Ep. 037
Feelin’ Finance
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at salary and finance, with an extra helping of poop jokes, please stay on the line. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Hey there, moneybags. Welcome to Work It 37, where we’re talking all about finances: raises, budgeting, armed robbery. There’s tips here for everyone. So open up your hearts and definitely open up your wallets, because here comes the first scene.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues for a few seconds and fades]
Scene: Minimum Wage Ads, part 1 (0:54)
[Upbeat, whistling muzak in background]
Janet: Sigh…
Sam: What’s wrong, Janet?
Janet: Sam, this is a perennial problem on our show, but I’m broke! How can we make some money?
Sam: Oh, have I got news for you!
Janet: Yech, not again!!
Sam: No, news, not nudes!
Janet: Thank Christ. Is it good news or bad news?
Sam: Well…I found us a sponsor! All we have to do is some ad reads.
Janet: Are you kidding me? That’s great news!
Sam: Yeah…kinda great…
Janet: …What’s the catch?
Sam: Oh, no catch! But…How do you feel - you know, morally - about, uh, workers?
Janet: Ha, you’re speaking to a one-time picket captain and union flying squad member! Solidarity forever!
Sam: So like, ambivalent?…Not- not sure where you stand?
Janet: Sam, do these questions have anything to do with our new sponsor?
Sam: Funnily enough, yes! It’s an anti-$15 minimum wage lobby group.
Janet: Oh, that’s no good.
Sam: But listen, glass half full, it’s a pro-under-$15 minimum wage lobby group!
Janet: This sounds like propaganda to me.
Sam: Janet, how could I refuse all this cash?
[Coins jingling]
Janet: Whoa…
Sam: $7.43, baby!
Janet: That’s almost half an hour’s pay!
Sam: More than half, if they get their way!
Janet: Ohhhhhhhhh, fine! I’ll do it.
Sam: Here’s your script. I’m thinking I’ll do my nerd voice for the first one!
[Papers rustling]
Janet: Ooo, I’m the voiceover! We can really sink our teeth into this stuff… 
[Clears throat for speaking; a swoosh and we cut to: ominous music in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): A $15-an-hour minimum wage…It could happen to you!
[Fade music; factory ambience]
Janet (as Boss): You there, worker! Congratulations, you’re now making $15/hour!
[Cash register – cha-ching]
Sam (as Worker): You mean…I can quit my second job and still feed my family now??
Sam (as Boss): Be careful what you wish for, worker…
Janet (as Voiceover): Later that evening…
[Door closes]
Sam (as Worker): Barbara, I’m home early! You’ll never guess-
[Several people gasp]
Sam (as Worker): Barbara! And our friends Sharla, Doreen, Curt, Doug, and Tanya! You’ve been having swingers’ parties while I worked 2 jobs??
Janet (as Barbara): Lance! You weren’t meant to find out like this!
Sam (as Worker): Oh why couldn’t I continue my life of blissful ignorance?? Curse you, $15 minimum wage!!
Janet (as Voiceover): Just say No to a $15 minimum wage. This message brought to you by the Concerned Millionaires’ Board of Canada.
Scene: NuMoney (3:35)
(Scene/character breakdown: At the start of the scene, Sam is ‘glitching out’ – that is, making ‘skipping’ noises, with sound effects of static and computer noises in the background; Klaus just sounds like Sam as a business bro.)
[Mellow samba music in background]
Janet: Oh boy, Sam, it’s time to do our Work It interview for the week.
Sam: [Glitches out]
Janet: Come again?
Sam: [Glitches out]
Janet: Oh I see what happened… Folks, CD Project Red stopped by before the show to upgrade Sam.
Sam: [Glitches out]
Janet: Looks like he’s running at only 1 FPS now.
Sam: [Glitches out]
Janet: Lessee… Alright, there’s a day-one patch available.
(To Sam:)
Sam, looks like it’s gonna be a few minutes to install this update. I’m going to put you in rest mode, okay?
Sam: [Glitches out, then gets cut off]
[Whirrrr of a machine powering down]
Janet (to self): Wonder how long I can leave him there till he gets brain damage. More brain damage.
(To audience:)
No matter, it’s my pleasure to welcome as today’s guest on the Work It Interview, Westdale’s leading entrepreneur, Klaus Newman. Welcome to Work It, Klaus.
Klaus: Thanks for having me, ja.net.
Janet: It’s just Janet, actually.
Klaus: Ohh, I thought it was a URL and I was like, “Damn, now that’s personal branding.”
