Ep. 035
Gig Me with a Spoon
Scene: Intro (0:00)
Sam: If you enjoy Work It, please consider visiting spookymag.com/subscribe to support the show. C’mon, you know we’re good for it!
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at the gig economy, which is mostly a big dog pile on Uber if I'm honest, please stay on the line. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to episode 35 of Work It where we’re talking all about the ‘gig economy.’
Hey, I’ve got a great idea. No, really, this is a really good one. What about if Quagmire invented an economy and it could be the ‘giggity gig economy’? Like how he says ‘giggity giggity’, but then it’s plus ‘gig economy’ like that economy, which is the one which is our topic today.
So sit back and enjoy the following episode of Family Guy, now in its 19th season on Fox, WUTV. Featuring Brian!
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues for a few seconds and fades]
Scene: Interview with Lyft (1:19)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet conduct an ‘interview’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with Lyft’s co-founders, John Zimmer and Logan Green.)
Sam: Now it’s time for Work It’s interview segment. Since we’re discussing the exploitation of precarious workers today, we figured who better to talk to than Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi!
Janet: But he was busy. So we went with Uber’s underperforming doppelganger, Lyft!
Sam: Yes, Janet & I are joined in the studio by Lyft co-founders John Zimmer and Logan Green.
Janet: Welcome, both. I’m so excited I could reach down my own throat and rip out my still-beating heart.
John Zimmer: There’s no way you’ll survive.
Janet: Oh yeah. Can I do it to you then, Zimmer?
Sam: Save it for after the interview, Janet. Logan Green, let’s talk about California’s Proposition 22, which you fought very hard to get passed.
Janet: This bill allows you to continue underpaying and overworking your drivers. Doesn’t that make you feel bad?
Logan Green: It’s actually sort of a fundamental part of our strategy.
Sam: Your strategy is to create a miserable work environment for, what, a few of your drivers?
John Zimmer: Every single driver.
Sam: My mistake, Zimmer.
Janet: Lyft is exploiting and crushing the dreams of all your drivers?
John Zimmer: I believe so.
Logan Green: Tens of thousands of drivers across the US.
Sam: Thanks for clarifying, LG. So, what is your worst nightmare- what do you dread the most in terms of your employees’ work experience?
Logan Green: Picking one career, one employer, staying for 30 years, and retiring on a pension plan
Janet: Okay, so your worst nightmare is for your employees to have job stability, be content enough to stay with one company through their careers, and be able to retire comfortably. Sam, can I rip their hearts out now?
Sam: Soon, Janet. John Zimmer, what do you want for your employees?
John Zimmer: No salary for many years.
Janet: Your ultimate dream is not to pay your workers at all. Have you found a way to do that yet?
John Zimmer: Lyft has not yet solved that.
Sam: Well, Prop 22 was an important first step for you there. But what’s next for Lyft, Zimmer?
John Zimmer: Now we’re on offense.
Janet: What, you’ll find a new brazen action against the well-being of your workers?
John Zimmer: Not one action, it’s a collection of actions.
Sam: What other actions are you looking at? Requiring your workers to swear an oath of fealty to Lyft?
Janet: Claiming their first-born children as a tithe?
Sam: Forcing them to worship you as gods?
John Zimmer: Yes.
Janet: Is that allowed?
Logan Green: I think that you can do that.
Janet: Huh.
Sam: Okay, last question for you both. We’ve talked a lot about your workers, but what have you always wanted for yourself? John Zimmer?
John Zimmer: I wanted to be a magician.
Sam: Now, see, why couldn’t you have stuck with something so benign and doomed to fail?
Janet: What about you, Logan Green? What have you always wanted for yourself?
Logan Green: Going deep.
Sam: Are you saying you’ve never, you know…gone deep…with anyone?
Logan Green: It’s true
Janet: So all you want is to “go deep”.
Logan Green: Twice a day, every day.
Janet: [Retches]
Logan Green: I think that you can do that.
Sam: What, I can do that? Or Janet? Or…or both of us???
