Ep. 036
The Westdale Winter Summer Fair
Scene: Intro (0:00)
Sam: If you enjoy Work It, please consider visiting spookymag.com/subscribe to support the show. C’mon, you know we’re good for it!
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For yet another one of our world-building episodes, this time at a summer fair in the winter time, please stay on the line. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam (as Carnival Barker): Step right up, step right up and Welcome to the Westdale Winter Summer fair. The world’s only summer fair to be run entirely in the winter! 
Rides, attractions, music! It’s all here! Food, fun, and more! 
So come on in, Sam and Janet, and give your listeners a tour of everything we have to offer here at the Westdale Winter Summer fair!
Yippee. 
(In confidence:)
I'll be honesti it's kind of cold – brrrrr.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues for a few seconds and fades]
Blackout: Zone of Champions, part 1, Eating Contest (1:08)
[Carnival organ music in background]
Janet: Well Sam, what’s a Summer Fair without some classic summer competitions?
Sam: You’re right, Janet! We’re passing through the gates into the Zone of Champions now, where we’ve got every wholesome showdown under the sun.
Janet: Or in this case, under the impending blizzard.
[Wind howling]
Sam: Over here we’ve got a hot dog eating contest, just about to kick off. Or not-so-hot-dogs, now that I get a look at them.
Janet: Yes, Sam, these weenies are frozen solid in the frigid summer fair weather. But we’re not about to let that stop our fun, right?
[Muffled applause]
Sam: The competitors are ready at the table, cold dogs piled high around them…and…
[Gunshot, snarffling sound from contestants]
Sam: They’re off!
Janet: Hungry Hannah Green is setting a blistering pace to start us off.
[Crack; scream]
Janet: Ooo, but she breaks a tooth. Possibly several! Hard to see through all that blood.
Sam: Voracious Victor Smith has a dozen dogs under his belt now.
[A wilhelm scream]
Sam: But he’s overcome with brain freeze! Oh the agony.
Janet: That leaves Sly Sally Brown, the only competitor who thought to bring a microwave.
[Ding!; eating; muffled applause]
Sam: And the crowd goes wild.
Janet: Stay tuned for more competitions from the Westdale Winter Summer Fair shorly! But first, let’s check out something else.
Scene: Airshow (2:14)
[Crowd muttering]
Sam: Well, folks, it’s just about time for everyone’s favourite part of the Westdale Summer Fair, the air show!
Janet: You bet, Sam. Folks, this is one of the best air shows in the neighbourhood, featuring aerial acrobatics, loud noises, and a gleeful celebration of these awesome killing machines.
Sam: The show should have started by now. I wonder what could be-
Janet: Oh! I’m just getting word that there’s a slight delay while the planes get de-iced.
[Spraying]
Sam: Well, to kill time, let’s recall some highlights from years past. Remember when the Duelling Daredevils forgot to use blanks in their aerial dogfight?
Janet: Who could forget! Or how about the time the military drones targeted the audience by mistake?
Sam: Whoopsie! How’s that for collateral damage?
[Slide whistle; planes buzzing]
Sam: Well, the 2 planes are finally taking off for the aerial ballet Dance of Destruction.
[Muffled clapping of mittened hands]
Janet: And you just know how exciting this is for pilots Zeke Guffin and Jed Sofa.
[In the background, tacky 80s hair music; periodic plane swoops]
Sam: Now this dance celebrates the peace that comes from inflicting unspeakable suffering.
Janet: Yes, I love how Zeke is flying backwards to symbolize the backwardness of foreigners.
[Sputtering engine]
Janet: Uh-oh, looks like Jed’s plane seized up in the frigid temperatures.
Sam: Yikes, this winter summer weather is not something they’ve experienced in Kandahar.
Janet: And Zeke is trying to help his comrade out. He’s spraying napalm on Jed’s plane to warm it up!
[Spraying; muffled applause]
Sam: Jed’s taking this napalming as an act of aggression, and he’s trying to crash into Zeke.
Janet: Let’s patch into their comms. Come in, Jed, over!
Sam (as Jed, businesslike, radio effect): I’m taking this f–[censor beep]er down with me!
[Planes in freefall]
Sam: And as their planes plummet to the frozen ground, both pilots eject and float to safety.
[Two booms]
Janet: Jed & Zeke land in a large snowbank, and they immediately start hurling snowballs at each other.
[Shouts and snowballs connecting; muffled applause]
Sam: Truly, the call of war never ends for these two heroes.
Janet: Canada thanks you, Jed & Zeke.
Blackout: Rides (4:24)
[Crowd murmuring and carnival organ in background]
Sam: What other attractions do they have here?
Janet: There’s some clowns in a clown car. They look really mad. What’s wrong, clowns?