Janet: Sorry to disappoint. Now Klaus, it says here you’ve developed an exciting new product in the fintech – or ‘financial tech’ – space.
Klaus: That’s right, Janet. I’m here to announce a financial breakthrough so disruptive, you will literally number two yourself, right here, right now.
Janet: Uggghhh!
Klaus: Janet, get ready to say fie to fiat! Crypto is crap-to! It is my pleasure to announce: the latest invention from 2992992999229992 Ontario Inc., DBA Westdale GloboTech, a Klaus Newman Joint, drumroll please…
[Very crappy drumroll of chopsticks on a bowl]
Klaus: It’s the currency revolution that will transform the world. Say hello to: NuMoney!
[Very crappy, cheap fanfare]
Janet: Tell us about “NuMoney,” Klaus. How does it work?
Klaus: NuMoney represents a leap forward. Look, you’ve heard of “going paperless,” right?
Janet: Sure, some businesses, or even some cities in Europe, I think, have gone paperless, meaning they only take debit or credit. But it can be kind of exclusionary too, right? Like, for seniors, say?
Klaus: Wrong, Janet, paperless banking is the only ethical choice. What was Mein Kampf printed on? Paper, that’s right.
Janet: Ok, hang on–
Klaus: NuMoney is the world’s first currency that’s stored in the only wallet you can truly trust: your own brain.
Janet: Huh.
Klaus: I can tell you’re excited. That’s right, Janet, NuMoney is the only currency that is 100% imaginary.
[Beat]
Janet: I see.
Klaus: For instance, let’s talk about getting paid.
Janet: Sounds good, Klaus. I love getting paid.
Klaus: With NuMoney, you think of how much you’re getting paid, and so does your boss, and each of you remembers those numbers, and – presto! – that’s how much you get paid.
Janet: What happens if you think of different numbers, though?
Klaus: NuMoney converts seamlessly. If you think you’re paid 1 billion NuMonies and your boss thinks they’re paying you 1, you’re both right.
Janet: So, 1 converts to 1 billion at a 1-to-1 exchange rate?
Klaus: Exactly. “But what about inflation?,” you’re asking.
Janet: But what about inflation?, I’m asking.
Klaus: Great question. So you’re getting paid a billion NuMonies every payday – that sounds a lot like Weimar Germany. Next thing you know we’ll be back to using paper and voting for Hitler, right?
Janet: What?
Klaus: Wrong! All you have to do is decide, “No, my trillions of NuMonies are actually worth trillions, which is a lot.”
Janet: So, with NuMoney inflation doesn’t exist?
Klaus: I’m afraid it does, Janet. If someone thinks their NuMonies have lost all their value from inflation. Unless they decide that no, they haven’t, again.
Janet: I gotta say, Klaus, this sounds highly unstable…
Klaus: NuMoney has caused 5 fewer recessions since 1981 than fiat currency.
Janet: Tell me more, Klaus.
Klaus: You know what else is great, with NuMoney you will never go poor, you will never starve, you will never be bankrupted by a medical bill. But how? Decide you have more.
Janet: Well, Klaus, what’s next for you and your NuMoney?
Klaus: We want to onboard as many people as fast as possible, Janet. So I’ve used my NuMoney to recruit a private militia so we can start shooting bank presidents and government economists.
Janet: Taking out the competition, very sharp. Klaus Newman of NuMoney, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your time.
[Footsteps, door close; chime of computer startup sound]
Sam: Hey Janet, it's me, Sam! Time for our interview.
Janet: Oh good, Sam’s patched and ready to go. Hey Sam, this is a stickup! Give me a million NuMonies!
Sam (confused): What?
Janet: Do it!!
Sam (confused): Okay??
Janet (shocked): I’m rich.
(Elated:)
I’m rich! Woo-hoo, I’m rich. Eat sh–[censor beep], moon doggie, mama’s outta here!
[Running footsteps; door slams; car skids away]
Sam (confused): NuMoney?
Scene: Minimum Wage Ads, part 2 (8:07)
[Ominous music in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): A $15-an-hour minimum wage…It could happen to you!
[Fade music; shop ambience]
Sam (as Boss): Congratulations, worker, I’m legally required to pay you $15 an hour now.
Janet (as Worker): Wow, I was so downtrodden back when I was worth only $10, but now…
Sam (as Boss): Don’t get too big for your britches!
Janet (as Worker): $15 dollars! Maybe I can pay off some debts! Stave off eviction! The world is my oyster!