Logan Green (with creepy effects – slowed down, awash in reverb): Twice a day, every day.
Sam & Janet: Noooooooooo! 
Sam (considering it): ...Well?
John Zimmer: I wanted to be a magician.
Janet: We heard you the first time, Zimmer.
Sam: Anyway, that’s all we have time for today. Thanks John Zimmer & Logan Green for being just absolute abominations with us today.
Janet: Truly, you’re both an insult to humanity.
[The scene begins fading out]
Sam: Janet, if you could do the heart-ripping-out thing?
Janet: Oh, sure. Open your mouths nice & wide, boys.
[The splort! of, like, a wet, gross meat sound]
Sam: Janet wins!
Janet: Fatality!
Blackout: Where Are They Now? (4:59)
(Character breakdown: Sam and Janet are both slightly more show business-y versions of themselves, like an entertainment show presenter; the Teen has a smarmy, old-timey wise guy voice, like a cartoon character version of a street tough; in the cutaways, Sam and Janet ‘interact with’ spliced clips from a Robin Yount interview and a Dabney Coleman movie.)
Sam (as Voiceover): Where are they now?
Janet: Are you caught up with the Kardashians?
Sam: Do you thrive on Real Housewives?
Janet: Um…
Sam: …Good joke, eh? ’Cause it rhymes, see? Yup, I'm a comedy master alright.
Janet (miserable): Holy f[censor beep]ck.
Janet (professional again): Well, celeb-heads, Work It presents *Where Are They Now*?
Sam: We caught up with some former celebrities who’ve had to take jobs in the gig economy!
Janet: Like regular working stiffs! Blech! Gross!
Sam: Robin Yount was a three time all-star in his 20 year career with the Milwaukee Brewers.
Janet: How times have changed! Now, Robin can be hired on TaskRabbit to do pest control – baseball bat and all!
[We cut to: A baseball bat hits the mice repeatedly, as they squeak in protest and regret]
Sam: Robin, you were a Major League Baseball star. Now you hit mice with a bat. How’s that feel?
Robin Yount: I can’t do the same thing over and over again or I get bored.
Janet: Good for you!
[We cut back:]
Sam: The uniform still fits!
Janet: Love that baby blue!
Sam: Dabney Coleman had a hugely successful career as an actor in the 70s, 80s and 90s. Drexell’s Class, anyone?
Janet: Nowadays, Dabney can be found driving for Uber.
[We cut to: A car door closes, as Janet gets in as a passenger]
Janet: Hi, Dabney Coleman. I’m going to the Westdale Mall to hang out with some teens.
Dabney Coleman: Get out of the car.
Janet: Are you lying to get me out of the car? Don’t want to take me to the mall, is that it?
Dabney Coleman: Check the right rear tire, it’s low.
Janet: No, it isn’t, Dabney. Hang on. Don’t tell me you’re scared of the Westdale Mall teens! They just smoke cigarettes and wear leather jackets, they’re really not that bad.
Dabney Coleman: It’s low, get out!
[The car door slams shut and the car skids away]
Janet (shouting after him): They’re only teens, Dabney! Teens!
[The sound of footsteps as the Teen sidles up to Janet]
Sam (as Teen): Whatsamatta, Janet? Ole man Coleman didn’t fall for it, eh?
Janet: Not this time, teen.
Sam (as Teen): More of a wise guy than we figured. We’ll get him yet. Dabney Coleman ain’t seen the last of us.
[We cut back:]
Sam: And that’s Where Are They Now?
Janet: If you’re interested in celebrities besides Robin Yount and Dabney Coleman, tune in next week.
Sam: [Whispers]
Janet: Correction: next week will also be about Robin Yount and Dabney Coleman. See you then!
Scene: Gig Man, part 1 (7:23)
(Character breakdown: Janet’s Voiceover is stagey, like an old radio presenter; the Robber and Dorothy have no defining characteristics; Gig Man is a bombastic hero, like a hammy, old Superman portrayal; the Teller is very obvious and unsubtle as he tries to buy time.)
