the house.)


Baby Driver

Wow, Baby Driver is back and better than ever in this can’t miss sequel! Anwar Elbow plays Baby Driver, and he drives around all the live-long day. (His name is Baby—how funny is that?!) Everything’s great for our hero until he runs afoul of Jon Hammm, playing the evil Baby Driver. (Everyone in this movie is named Baby Driver to maximize laughs—it’s just such a funny name.) When Baby Driver’s boss, Baby Driver (played by Kevni Space E.) learns that Baby Driver has learned about their secret plans, it’s up to Booby Dripple (Liyl Jamsee) to save the day. (Okay, she’s not technically named Baby Driver, but she changes her name to Baby Driver during a moving post-credits sequence.) Baby Driver stabs and eats Baby Driver while Booby Dripple takes a deuce in the corner. Then they all kiss and make up. Sequel, methinks?


The Emoji Movie

Wow, poo poo is back and better than ever in this can’t miss sequel! Laurence Olivier plays some poo poo in this ensemble comedy that also features Rebecca De Mornay as 🎄, Sting as 💯, Angela Merkel (cameo) as 📩, and Kate or Rooney Mara as 📊. Poo and 100 sign have to meet up with envelope to land the new Christmas tree account. Uh oh, 100 sign forgot some important documents back in 🇹🇿, so he has to charter a ⛵️ across the 🌊🌊🌊 to make it in ⏰. Meanwhile, poo poo has begun cheating on his wife of 10 years, envelope, with Christmas tree. Envelope finds them in flagrante delicto, so to speak, and 🔫 herself in the head, which prompts poo to leap out of his 10th-floor apartment to his ☠, crushing 🍆 and 🙌 below. Meanwhile, President 🍔 launches a nuclear strike against the North 👙s, plunging the world into decades of 🔥🔥🔥. All the emojis are killed and stupid people on Twitter have 👏 to 👏 learn 👏 words 👏 instead. 😢!

💩 💩 💩½

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