Sam (as Customer): Hey lady, we’re waiting for service over here!
Janet (as Worker): Get bent, customer! I have dignity now!
Sam (as Boss): Worker, your attitude is unacceptable. You’re fired!
Janet (as Worker): Oh no! If only I’d kept earning the meagre amount my boss thinks I’m worth, I would have known my place! Curse you, $15 minimum wage!
Janet (as Voiceover): Just say No to a $15 minimum wage. This message brought to you by the Concerned Millionaires’ Board of Canada.
Blackout: Personal Finance for Millennials (9:08)
[Mellow, jazzy/lounge muzak in background, continuous]
Janet: Hey kids and 40-year-olds. Low-paying jobs got you down?
Sam: Your parasocial friends at Work It have got you covered. Follow these tips and starve a little later.
Sam (as Voiceover): Personal finance for millennials.
Janet: Save money on food by eating Mr. Noodles. Sick of Mr. Noodles? No problem. Move onto the rest of the Noodles family: 
[Sloppy eating sounds in background]
Eat Mrs. Noodles, Grandpa Noodles, Gangly Teen Noodles. Tear into the soft flesh of Baby Noodles. Let the broth drip down your chin.
Sam: Uh-oh, gamers. At $500, you’d better wait for your PS5. In the meantime, dust off your old 80s consoles: like the Atari Jazzercise or the Commodore Vanilli, with its classic game John Hinkley’s ReaganHunter.
Janet: TFSA, RRSP – when you’re a millennial, these are just meaningless strings of letters. Save money by inventing your own: BLBL, QM, AYP, UUUU. It’s easy!  TRRT or Tirt, QN, DPRKDKNY. And how about: SLEPJ, QMNMNMN, PQPPLLLLLLLPPQ! And don’t forget: JFKPP, SHAQ, IDUH, JLKDSJKLQUIYOIUYHSDFOIUNWN! 
Sam: If you have a family, reusable diapers are a great, eco-friendly way to cut down costs – whether you have a baby or not! Ditch the plumbing bill, and throw on a reusable diaper, folks! Need water to clean them, you say? Not so. You’ve got some perfectly good liquid going to waste in those very diapers. Get scrubbin’!
Scene: Minimum Wage Ads, part 3 (10:45)
[Ominous music in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): A $15-an-hour minimum wage…It could happen to you!
[Fade music; clock ticking]
Janet (as Wife): Darling, it’s late! Won’t you come to bed?
Sam (as Boss): I need to balance my books! Ever since I had to start paying my workers $15 an hour, our finances are in ruins!
Janet (as Wife): What! You don’t mean we’re going to lose the estate?
Sam (as Boss): Well, no…
Janet (as Wife): Or lose the other house? Or the third house? Or- not our condo downtown!
Sam (as Boss): Of course not, that’s where I keep my mistresses!
Janet (as Wife): Will we lose the private jet? The wine cellar?
Sam (as Boss): We’re…we’re going to experience a slightly smaller profit margin than last year.
Janet (as Wife): Not that!
Sam (as Boss): And I’ll have to skip a Botox appointment.
Janet (as Wife): No!
Sam (as Boss): You should still get yours, though, Saggy.
Janet (as Voiceover): Just say No to a $15 minimum wage. This message brought to you by the Concerned Millionaires’ Board of Canada.
Blackout: Ads (11:51)
(Character breakdown: Sheila and Rick (Millennials 1 and 2) just sound like ‘regular folks’ played by somewhat stiff, untalented commercial actors; the Sergeant is a gruff, R. Lee Ermey impression, and the Private is a respectful, disciplined soldier.)
[Groovy jazzy/lounge muzak in background]
Text-to-Speech clip (heavily distorted): And now, the ads.
Janet (as Millennial 1): Hey there, Rick.
Sam (as Millennial 2): Not now, Sheila, I’m working on my personal finances. Now, if I only eat on Tuesdays, I should have enough for my bills…
Janet (as Millennial 1): Money got you down?
Sam (as Millennial 2): And how! I’d like to save for retirement, but it’s just so hard!
Janet (as Millennial 1): Let me guess: does your nest-egg consist entirely of FunCo pops?
Sam (as Millennial 2): But how did you know?
Janet (as Millennial 1): I used to be in the same boat. Then I discovered a program that changed my life.
Sam (as Millennial 2): At this point? I’ll try anything.
Janet (as Millennial 1): It’s called Armed Robbery.