Janet (as Voiceover): Coming this winter to C-H-A-M, CHAM radio…
[Bank ambience: murmurs, coins rattling]
Janet (as Voiceover): A peaceful day at the Westdale Bank. But what’s this??
Janet (as Robber): Okay everyone, this is a robbery. Stick’em up!
Sam (as Teller): Oh no!
Janet (as Voiceover): This looks like a job for…
Sam (as Teller): [whispering] Psst, Dorothy, do you have that superhero app on your phone?
Janet (as Dorothy, whispering): Ubermensch? Yeah. [pause] Uhh, k, he’s 2 blocks away.
Sam (as Teller): Oh geez.
Janet (as Voiceover): A job for…
Janet (as Robber): What’s the hold up you guys? Hand over the cash!
Sam (as Teller): Uh, sure, yeah, I’m right on it…
[The cash register opens: ch-ching!]
Janet (as Voiceover): This. is. a. job. for…
Sam (as Teller): [whispering] How long till he gets here?
Janet (as Dorothy): [whispering] Uh, 10 seconds.
Sam (as Teller): Okay here I go, putting cash into this sack. Let’s see, one dollar, two dollars…
Janet (as Robber): Get a move on!
[A big crash, as Gig Man bursts through the wall]
Sam (as Gig Man): Not so fast, robber!
[Heroic music plays in the background, continuous]
Janet (as Voiceover): Yes, at last, it’s the Gig Man!
Sam (as Teller): Yeah no kidding, there goes his tip, eh?
Sam (as Gig Man): Aw man, it’s rush hour!
Janet (as Dorothy): Gig Man quick, he’s getting away!
Sam (as Gig Man): Stop right there, Robber!
[Fighting: grunts, punches, etc.]
Janet (as Robber): You haven’t seen the last of me, Gig Man.
Janet (as Dorothy): Thank you, Gig Man!
Sam (as Gig Man): My pleasure! So, about that tip…
Sam (as Teller): Ugh fine, tip him a buck, Dorothy.
Sam (as Gig Man): Don’t use the app, the company keeps our tips.
Janet (as Voiceover): Yes, wherever evil lurks, wherever wifi is available, Gig Man will be there to save the day.
Sam (as Gig Man): For astonishingly little pay!
Sam (as Teller): Okay, okay. Here’s one dollar, two dollars…
[The heroic music fades out]
Scene: Rock Band Gig (9:27)
Sam: And now, a scene from the world of music. Where not all "gigs" are created equally…
[We cut to: A rock band finishes a song at band practice and starts noodling on their instruments, continuous in background, as the dialogue beings – tuning, playing riffs while talking]
Sam (as Singer): Alright, guys take it from the top.
Janet (as Bassist): Why bother, Brody, we’re never going to make it?
Sam (as Singer): Come on, Chaz. That’s why we hired a manager, remember? So Cherry Crush can finally get our big break!
Janet (as Bassist): Yeah, I guess you’re right. Hey, where is that guy?
[The metal door of the rehearsal room opens and the footsteps of their manager walk up]
Sam (as Manager): Boys, I got you a gig! Follow me, boys.
[The door opens and they all leave, as we cut to: the rumble of a car engine, as the band and manager have all piled into a running car]
Sam (as Manager): So what you do is, when you get a popup on your phone here, you go, you pick that person up, and you drop them off where they’re going.
Janet (as Bassist): That’s great, Sal, but when do we get to the gig part?
Sam (as Singer): Bring on the arenas!
Janet (as Bassist): And the chicks!
Sam (as Singer): Nice!
[Slap of a high-five]
Sam (as Manager): This is the gig.
Janet (as Bassist): Awww, man.
Sam (as Manager): Look fellas, you got to start somewhere, right?
Sam (as Singer) and Janet (as Bassist): Right.
Sam (as Manager): And record sales ain’t what they used to be, right?
Sam (as Singer) and Janet (as Bassist): Right.