Sam (as Clown, wacky): The door’s frozen on our clown car. We’re trapped!
Sam: Good luck with that!
[Clown horn – honk! honk!]
Janet: There’s a ferris wheel.
[Rickety metal creaking]
Sam: It doesn’t look so sturdy.
[Big, metallic crash! as it collapses]
Sam: What about over here?
[Thump, thump of bumper cars]
Janet: Ooh, bumper cars.
Sam: Look out for the black ice!
[Cars skidding and crashing into twisted metal]
Janet: Those poor kids. They had their whole futures ahead of them.
Sam: Eh, they probably would’ve been [censor beep]–ssholes.
Janet: Hey, it’s a log flume. Can we go, Sam? That’s my favourite ride at the fair.
Sam: It doesn’t seem to be moving. Mr. Ride Operator, is the log flume broken?
Sam (as Operator, gruff): Nah, it’s workin’ fine. The water’s just froze is all.
Sam: Still want to go?
Janet: Hmm… how much?
Sam (as Operator): For my favourite hosts of Work It? How ‘bout twenty bucks.
Sam: What do you think?
Janet: For a deal like that! 2 for the log flume, sir.
Sam (as Operator): Hop in!
Sam and Janet: Wheeeeeeee!!!!
Sam (as Operator): Like I said, it ain’t movin’.
Janet: So do we just sit here?
Sam (as Operator): Pretty much.
Sam (singing, ad libbed): Doo de doo doo doo, sitting in a flume, fun fun fun, flumin’ it up around the day...
Sam (as Operator): If you wanna sing, that’s extra.
Sam: Sigh, five, ten, twenty.
Janet: I’m cold.
Sam: I didn’t pay for you to sit here and complain. Enjoy the frozen log flume and shut up.
Janet (resigned): Okay.
Scene: Health & Safety (5:45)
Janet: Sam, I’m going to the bathroom now. Why don’t you do an interview while I’m gone?
Sam: Okay, bye, Janet! Who should I talk to…we’ve got clowns, carnies, food vendors, undertakers-
Janet (as Barb, in background): You dumb lout, I said no deaths! We want no deaths, not lots of deaths!
Sam: Ah, here’s Barb Fridge, head of Westdale Winter Summer Fair health & safety. Ms Fridge? Barb, a word for the radio, please?
Janet (as Barb): Oh, hello! Listen, the rumours are false, that’s my only comment on the matter.
Sam: What rumours?
Janet (as Barb): Yeah, What rumours? See this guy gets it.
Sam: The ones you just said!
Janet (as Barb): Oh, THOSE rumours. Yeah, about the staggering number of- Ah…Um, happy customers! Happy, warm, very much alive-
Sam: So Barb, tell us about your job. How do you keep everyone healthy and safe at a bustling summer fair in the middle of winter?
Janet (as Barb): For starters, we’ve got the standard hydration stations, so attendees can refill their water bottles for free.
Sam: Great idea!
Janet (as Barb): They froze.
Sam: Oh.
Janet (as Barb): Let’s see, we’ve got volunteers wandering around, offering parasols and battery-operated fans
Sam: Ooo, souvenirs!
Janet (as Barb): Uptake has been slow, Sam, I’m not gonna lie.
Sam: Now this is your first time directing health & safety for a fair like this, Barb. How did you work out the logistics?
Janet (as Barb): Well, I figured there’s no point reinventing the wheel. I looked back at plans from the Summer Fair of 2018.
Sam: During that heat wave? Wow, it was hot!
Janet (as Barb): Yes, a lot of lessons were learned.
Sam: Lots of people got heat exhaustion.
Janet (as Barb): Mm-hm, that’s why we’ve implemented a policy of misting tents every 3 metres along all pathways.
Sam: And how has it been working out?
[In the middle of this line, a lackey starts calling Barb’s name persistently]
Janet (as Barb): Oh, you know, it’s uh…We haven’t had a single case of heat stroke.
Sam: Great!
Sam (as Lackey): Barb? Barb!
Janet (as Barb): Yes, very promising-
Sam (as Lackey): Barb, we’ve lost 76 more!
Sam (curious, innocent): Oh, 76 what?
Janet (as Barb): Haha, nothing, nothing at all!
Sam (as Lackey): The undertakers can’t keep up!
Janet (as Barb, rushed whisper): Look, they’re frozen, right? It’s not like they’re going to decompose on us.
Sam (as Lackey): Look, those buyers from the dark web just got here.
Janet (as Barb): K, just stall a minute.
Sam: Wow, you run a tight ship here, Barb!
Janet (as Barb): A tight, hypothermia-free ship, that’s right, Sam. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got paperwork to fill out.