Sam (as Millennial 2): Armed whattery?
Janet (as Millennial 1): That’s right, Rick. I’ve been using Armed Robbery at mansions across Westdale and I’ll never go back.
Sam (as Millennial 2): But isn’t it dangerous?
Janet (as Millennial 1): A common misconception, Rick. Armed Robbery is actually no more dangerous than being poor under late capitalism.
Sam (as Millennial 2): That’s true…
Janet (as Millennial 1): And if it doesn’t work out, hey: At least you can take down some rich people with you.
Sam (as Millennial 2): If “Armed Robbery” means taking out my boss, it sounds really, really–
[Record scratch ends background music abruptly]
Janet: Satirical! He was going to say “satirical!” Hey folks, Janet from Work It here, reminding you that our show does not officially fantasise about violent insurrection. We’re all about the funny!
Sam: And the only funny billionaire is a–
Janet: Satirised! billionaire.
[Beat]
It’s just satire.
[And we cut to: a military march song in background, continuous, with the clip-clop of marching boots]
Sam (as Sgt.): At Brownwater, we take private military contracting seriously. Podcasts trying to satirise you? They’re probably just jealous of your finances. For the right price, we will tactically satirise any podcast out of existence.
Janet (as Pvt.): This is Private Bronwyn, ready to satirize, sir!
Sam (as Sgt.): Thank you, Private Bronwyn.
Janet (as Pvt.): May I ask a question, Sir? Where did we get the name Brownwater, Sir?
Sam (as Sgt.): Great question. As you may know, Private Bronwyn, all of us here at Brownwater have incurable diarrhoea.
Janet (as Pvt.): I thought it was just me, Sir!
Sam (as Sgt.): No, Private, upon enlisting, every one of us is struck with incurable, and constant, diarrhoea, resulting in this ‘brown water’ pooling around our ankles.
Janet (as Pvt.): I understand, Sir.
Sam (as Sgt.): Some say it’s a curse. Punishment from beyond.
Janet (as Pvt.): I see. Just one more question, Sir?
Sam (as Sgt.): Let’s hear it, Private.
Janet (as Pvt.): Why do you drink it? Is that the curse too?
Sam (as Sgt.): Hell no, for the taste!
[Sound of pouring liquid]
Blackout: CFMU News Desk (14:09)
[Loop of ‘breaking news’ music continuous in background]
Sam: And now, for bulletins from the CFMU news desk. First, the headlines.
Janet: Westdale U. partners with armed forces to offer specialized degrees in resource extraction to underage commanders. Now featuring a summer abroad: yes, it’s a Major in mining for minor Majors in Asia Minor.
Sam: “Antediluvian,” says Conrad Black, who know big word hooray.
Janet: Prime Minister mourns dog, dead of syphilis.
Sam: And now, for money news, our own Blanche Ankle.
[A swoosh and the cha-ching of a cash register and we cut to: pulsing, professional, and news-program-like electronic music in background]
Janet (as Blanche, very businesslike): Gold opened way up, as investors put a piece of gold on top of a tall building, but soon plummeted when the building collapsed.
A rush on pharmaceuticals, as the FDA approved a new edible cancerous cereal earlier this morning. TumourPops, by Pfizer, is already flying off the shelves. The chocolatey snack is expected to announce a run for President.
Pork down, as Olaf, King of the Pigs, announced his resignation. The once-venerable porker has come under fire as a frequent visitor to the personal sty of Jeffrey Ep-swine. Both he and his accusers are expected to be butchered later today.
Now, let’s pay a visit to my husband, Manche, in the currency bordello.
[A swoosh and we cut to: sexy lounge music in background]
Sam (as Manche, very sensual): Hello, friends. Welcome to currency bordello, with your financial gigolo, Manche Ankle. The dollar opened sultry, as only she can. The yen, now there’s a sultry one. The Euro? My my, she’s sultry today, very sultry indeed. Yes, lovers, it was another sultry day here in the currency bordello.
[A swoosh and we cut back to: news loop in background]
Janet: Thank you, Blanche, and thank you, Manche. Now, back to Work It.
Scene: American Dream PSA (15:45)
(Character breakdown: It’s like an educational film of the 50s, so Voiceover is your classic sexist, didactic patriarch type; and Sally is a daffy, clueless young woman; the various ‘magnates’ are as described ad loc.)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Voiceover): Here’s Sally, a typical American girl working at a shop.
Janet (as Sally): Hiya!