Sam (as Manager): Well, boys, this is the gig economy. And in this economy, Cherry Crush is on Uber.
Janet (as Bassist): B-b-but – what about our fans?
Sam (as Manager): Well, in this scenario, you could say, uh, your passengers are your fans!
Janet (as Bassist): I tried to tell you, Brody, we’re washed up.
Sam (as Singer): No, we’re not. This could still work.
[Ping of a notification on their phone]
Sam (as Singer): Our first “fan”. Chaz, follow my lead.
[The car door opens and closes as a Passenger gets in]
Sam (as Singer): Hellllooo, passenger!
Janet (as Passenger): Uh, hi. Westdale Mall, please and hurry, I’m late for work.
Sam (as Singer): And here we go! Hit it!
[A cheesy, lame hard rock/hair metal song starts playing – including lyrics about “Big long legs and shaking hips” and asking “Hey! Do you really wanna dance with me?” – as the car swerves and skids all over the road to the honk!s of other motorists. As this is playing out, the frightened Passenger is shouting from the back seat]
Janet (as Passenger, ad lib; responding to lyrics): Hey, watch the road! You just blue through that red light, what are you doing? Look out! Did you just say “Big long legs and shaking hips”? Um, that’s inappropriate. No, I don’t “really want to dance with you,” are you crazy?! Get me to work now! Watch out for that truck!
[Cars are honking at our terrible drivers; the car skids to a stop]
Sam (as Singer): Here we are, Westdale Mall.
[The car door flies open and closed; the Passenger’s footsteps and screaming are heard as she runs away in terror]
Sam (as Manager): Way to go, boys! I knew you’d make the most of your big gig!
Janet (as Bassist): Thanks, Sal. You’re alright.
[The same song starts playing for a second, then they skid out and crash]
Scene: Planet Office, Freelancer, part 1 (12:03)
(Character breakdown: Narrator is a David Attenborough-type – a calming British documentary filmmaker and narrator; the Freelancer is a would-be chipper millennial worker struggling to stay motivated)
[The Planet Office theme song: a brief moody, dreamy sting]
Sam (as Narrator): Welcome back to Planet Office.
[A clock is slowly, noisily ticking]
Sam (as Narrator): We join a plucky little freelancer, preparing to begin her day of writing. She pours a coffee and settles in.
[Pouring coffee; rustling papers]
Janet (as Freelancer): Okay, what’s our content for today…86 Things to do in Burlington, you won’t believe #49. Cool, I can write that.
Sam (as Narrator): A busy day is in store for this artiste. Where will she begin?
Janet (as Freelancer): Hm…
[Pause; clock ticks]
Sam (as Narrator): Perhaps by starting her computer?
Janet (as Freelancer): Oh!
[Computer starting; pause]
Janet (as Freelancer): Here we go.
[Typing]
Janet (as Freelancer): 86 Things to Do in Burlington. #1: look at the lake. #2: ummm, go to the mall. They probably have a mall, right? #3- Hm.
[Typing stops; clock ticks]
Sam (as Narrator): Our freelancer proceeds cautiously through her work.
Janet (as Freelancer): [SFX typing] #3: get out of Burlington! Is that funny?
Sam (as Narrator): Cornered by a lack of inspiration, our freelancer desperately searches for an escape.
Janet (as Freelancer): How many words is that?…17…including numbers. Okay, a good start, now I just need to focus.
Sam (as Narrator): Our freelancer summons a burst of energy, and-
[Vacuum]
Sam (as Narrator): What on earth-
Janet (as Freelancer): Look, I can’t focus till this carpet’s clean.
Sam (as Narrator): Oh come now-
[Banging of a hammer]
Janet (as Freelancer): I’ll get right back to it, but I can’t write at this desk, Just need to build a new one!
Sam (as Narrator): Honestly-
[Buzzzzzing of a chainsaw]
Janet (as Freelancer): Just gonna knock this wall down real quick, open up some space for my thoughts.