Sam: With that bone saw?
Janet (as Barb): I’ve got a lot to, um, organ-ise…
[Saw and goopy splatter]
Sam: Thanks, Barb Fridge, director of health & safety. Oh hey, Janet! I just talked to Barb Fridge!
Janet: Barb Fridge was here, and I missed her again?
[Polka Dot Door theme; fading out]
Sam: You sure did, you f–[censor beep]ing idiot.
Blackout: Dunk Tank, part 1 (8:22)
(Character breakdown: Principal sounds extremely jolly, like a Santa Claus-type – at least at the start; Billy and Elsie are cute-soundling little kids – they say ‘wats’ instead of ‘rats’ and so on.)
[Carnival music and crowd ambiance in background]
Janet: Let’s see what else they’ve got here.
Sam (as Principal): Betcha can’t get me! Ha ha!
[Thwack! Baseball hitting wood]
Janet: Oh, this is cool! It’s one of those dunk tanks. Where you throw the ball and try to knock a person into the water.
Sam (as Principal): Uh oh, missed again!
Janet: And who’s that in the dunk tank? Why it’s Principal Bill Crindle from Westdale Primary.
Sam (as Principal): That’s 3 strikes. Better luck next time, Billy.
Sam (as Billy): Aw, rats!
[Tap, tap, tap on glass]
Janet: How’s it going in there Principal Crindle?
Sam (as Principal): Pretty good, Janet. Great to see ya!
Janet: You’re not cold in there? These are usually a summer thing.
Sam (as Principal): No, I’m fine. The water is heated if I fall in.
Janet: Glad to hear it. Ooh, here comes another customer.
Sam (as Principal): Why if it isn’t little Elsie Jenkins, one of our finest st–
[Thwack! Ball hitting wood on the target; a bell goes off; big splash; continuous thrashing about in water in the background]
Sam (as Principal, terrified): Help! The water heater’s broken!
Janet (to Elsie): Woah, great throw!
Janet (as Elsie): F’anks!
Sam (as Principal): I’m freezing! Get me out of here!
Janet (carefree): Great to run into you, Principal Crindle.
Sam (as Principal): I can’t feel my extremities! Help!!
Janet: See you later.
[Whistles to herself while walking away]
Blackout: Westdale Gossip (9:32)
Sam (as Announcer): We interrupt our broadcast for this important local update.
[Stirring theme music; fades to background]
Janet (as Brenda): Hello everyone and welcome to the Westdale gossip report. I’m Brenda the Busybody, and let me tell you, I’ve been busy this week!
[A chime to ‘initiate’ the segment]
Let’s start with adulterers caught red-handed, with recordings to prove it. We’ve got Alan Grisham of Westdale Public Library-
[Passionate smooches]
Sam (as Alan G.): Oh baby, that’s it.
Janet (as Seducer): Oooooo!
Sam (as Alan G.): Yeah, you know I- 
(Realising he’s been set up:)
Hey, what the-
[Mic fumbles]
Janet (as Brenda): Clark Dribble of Westdale Plumbing and Gas-
[Passionate smooches]
Sam (as Clark D.): Ohhhh yeah baby.
Janet (as Seducer): Oooooo!
Sam (as Clark D.): That’s it, right there-
(Realising he’s been set up:)
hey, wait a minute!
[Mic fumbles]
Janet (as Brenda): And finally, my own husband, Dwight Fulsome.
[Passionate smooches]
Sam (as Dwight): Wow, you’re so much hotter than my wife…
Janet (as Seducer): Ooooo…
Sam (as Dwight, realising he’s been set up): Hey, what’s this- Brenda!!
[Mic fumbles]
Janet (as Brenda): I can report that I personally verified all those cads by seducing them myself. Dwight’s fallen for that blonde wig 18 times now.
[Shuffling papers]
Janet (as Brenda): Moving right along, the sheriff embezzled $400 million from Westdale’s treasury.
How do I know? I have my ways…
[Passionate smooches]
Sam (as Sheriff): Oh baby, I feel like I can tell you anything.
Janet (as Seducer): Oooooo!
Sam (as Sheriff): Now I’m gonna tell you all about racial profiling.
Janet (as Brenda): Stay tuned for that next week. And now, back to the fair.
[Theme music]
Scene: Interview with Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’” Aitkins (11:03)
(Character breakdown: this scene features guest Sam Polito (Polito) as Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’” Aikins (Aitkins) – he has the demeanor of a modern-day cowboy, but a very sleazy one; Slob Man and Woman are as described, slobby patrons of the fair.)
[Carnival ambiance – organ music, crowd noises – in background, continuous]
Sam: As we’re making the rounds here, let’s check in with some fair-goers.