Sam (as Voiceover): Note her modest dress, sturdy haircut, and vacant smile.
Janet (as Sally): I hope you’re having a blessèd day!
Sam (as Voiceover): Sally comes from a working-class background, but she doesn’t mind. Why’s that, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): I believe in the American Dream!
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s right, young Sally’s doing everything she needs to achieve the American Dream. And what’s that dream for you, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): I want to be a multi-billionaire tech mogul!
Sam (as Voiceover): Yes, here in America, we dream big because it’s our god-given right to become unimaginably rich.
Janet (as Sally): And all it takes is gumption!
Sam (as Voiceover): To begin, you need to form a network of high-powered allies. Start by tapping into your father’s associates.
Janet (as Sally): Oh…my parents aren’t in my life, actually…
Sam (as Voiceover): Where’s that gumption, Sally? Time to make friends with some magnates yourself!
Janet (as Sally): Of course!
[Knock on door; door opens]
Janet (as Sally): Hi, I’m-
Sam (as Magnate, rude): F–[censor beep] off!
[Door slam]
Janet (as Sally): Oh well, let’s try the next one!
[Knock on door; door opens]
Janet (as Sally): Hi, I’m-
Sam (as Magnate 2, uptight): Security!
Janet (as Sally): Oh no!
Sam (as Voiceover): Remember that gumption, Sally!
Janet (as Sally): You’re right, mister!
[Knock on door; door opens]
Sam (as Magnate 3, elderly): Yes, hello my dear!
Sam (as Voiceover): At last, an opportunity!
Janet (as Sally): Hello, my name’s Sally and I have big career aspirations! I’d love to-
Sam (as Magnate 3, elderly): I told that escort agency no talking!
Janet (as Sally): Oh my!
Sam (as Magnate 3, elderly): A woman should have her mouth full at all times!
(Calling out:)
Release the hounds on this tease, Herbert!
[Dogs barking]
Janet (as Sally): Aaaa!
Sam (as Voiceover): Well Sally, you’ve learned your next lesson about the American Dream. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
Janet (as Sally): Gee, you’re right, mister!
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s the spirit, Sally. First, obtain a 6-figure loan from your parents.
Janet (as Sally): I don’t have parents, remember?
Sam (as Voiceover): Oh. Well not to worry, simply sell off some of your parents’ property to finance your dream.
Janet (as Sally): I…I just told you…
Sam (as Voiceover): Oh right, the parents thing. Well, let’s really use those bootstraps, and approach a wealthy patron for a loan!
Janet (as Sally): But they set the dogs on me!
Sam (as Voiceover): Riiiight, right right right. 
(Idly, to self, while thinking:)
Buh buh buh.
[Beat] 
(Stumped:)
You know this is a real pickle, Sally.
Janet (as Sally): But I still have my gumption! What else can I do to become a billionaire?
Sam (as Voiceover): You’re out of options, Sally. Time to go back to your minimum-wage job at the shop.
Janet (as Sally): Well, at least America has a robust social security net to help me get by!
Sam (as Voiceover): Hahaha! Oh Sally!
[A few seconds of “Hail to the Chief”; fade out]
Blackout: Darren the Underpaid Worker, part 1 (18:41)
(Character breakdown: Darren sounds very tired and like his metaphorical back’s been broken by work; his Wife is a classic sitcom wife, laughing at all his misadventures; Mrs. Bottom is haughty and paternalistic (maternalistic?), a Thatcher type.)
Sam (as Announcer): Coming soon to C-H-A-M, CHAM-TV, Westdale’s best and only source of entertainment.
[Cheesy, upbeat sitcom theme song in background]
Sam (as Announcer): It’s our newest sitcom, Darren the Underpaid Worker!
[Door slam]
Sam (as Darren): Honey…I’m home.
[Canned laughter]
Janet (as Wife): Darren, hurry! You’re late for your other job!
Sam (as Darren): Oh yeah. Bye, dear.
[Door open and close; canned laughter]
Janet (as Wife): Oh that Darren - he just can’t keep all his jobs straight!
[Canned laughter]
Sam (as Announcer): Featuring Ursula Sporkneimer as Darren’s boss, Mrs Bottom!
Sam (as Darren): Please, Mrs Bottom, I could really use a raise.
Janet (as Mrs Bottom): You could really use a kick in the [censor beep]–ss!
[Boof!; slide-whistle; canned laughter]
Sam (as Darren): Ohhh…
Janet (as Mrs Bottom): Here’s another one!