Sam (as Narrator): What is wrong with you? Just do your work!!
Janet (as Freelancer): Um, I thought you weren’t supposed to interfere with your documentary subjects, Mr Narrator.
Sam (as Narrator): It’s Sir Narrator, and I have an ethical obligation to interfere when you suck this bad.
[A struggle between Narrator and Freelancer – grunts, threats, jostling of the mic]
Sam (as Narrator): Sit down at your desk, you malingerer!
Janet (as Freelancer): No! Ow! I’ll get to it!
[Theme music fades out]
Blackout: CFMU News Desk (14:19)
[News theme – exciting, lots of drums and beep, beeps bringing to mind… a news wire? I guess?]
Sam: And now, for bulletins from the CFMU news desk. First, the headlines.
Janet: Spelling bee moment warms the heart, as orphan asked to spell ‘family.’
Sam: Mayor completes colouring book.
Janet: A Westdale man spent last month living on a landfill to raise awareness. For more on that, here's me.
[We cut to: A landfill – seagulls caw and machines crunch through the detritus]
Janet: Congratulations, sir.
Sam (as Man, proud): Thank you.
Janet: And what are you raising awareness for?
Sam (as Man, stumped): I– I don’t know… voter fraud?
Janet: No.
Sam (as Man): Cancer? How’s cancer?
Janet: No.
Sam (as Man): ...Garbage?
[And we cut back to the studio:]
Janet: And now, to weather or not.
Sam: High chance of rain today.
Janet: Or not.
Sam: But sunny skies ahead tomorrow.
Janet: Or not.
Sam: That’s been weather or not.
Janet: In sports news, the Westdale Mischief-Makers, the city's professional prank team, rose to the top of the NPL standings with another elite performance on the road this weekend.
Sam: That’s right, Janet. Starting centre prankster, Jim Hackintosh, had this to say.
[We cut to the locker room, the clatter of weights in the background]
Sam (as Jim, out of breath): We knew if we could just come into town with the swagger we know we're capable of, we’d get a big two points.
Sam (as Reporter): And tell us about that first play?
Sam (as Jim): We replaced their stadium with a really big whoopee cushion.
Janet (as Reporter 2): And what happened?
Sam (as Jim): It sounded like a big fart.
[Cameras snap shots of the Pranking superstar, as reporters ask their questions]
Sam and Janet (as Reporters, ad libbing): Jim! Jim! Over here, Jim!
[And we cut back to the studio:]
Sam: And we’re wishing our hometown team the best of luck in the pranking quarter-finals.
Janet: Now, back to Work It.
Blackout: Ads (15:44)
(Character breakdown: Sir Gildersleeve is a valiant knight – except for when he’s confused; Dr. Smirlock sounds ‘nerdy’; the Usery ad’s voiceover sounds like a soothing pitchwoman; the Customers sound like bargain-basement voiceover actors; the User sounds like a slob; the Westdale ad’s voiceover is highly bureaucratic and professional.)
Text-to-Speech clip (heavily distorted): And now, the ads.
[Courtly, medieval-y music]
Sam (as Sir Gildersleeve, voiceover): Have you ever hired someone to do freelance work, but then, when they show up, they don’t know the first thing about knocking wicked Prince Sigmund from his black steed and winning honour for your maiden? Has this ever happened to you?
Well, no more, with Sir Gildersleeve’s Free Lance service! That’s right, for no fee whatsoever, I, Sir Gildersleeve of Bonn, will ply my lance in defence of justice and courtly manners. Dragon ravaging the countryside? I’m your free lancer. Local warlock spreading plague? He’ll taste my lance – my free lance!
But how do you make money offering free lance service, Sir Gildersleeve. That’s a great question!
[A beat]
Sam (as Sir Gildersleeve, voiceover, confused): Not sure; open to ideas.
Sam (as Sir Gildersleeve, voiceover, confident again): So come on down to Sir Gildersleeve’s Free Lance service, on Business Mountain, next to the dermatologist.