Janet: You sir, how are you enjoying the fair?
Sam (as Slob Man): I came to try the fudge-pump, and I weren’t disappointed!
Janet: We’ll have to check it out.
Sam: You, ma’am, what’s your favourite part of the fair?
Janet (as Slob Woman): I saw a dog eat his own puke!
Sam: Terrific.
Janet: Well, seeing as Work It is about jobs and working, we should learn about the jobs here at the Westdale Winter Summer Fair.
Sam: We’re talking with Westdale’s Director of Economic Development–
Polito (as Aitkins, yelling ‘off-screen’): Hey, Sally. Lookin’ good! What’s that?
[Cartoon woman’s voice chattering in background]
Haw! Maybe later.
Sam: As I was saying–
Polito (as Aitkins, still yelling): Try the churros! The churros! Of course they’re clean!
(Muttering:)
Stupid damn coronavirus, everybody's worried about getting sick. No pleasing these swine.
Janet: Please, sir. Your attention.
Polito (as Aitkins): Sorry, ma’am, where were we?
Sam: I was just introducing you.
Polito (as Aitkins): Howdy, folks, it’s yer old buddy, Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’” Aitkins!
Janet: Nathan– Jenkins?
Polito (as Aitkins): “Job Creatin’”.
Sam and Janet (repeating it back): “Job Creatin’”
Polito (as Aitkins): Aitkins!
Sam: Aitkins, got it.
Janet: Jathan Nob– hang on, once more?
Polito (as Aitkins, impatient): Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’” Aitkins!
Janet: Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’”–
Polito (as Aitkins): Aitkins.
Janet: Aitkins.
[Beat]
It’s a bit unwieldy.
Polito (as Aitkins, dismissive): I don’t think so.
Sam: Mr. Aitkins, let’s start with the number of jobs created by the Fair.
Polito (as Aitkins): We’ve created 400 fantastic jobs.
Janet: Super! Why don’t we start with the games?
Polito (as Aitkins): Of course. Take the ‘ring toss’: that’s a dozen great jobs right there. Y’all like the ring toss?
Sam: That’s where you have to toss a ring onto, like, a coke bottle, right?
Polito (as Aitkins): What? No! How the ring toss works here is, there’s a big bucket, and folks toss their rings in.
Sam: You don’t mean their actual rings, do you?
Polito (as Aitkins): Wedding rings, engagement rings. Really any jewellery or trinkets are fine too. Gold, silver. Toss it in! Ivory.
Sam: Ivory?!
Janet: And how do people get their rings back afterwards?
Polito (as Aitkins): Back? Lady, you must be crazy, that’s stuff’s worth a lot of money.
Sam: And that employs twelve people, does it?
Polito (as Aitkins): It sure does: one guy to hold the bucket, and 11 with Colt M4 Carbines.
Janet: Assault rifles?!
Polito (as Aitkins): Just for crowd control. It’s cool.
Sam: I almost don’t want to ask, but what about the rides? What jobs are created there?
Polito (as Aitkins): Well, take this one ride, The Haunted Box. Y’all visit The Haunted Box?
Janet: Not yet.
Polito (as Aitkins): That ride there requires two sturdy young fellas.
Sam: So it’s physically demanding?
Polito (as Aitkins): Oh yeah! So how the Haunted Box works is a kid gets into a cardboard box and then the two big fellas huck it down a hill.
Janet: And that’s it?
Polito (as Aitkins): Then they grab the kid’s wallet. Damn spooky, eh?
Sam: Tell us about the animal pavilion.
Polito (as Aitkins): The animal pavilion has some of our best jobs. It takes a team of hundreds to look after all the beautiful horsies.
Janet: Tell me about them.
Polito (as Aitkins): They’re actually really smart.
Sam: The team members?
Polito (as Aitkins): Haw! No. The horsies!
Janet: I see.
Polito (as Aitkins): Not just smart. Good with money too.
Sam: How can a horse be “good with money”?
Polito (as Aitkins): Well, here’s one example: all the jobs here need compensation. And compensation needs cash, right?
Janet: Right…
Polito (as Aitkins): Wrong! The horsies thought, what if, instead of paying folks in cash, we paid them in HorseyCoin?
Sam: HorseyCoin, what’s that?
Polito (as Aitkins): So HorseyCoin is an exciting new crypto-currency the horsies and I invented, and basically you get an email with a JPEG of a horsey, and, yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Janet: It’s just a JPEG?
Polito (as Aitkins, proud): It’s on the blockchain.
Janet: So basically, you’re stealing from the people you hired from the community?
Polito (as Aitkins): Well, hang on there, I don’t like that word.
Janet: “Stealing”?
Polito (as Aitkins): No, “community”.