[Boof!; canned laughter]
Sam (as Announcer): Yes, if you love laughing at the misfortunes of others-
Sam (as Darren, sadly): I don’t get adequately compensated for my work!
[SFX canned laughter]
Sam (as Announcer): And at corporate cruelty-
Janet (as Mrs Bottom): Good news everyone! All our staff are now contract workers so we can pay less than minimum wage!
Sam (as Darren): So much for Dorothy’s insulin.
[Canned laughter]
Sam (as Announcer): Then you should join us Thursday nights on CHAM-TV!
Scene: Sam and Janet want a Raise (19:59)
(Character breakdown: Snarfles ‘is’ dog sound effects; Max is a grade-school boy, who can’t quite ‘pwonounce’ his ‘wuwds’; Boss is gruff and tough-but-fair.)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Janet: Sam’s late for our next scene. Oh well, I’ll just listen to my favourite song, I guess.
[Cassette tape being put in player; end background music, start wrestler Shawn Michaels’ entrance music]
Janet (singing along): Just a sexy boy… not your boy toy…
[Door flying open, running footsteps; wrestling music ends, tango muzak fades back in]
Sam: Janet, you’ll never believe what I’ve got!
Janet: Syphilis?
Sam: What? No, what I’ve got in my hand.
Janet: Hands, eh? The clap?
[Brief clip of clapping]
Sam: Janet, in my hand, I have the full, top-secret list of salaries for all the DJs here on CFMU. You know what this means?
Janet: It means we can finally prove they’re BS’ing us when they claim they can’t pay us more than our current rate of nothing dollars. Sam, we’ve got them between a large stone and a place that isn’t soft.
Sam: Took the words right outta my mouth. Now, please the clap. I mean, please clap.
Janet: I’m impressed, Sam, getting privileged info like that. How’d you get your diseased little paws on it anyway?
[End muzak; futuristic ‘hacking’ techno (think The Matrix) in background]
Sam: I haxored into the mainframe, bypassed the firewall, and rerouted key shell functions to my database.
Janet: You found it lying around, didn’t you?
[End techno, fade in muzak]
Sam: I mean… maybe… but I coulda haxored it… if I wanted.
Janet: Give it here, Dorkpheus.
[Paper being grabbed]
Janet: Let’s see, Sam and Janet, Sam and Janet. Here we are, 0 dollars.
Sam: All good so far.
Janet: Let’s look at some of these other shows: Catheter Theatre with the Meadow Park Nursing Home Touring Company. 1 dollar!
Sam: See? They’re ripping us off. Keep looking!
Janet: Coming Up Short, the show where CFMU would get Marty Short to talk about his Westdale roots but can’t get his email. 5 dollars.
Sam: I knew the dead air slotted for Marty Short was getting a better deal than us.
Janet: Hang on. God’s wounds, Sam, here’s a show getting paid 100 thousand bucks an episode.
Sam (aside, to self): What’s that work out to in NuMoney…?
Janet: But here’s what’s wild: I’ve never heard of it.
Sam: Give it here.
[Paper being grabbed (back)]
Sam: Snarfles and Max?!
Janet: What the hell show is that?!
[End muzak; futuristic ‘hacking’ techno (think The Matrix) in background]
Sam: I will haxor the mainframe to ascertain–
Janet: You mean you’re Googling it.
[End techno, fade in muzak]
Sam: I coulda haxored it… Anyway, look here:
Janet (reading): Snarfles and Max is the world’s first right-wing talk radio show hosted by CFMU’s station manager’s son and dog.
Sam: Leopard jism!
Janet: I think you mean ‘nepotism’.
Sam: Even worse.
Janet: Wait– a dog and a boy host a right-wing talk show?
Sam: Well… click there for a clip, maybe they deserve it.
[Mouse click; end muzak; start bouncy, pop beat in background; the broadcast – music, voices – all have an AM radio effect; dog barks]
Janet (as Max): Dat’s right, Snarfles, dose bad kids from the other neighbourhoods are taking all the good swings at recess.
[Dog barks]
Janet (as Max): And their doggies take your bones, good point.
[Dog barks]
[Mouse click; end radio sounds; fade in tango muzak]
Sam: That’s it! Even though the dog destroyed my previously held notions using logic and reason, it’s still not right.
Janet: Let’s bust down the boss’ door and demand fair pay. I’ll chew his slippers and pee on the floor if I have to!
Sam: That’s the spirit.
[Footsteps running away; door close; a chime, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Meanwhile, in the boss’s office.