Sam: What do you mean?
Polito (as Aitkins): You two seem to think I hired folks from around Westdale to run the fair. When in actuality, the horsies and me smuggled in day-labourers, told them to shut up, work hard, and take their HorseyCoin, and if they didn’t like it, we’d turn ‘em to horsey-chow.
Janet: That’s criminal!
Polito (as Aitkins): It’s the Westdale Fair, we should be havin’ fun.
(“Charming”:)
Hey, did you try the churros? Lemme get ya a churro!
Janet: Guards! Guards! Arrest this man.
Polito (as Aitkins): Giddy-up, horsies! Grab the jewellery bucket and the HorseyCoins and let’s ske-daddle!
[Horses neighing]
Sam: Get back here!
Polito (as Aitkins): See y’all in the funny pages, Work It! Yee-haw!
[Horses galloping away; fade out on:]
Janet: Drat, foiled again by Crathan Crom–
Sam: No, it was Jenkman Nenkman– hang on…
Janet: Nath-job Bob– that’s not it.
Sam: Nathan–
Janet: Nathan Jenkins… “Job”?
Sam: Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’”… Aikman?
Janet: No, that’s not it.
Sam: I hate this guy!
Blackout: Zone of Champions, part 2, Feat of Endurance (15:47)
[Carnival ambiance – organ music, crowd noises – in background, continuous]
Janet: We’re back in the Zone of Champions for another enthralling competition. We join a feat of endurance, already underway.
Sam: This is a classic pole-standing contest, and our competitors have been at it for several hours now.
Janet: An inspiring show of stamina.
[Impressed crowd noise – ooh!]
Sam: Uh, we’re getting word that the competitors have frozen solid and are now trapped on their perches in unfathomable agony.
[Straining – hnngh! hnng!]
Janet: I see their eyes darting around wildly while their bodies remain motionless, encased in ice.
[Chiseling noises]
Sam: Well, best of luck to the competitors and the brave rescuers working to chisel them out now.
Janet: May they lose only the least useful digits and limbs to frostbite.
Sam: Let’s check back in with the Zone of Champions in just a bit.
Scene: Children’s Fair (16:33)
(Character breakdown: Alan is a pompous Englishman broadcaster, albeit an energetic one; Bethany is a sort of all-American beauty-queen/morning-show type; as for the kid’s parents, Caity is scolding and faux-authoritative – though she really has no control over him; his Father tries to also play the heavy, but commands zero respect at all.)
[Carnival ambiance – organ music, crowd noises – in background]
Sam: Look Janet, it’s the Westdale Pavilion, where I hear they’ve planned quite a show.
Janet: Every year, members of Westdale’s élite come out to showcase the best in breeding and training.
Sam: Here with live commentary are legendary trainers, Alan Sprool and Bethany-Tiff Timble.
[And, after a brief sting of theme music, we cut to: ambiance inside the pavilion – some crowd murmuring:]
Sam (as Alan): Welcome, listeners, to the Westdale fair. Bethany, what makes this event so special?
Janet (as Bethany): Well, Alan, instead of the boring ole dogs and ponies of other fairs, this fair features local wine moms and their large sons.
Sam (as Alan): And here comes our first duo now, Melissa Banks and her large son, Tyler.
[Polite applause]
Janet (as Bethany): Tyler is a fine specimen, a grade 3 boy whose coat stands out with its colourful pattern of stains
Sam (as Alan): An eye-catching blend of Cheetos, mustard and snot. He’s smeared his filthy hands on himself in a way that’s sure to catch the judges’ eyes.
Janet (as Bethany): And Melissa holds out a tasty Butterfinger if he’ll do a summersault for the judges.
Sam (as Alan): Tyler takes his position and–
[Klonk of body falling]
Sam (as Alan, cont’d): He falls squarely on his head!
Janet (as Bethany): That’s quite a tumble, but at least the blood stains will accent the Cheeto dust nicely.
[Boy crying]
Sam (as Alan): As the officials clear the Bankses from the field, here come Caity Farber and her large son, Connor, to run the obstacle course
Janet (as Bethany): Tension mounts as Caity takes Connor by the leash and leads him through the pylons.
[Klonk of body falling]
Sam (as Alan): Oh, and she’s takes a tumble, as Connor refuses to look up from his 3DS
Janet (as Caity, faint): Connor! You get up this instant! Are you listening to me?
Sam (as Connor, faint): Just one more boss! I’m almost done. Jeez, hang on!
Sam (as Alan): He’s just sitting there with his Monster Hunter, like a dumb bag of rocks.
Janet (as Bethany): And now Caity’s hitting her darling boy with her bag, but he doesn’t seem to notice.