[Office ambiance]
Sam (as Boss): Now to relax with the radio.
[Radio dial, then silence (other than some static); a pause of ~3 seconds]
Sam (as Boss, ambitious): One of these days, Marty… We’ll land you one of these days.
[Door kicked open]
Sam (as Boss): Why, if it isn’t Spam and Numbnuts from Work It!
Janet: That’s Sam and Janet, bossman!
Sam: And we know what you’ve been doing with the station funds.
Janet: We’ve got the records to prove it.
Sam (as Boss): Damn, haxored again. Look, here’s the deal: I was going to offer you a raise anyway.
Janet: You better not be lying, Bossman. I mean it! Don’t make me pee!
Sam (as Boss): It’s true. I’m afraid Snarfles and Max are leaving CFMU.
Janet: But why?
Sam (as Boss): Spotify have purchased their show for ten million dollars.
Janet: Woah.
Sam (as Boss): Yuppers, they loved the fresh approach to being racist.
Janet: So then, I guess you’ve got a hundred thousand dollars to spare.
Sam (as Boss): How’s one?
Janet: Deal!
Sam (as Boss): Paid in NuMoney.
Janet: Fine.
Sam (as Boss): Great.
Janet: But I get to pee on the floor.
Sam (as Boss): I can live with that. 
[Water hitting floor]
Boy, you guys are terrible negotiators. You really shoulda watched this helpful video.
Sam (like a kid asking for a treat): Can I pee too?
Sam (as Boss): Sorry, a deal’s a deal. Here, watch:
Scene: The Many Ways to Ask for a Raise (24:10)
Sam (as Voiceover): The many ways to ask for a raise.
[Chimes, and we cut to: goofy muzak in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Confidently
Janet (as Worker): Boss, it’s time for me to get a raise.
Sam (as Boss): No.
Sam (as Voiceover): Over-confidently
[Kicking door open]
Janet (as Worker): Alright shut up and listen, you absolute dweeb, I need money and you’ve got money. Gimme, I need it.
Sam (as Boss): No.
Sam (as Voiceover): Cautiously
Janet (as Worker, nervous): Um, uh, see, I was kinda thinking, maybe, you could like, think about, uh, g-g-g-g-g-giving me a- a- a- a- raise? Aaaaaa!
[Footsteps running away; door slam]
Sam (as Boss): No.
Sam (as Voiceover): Unethically
Janet (as Worker): I will have sex with you for more money.
Sam (as Boss): No. Well…
Sam (as Voiceover): Romantically
[End goofy muzak; fade in romantic violin music in background]
Janet (as Worker, seductive): Boss…we’ve been working together for a really long time now, and you know I’ve struggled with commitment to the company, but I’ve- I’ve come a long way. So…will you… will you give me a raise??
Sam (as Boss): No.
[End romantic music; fade back in goofy muzak]
Sam (as Voiceover): Silently
Sam (as Boss): Okay, 5 words, 1st word is… can opener? Can! Can…2nd word is… you. 3rd word…have? get? Can you get…a…5th word is… lifting? Raise? Raise! Can you get a raise! …No.
Janet (as Worker): Aw man!
Sam (as Voiceover): Like Morrissey
[Clip of Morrissey singing, “I was looking for a job, and then I found a job / And heaven knows I'm miserable now…”
Janet (as Worker, hopeful): …but I wouldn’t be if I got a raise!
Sam (as Boss): No.
Sam (as Voiceover): In the washroom
Janet (as Worker, muffled): Can I have a raise? And some toilet paper?
Sam (as Boss): No and no.
Janet (as Worker): Wuh-oh…
[Flush]
Sam (as Voiceover): Properly
Janet (as Worker): …so to sum up, this chart here quantifies my projected capacity-building work over the next year. This data, I hope, makes a strong case for increasing my pay by 3%.
Sam (as Boss): Gee…that was very well done…
Janet (as Worker): So do I get a raise??
Sam (as Boss): No. Bye-bye.
[Music fades out; office ambience fades in]
Sam (as Boss): Jones, why are you still here? I said scram!
Janet (as Worker): Sir, I- I can’t just take this lying down. I’ve worked my buns off for this company, and I’m barely scraping by. You have no idea what it’s like!
Sam (as Boss): Is that so?
Janet (as Worker): If you had any idea what life was like for me, you’d change your tune. I just know it!
Sam (as Boss): No more sob stories, Jones!
[Beep of an intercom]
Sam (as Boss): Gretchen? Set the lions on this one!