Sam (as Alan): One marvels at the stoicism of this truly large son.
Janet (as Bethany): And here comes Connor’s father from the stands to straighten him out.
Sam (as Father, faint): Now you listen to your mother, young man.
Sam (as Alan): And Connor clubs his own father with the 3DS!
Janet (as Bethany): Now this is the exact reason my kids aren’t allowed to have one.
Janet (as Caity, faint, wailing): Boo hoo hoo, Frances, speak to me!
Janet (as Bethany): And as Caity wails over her husband’s motionless body, young Connor has found some cotton candy in the trash.
[Snarfling sounds from Connor, like a pig noisily eating]
Sam (as Alan): The ingenuity of Westdale’s large sons shines through, yet again.
Janet (as Caity, faint, plaintive): Someone help me put his brains back in.
Blackout: Ads (18:56)
Text-to-Speech clip (heavily distorted): And now, the ads.
[Vintage/scratchy recording of military march music in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): Looking for excitement?
[Brief clip of gunfire and screaming, cut off abruptly]
Janet (as Voiceover): Adventure?
[Brief clip of gunfire and screaming, cut off abruptly]
Janet (as Voiceover): Come on down and join the Westdale Army today.
[Cheers, then brief clip of gunfire and screaming, cut off abruptly]
Janet (as Voiceover): That’s right, as a member of the Westdale Regiment, you will embark on valiant missions like: marching down Main St!
[Boots marching; car horns and yelling]
Janet (as Voiceover): Scaring the teenagers who smoke out back of the retirement home!
[And we cut to: A teen teasing nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah in background while:]
Sam (as Soldier, gruff, grumpy): Get outta here! No-good teens!
Janet (as Voiceover): And storming the college football game!
[And we cut to: football stadium ambiance – crowd noises, cheers]
Sam (as Football Player): Hut two! Hike!
[Heavy footsteps of army running in, all guns blazing; referee whistle; crowd booing]
Janet (as Voiceover): The Westdale Regiment. Enlist today!
[And we cut from this ad to:]
[‘Goofy’, wacky stupid player-piano comedy music]
Sam (as Voiceover): If you like contemporary ‘satire’, you’ll love McWeenies.com. 
[Slide whistle; splat!]
What’s ‘satire’, you ask? It’s like comedy, but for valedictorians and centrists. 
[Splat! Boi-oi-oing! Fart]
Also, it’s not funny. 
[Sad trombone; fart; boi-oi-oing!]
And that’s what we call ‘satire’ or, on one occasion, The Good Place. So check out McWeenies.com.
[Children saying ‘yayyy’ and clapping pathetically for ~5 seconds]
Scene: Concert, part 1, Dad Bands (20:15)
[Crowd muttering]
Janet (hushed): Well folks, this is an exciting moment for us. Work It is MCing the Westdale Winter Summer Fair’s annual battle of the Dad Bands.
Sam: We’ll bring you along for the ride.
[Exciting intro music]
Sam (as Voiceover): Ladies & gentlemen, please put your hands together for our celebrity guest MCs, Janet and Sam from Work It!
[Crickets, one or two muffled claps]
Sam: Thank you, thank you!
Janet: Hi everyone, thanks a lot!
Sam: Janet & I are honoured to be a part of today’s show, and let me tell you---dad-rock fans are in for a treat.
Janet: You said it, Sam! The green room is bursting with beer bellies and crushed dreams right now.
Sam: Are you excited, Westdale??
[Crickets, some claps]
Janet: Then let’s give a warm Winter Summer Fair welcome to our first act, Dad Halen!
[Bad midi of Van Halen’s “Jump,” with like 15 seconds of Sam singing his very worst; fade out; a few claps]
Sam: Thanks for that, Dad Halen! David Lee Foth-er, great try on those high notes.
Janet: Well, they’re a tough act to follow, but I’ve got faith in our next act, Dad Sabbath!
[Bad midi of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid,” with like 15 seconds of Sam singing his very worst; fade out; a few claps]
Janet: Dad Sabbath everyone, thank you! Nice one, Ronnie James Dad-o.
Sam: Our last act is a bit of an anomaly for a dad-rock band.
Janet: You got that right, Sam. Here’s Westdale’s only Mom-rock band, everyone’s favourite Heart tribute act, Fart!
[Bad midi of Heart’s Barracuda, with like 15 seconds of Janet doing her very worst; fade out; a few claps]
Sam: You think that was good, you should hear their rendition of "Crazy on You (for Denting the Car)"!
Janet: And now it’s time for us to crown the winners of this year’s Westdale Winter Summer Fair battle of the bands…
[Drumroll]
Why, it’s Work It. That’s us, Sam! We won!
Sam: But we haven’t played anything.
Janet: Oops, I did that in the wrong order. Our final competitors in this, Westdale’s saddest contest is… Work It!
Sam: Hit it!
[Music: bad midi of Working for the Weekend; Sam & Janet do their very worst rendition of the chorus]
[Boos]
Sam: Uh oh, here come the rotten vegetables. Let’s get out of here!
Scene: Concert, part 2, Drummers (23:16)
[Ambient crowd noises; some quiet background music]
Janet (bummed): This concert blows.
Sam: Let’s check out the CFMU stage.
Janet: Who’s playing that?
Sam (excited): You haven’t heard? Here, check out the program.
Janet (reading): “CFMU Presents: The Beat Goes On. Legendary Drummers of Classic Rock.” Could be cool. So, it’s a cover band featuring the original drummers or what?
Sam: Questions, questions – just relax and enjoy the show. Look! It’s starting.
Sam (as Announcer): Please welcome to the stage, from the band Kansas, playing their hit single “Carry On My Wayward Son,” Phil Ehart.
[Cheering; the isolated drum track of “Carry On My Wayward Son”, continuous in background]
Janet: That’s it?
Sam: Isn’t this great, it’s the Phil Ehart!
Janet: But it’s just the drums…
Sam: Hang on, look!
Sam (as Announcer): Please welcome to the stage, from the Guess Who, Garry Peterson.
[Cheering; the isolated drum track of “American Woman”, overlapping other drums, continuous in background]
Janet: I can’t make this out. Is that American Woman? Why are they playing at the same time?
Sam: Garry Peterson and Phil Ehart. Have I died and gone to drum-heaven?
Sam (as Announcer): Please welcome to the stage, the son of Sib Hashian from Boston, Sib Hashian Jr.
[Cheering; the isolated drum track of “More Than a Feeling”, overlapping other drums, continuous in background]
Janet (shouting): Who? The son of Boston’s drummer? Who gives a rat’s ass?
Sam (shouting): Wow, he sounds just like his old man! How great is this?
[Fade out all drums]
Janet: That was terrible.
Sam: Oh, you’re nuts.
Janet: That can’t be literally all this is, a bunch of 70-year-old drummers playing over each other?
Sam: Look, they’re clearing the stage. The lighting is kind of melancholy now.
Sam (as Announcer): Ladies and gentleman, we ask that you remove your hats as we honour the men and women of the Westdale Army. Please welcome to the stage, from Guns ‘n' Roses, Steven Adler, accompanied by his nephews.
[~6 copies of the isolated drum track of GnR’s “Paradise City,” slightly out of time from each other and panned play, clashingly, continuous in background]
Janet: Oh my god, this absolutely sucks.
Sam: Ssh! Janet, have some respect.
(Yelling:)
God bless you, Mr. Adler!
Janet: I hate you.
[The guitar track of “Paradise City” joins in, as we fade out]
Blackout: Zone of Champions, part 3, Beach Volleyball (25:21)
Janet: Welcome back to the Zone of Champions, where all your favourite summer fair competitions are going down.
Sam: And by going down, we mean dropping like flies.
Janet: Right you are, Sam! Now for the gold-medal match of the Beach Volleyball tournament! This year we have Team Jerry’s Autobody vs Team Felicia’s Aesthetics.
Sam: Many will remember last year’s controversial finals, when Team Felicia stabbed their competitors with pimple extractors for a win by default.
Janet: Team Jerry’s Autobody is coming out now, in their signature green bikinis.
Sam (as Jerry, gruff): Howzit goin’, folks?
[Splat!]
Sam: And we’ve got our first casualty, Bernie from Jerry’s Autobody has keeled over from hypothermia.
Sam (as Jerry): Aw crap.
Janet: And the rest of his team, with no time to waste, simply kicks snow over his corpse.
Sam: And they’re off!
[Whistle, shouts, bops; tense, exciting music in background]
Janet: A beautiful serve from Nikki at Felicia’s Aesthetics, and as the ball sails through the air, gathers ambient ice from the atmosphere.
[Screams]
Sam: That’s right, Janet. Roger from Jerry’s Autobody attempts a dig, then loses both his forearms to the heavy, steely volleyball.
Janet: Taylor from Felicia’s Aesthetics attempts a spike, but finds that both feet are frozen to the ground.
Sam: The volleyball, now a solid boulder of ice, is inflicting unspeakable damage as it makes its way around the court.
Janet: You’ve got that right, Sam. Crashing past the line judge, the ball picks up ever more snow and ice…
[Rumbling]
Sam: And it’s heading straight for the bleachers!