Janet (as Gretchen, over intercom): Yes, Mr Boil.
[Lion roar]
Janet (as Worker): Aaaaa!
[Door slam]
Sam (as Boss): Golly, what if Jonesy was right? What if I’ve got it all wrong?
[Intercom beep]
Sam (as Boss): Gretchen?
Janet (as Gretchen, over intercom): Yes, Mr Boil?
Sam (as Boss): Go steal the clothes off one of our welders for me! I’m gonna live like a poor guy!
Janet (as Gretchen, over intercom): You want a new diaper before you go?
[Fade out office noises; door opens; fade in classy background music]
Sam (as Boss): Table for 1, garçon.
Janet (as Snooty Waiter, French accent): You are not welcome here, scum.
Sam (as Boss): What? I come here every day! Ohhh, right.. I look like I’m poor…Uhh, je ne suis pas un merde-
Janet (as Snooty Waiter): Guillaume! Fetch ze cattle prod!
[Zaps]
Sam (as Boss): Yowee!!
[Door slam; end music]
Sam (as Boss): Hm, being poor is uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll go to my favourite spa.
[Door open; soothing ambient music in background]
Janet (as Receptionist): Yes, how can I- oh…your kind isn’t welcome here.
Sam (as Boss): Please, I just need a caviar bath and a gold brick facial. Is that so much to ask?
Janet (as Receptionist): How about a vat of molten lead, you pauper??
[Splash, sizzling]
Sam (as Boss): Argh!! I’m outta here!
[Door slam; end music]
Sam (as Boss): Wow, life as a poor person really is tough!
(As if experiencing an epiphany:)
I’ve gotta get back to the office - starting today, I’m changing my tune!
[Office ambience; door opens]
Janet (as Worker): You…you wanted to see me, sir?
Sam (as Boss): I’ve spent a day as a poor person like you, Jonesy, and it opened my eyes.
Janet (as Worker): Wow, is that where the molten lead wounds are from?
Sam (as Boss): Yes. I’m a changed man. From this day forth, I’m implementing a 50%- layoff!
Janet (as Worker): Yay- wait, did you mean 50% pay raise by any chance?
Sam (as Boss): Hell no! I can’t ever dip below the very top tier of society. Now get outta here! You’re fired!
Janet (as Worker): You know the staff will never stand for this! We’ll rise up!
Sam (as Boss): Ha! I can take you.
[Intercom beep]
Janet (as Gretchen, over intercom): Uh, sir, it’s time for you to go potty.
Sam (as Boss): Hold my hand, Gretchen, it’s gonna be a big one.
Blackout: Darren the Underpaid Worker, part 2 (28:38)
Sam (as Announcer, sombre): Next week on C-H-A-M, CHAM-TV…tune in for a very special episode of Darren the Underpaid Worker.
[Sad piano in background; machines crunching; a man screaming]
Janet (as Worker): My god, Darren!
Sam (as Darren): Hellllp!
[Cheesy, upbeat sitcom theme song in background]
Sam (as Announcer, cheery): But there’s no time for moping in late-capitalism!
[Hospital ambience, monitor beeping]
Janet (as Dr, curt): Darren, I’m your doctor. Your insurance company rejected your claim and you owe us $500,000.
Sam (as Darren): Oh well, I guess it’s back to work for me!
[Canned laughter]
Sam (as Announcer): Yes, it’s one life-shattering curveball after another for Darren the underpaid worker!
[Machines]
Janet (as Mrs Bottom): Darren what happened to you??
Sam (as Darren): A machine crushed my pelvis, Mrs Bottom.
[Canned laughter]
Janet (as Mrs Bottom): Don’t let it happen again, this puddle of blood is a slipping hazard!
Sam (as Darren, as if slipping): Whoopsie! Whoa!
[Machines crunching; a man screaming]
Janet (as Mrs Bottom): Not again…
[Canned laughter]
Sam (as Announcer): That’s Darren the Underpaid Worker, right after Chicken-Fried Christ, the Televangelist cooking show!
Outro (29:44)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: There it is folks, episode 37 in the can. Money matters, but content matters more. 
I hear Bitcoin is at an all-time high. Maybe I’ll sell mine so that I can be too. Like, drugs. 
Think that joke sucked? Let us know at @workitpod on twitter, Facebook and instagram. 
Visit spookymag.com, Richie Rich. Mastering by Alex Gilson.
[‘Bongo Madness’ fades out]