[Screams, crashes]
Janet: Absolute chaos here at the beach volleyball pitch, and- [SFX tweet]
Janet: -yes, Felicia’s Aesthetics is poised to win. But what’s this?
[Crash]
Sam: Team Felicia’s Aesthetics has been crushed by an autobody! It’s the ol’ Subaru switcharoo!
Janet: Another enthralling beach volleyball match this year, as always. Now it’s time to check on the rest of the fair!
Blackout: Dunk Tank, part 2 (27:11)
Janet: I wonder how Principal Crindle is doing back at the dunk tank. Let’s pop over and see.
[Footsteps walking]
Janet: Aw, it’s closed for the day. Hey mister, is the dunk tank closed for the day?
Sam (as Boss, gruff): Yeah, we had to close up early.
Janet: Who are you?
Sam (as Boss): I run the games over in this part of the fair.
Janet: Aw, that’s too bad. Will Principal Crindle be back tomorrow?
Sam (as Boss): Eh, probably not.
Janet: What happened?
Sam (as Boss): Well, I was supposed to get this water heater thing, but I forgot so, you know, that’s on me.
Janet: Hey, don’t beat yourself up.
Sam (as Boss): That’s great advice, although he did die of hypothermia.
Janet: Aw, man. I really wanted to play the dunk tank.
Sam (as Boss): What about that nimrod you pal around with?
Janet: What, risk killing Sam for a carnival game? Hmm…
Sam (as Boss): No proceeds go to charity.
Janet: Okay, let’s do it. Saaaammm! Oh, Saamm! Where is that guy? …
Scene: Food Court (28:09)
(Character breakdown: Henrietta sounds a little slovenly but is cooly efficient all the same.)
Sam: I’m here at the Fair’s food court with Henrietta Chomp of Westdale Catering. What can I get here, Henrietta?
Janet (as Henrietta): We’ve got the perfect treats for a summer fair: lemonade, freezies, ice-cold beer.
Sam: Now, what makes this summer fair special is it’s in the dead of winter.
Janet (as Henrietta): Absolutely. At first, we tried “reversing” the food. Chilli frozen solid. Piping hot ice cream.
Sam: How’d that go?
Janet (as Henrietta): Terribly. At least we sold some freezies to the staff making the ice rink.
Sam: You know, when I went skating, I thought the ice tasted like grape flavour.
Janet (as Henrietta): You didn’t lick the ice just ‘cause it’s purple, did you?
Sam: No! When you’re done skating, you have to lick your skates or they’ll rust.
Janet (as Henrietta): Do you need a doctor, Sam? Should you really be unsupervised?
Sam: Let’s talk meals! Any popular winter options?
Janet (as Henrietta): Seeing as it’s still close to the holidays, we’re offering a full take-out turkey dinner.
Sam: Mmm, sounds great.
Janet (as Henrietta): A full turkey and stuffing, served in a styrofoam sack.
Sam: How about drinks?
Janet (as Henrietta): We’ve got hot apple cider, with apples from Brock Studman’s apple orchard.
Sam: He’s that retired porn star that started a cider company, right?
Janet (as Henrietta): Him and his frequent co-star, Misty Raines.
Sam: What a fun career change for him and Misty!
Janet (as Henrietta): He used to be in porn but now he’s in cider.
Sam: I’m glad no one listens to Work It or that might get some calls. But tell me, Henrietta, what’s been your biggest seller?
Janet (as Henrietta): Earlier, we were selling a lot of funnel cakes and that looked like our best seller. But then we ran out of batter!
Sam: What did you do?
Janet (as Henrietta): Well, we still had all this used oil from the deep fryer, so I just scooped it into bags for these Westdale pigs. Sales went up. Way up.
Sam: The food court’s biggest was just sacks of used frying oil?
Janet (as Henrietta): We had a line out the door. Whole families buying four sacks of oil and finding a corner where they can slorp it into their gaping mouths.
Sam: I don’t believe it.
Janet (as Henrietta): Watch this.
(Yells ‘off-screen’:)
Hey, piggies! Feedin’ time.
Sam: She’s pouring out a bucket of frying oil onto the ground and…
[Stampede and lots of pig noises, noisily eating]
Sam (terrified, pained): Get away from me! I’m a man, not a turkey dinner! Ah! This is Sam from Work It, devoured by pig-people.
Outro (30:21)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: There it is folks, episode 36 of Work It in the can. With Sam Palito as Nathan Jenkins “Job Creatin’” Aitkins. Follow Sam at twitch.tv/atlashugs. 
So concludes another edition of the Westdale Summer Fair. I hope they run it in the summer next year. Hated the episode? Fair enough.
Follow @workitpod on twitter, Facebook and instagram. Mastering by Alex Gilson.
[‘Bongo Madness’ fades out]