[We cut to: Innocuous, lame advertising music in background]
Janet (as Dr. Smirlock, voiceover): Boils got you down? Visit Dr. Smirlock’s Free Lance service, Westdale’s only free dermatologist. On Business Mountain, next to the strange, armoured man.
[We cut to: Modern advertising music in background]
Janet (as Voiceover):
In 2020, it’s a freelance world. Need a ride? Call an Uber. Need some food? Call Foodora.
Sure, these sound like great services to save time in your hectic day. But does it sometimes feel like you’re too busy to actually use these services?
No more, with the launch of Usery: that’s right, it’s Usery, the gig economy service where you hire someone to use your other gig economy services.
Sam (as Customer): Aw, I wish I could call an Uber but I’m just too busy.
Janet (as Voiceover): Think again! With Usery, you can outsource your Uber-rides to a precarious worker.
Sam (as Customer): That sounds too good to be true.
[Knock on the door]
Sam (as User): Yeah, I’m here to take your Uber for you. Where do you need me to go?
Sam (as Customer): Anywhere! Thanks, Usery.
[We cut to:]
Janet (as Customer 2): I wish I had time to eat my DoorDash food, but I’m just too swamped!
Janet (as Voiceover): Not with Usery, you’re not.
[Knock on the door]
Sam (as User): I’m here to eat your chicken chow mein.
Janet (as Customer 2): Usery, you’re a life saver.
Janet (as Voiceover): We sure are!
Sam (as User, eating): Mmf-gmf… Pretty good. Brrp! Soy sauce.
[We cut back to:]
Janet (as Voiceover): That’s right, it’s Usery. The app for when you’re too busy to use your other apps. The latest degradation from Westdale App Developers.
[Jingle for WAD: grinding, experimental, harsh ambient music, as a pitched-up helium voice sings, with monstrous, distorted, ominous laughter in the background:]
Sam (as chipmunk-like jingle singer, singing): Westdale App Developers, that’s us. WAD! WAD! WA–!
[We cut to: safe, dull advertising music in the background]
Sam (as Voiceover): The City of Westdale is hiring several freelance roles. We are thrilled to offer minimum wage and zero benefits for these amazing opportunities: window washer, junior administrative assistant, social media coordinator, Doctor, Police Chief, Mayor. Please create an account in the Westdale app to apply. And if you know anyone who can create a transit system or a fire department for cheap, that'd be really great too.
The work will be awarded to the lowest bidder. Westdale: Race for the Bottom! Together.
Scene: Planet Office, Freelancer, part 2 (19:22)
(Character breakdown: as in part 1, above)
[Planet Office music]
Sam (as Narrator): Welcome back to Planet Office. It is now the end of the day, and time to check up on our hardworking freelancer.
Janet (as Freelancer): Oh f[censor beep]ck. 
Sam (as Narrator): It is 11 o’clock pm. 
Janet (as Freelancer): F[censor beep]ck f[beep]ck f[beep]ck f[beep]ck f[beep]ck.
Sam (as Narrator): Our freelance writer has typed 17 words in her list of things to do in Burlington.
Janet (as Freelancer): Uuuuuuuggggghhhhhh.
Sam (as Narrator): The piece was due last week.
Janet (as Freelancer): Nooooooooooo.
Sam (as Narrator): As were all the other pieces on her to-do list.
Janet (as Freelancer): What did I even do all day??
Sam (as Narrator): Her emails are full of anxiety-inducing messages from editors.
Janet (as Freelancer): I’m the worst!!
Sam (as Narrator): If she’d listened to me she wouldn’t be in this predicament, but instead she’s brewing a fresh pot of coffee just as most people are going to bed for a well-deserved rest.
[Coffee pouring]
Janet (as Freelancer): I’ll pull one little all-nighter, clear my to-do list, start fresh tomorrow.
Sam (as Narrator): Ever the optimist, our freelancer finds renewed energy for-
[Snoring]
Sam (as Narrator): Ah.
[Snoring continues]
Sam (as Narrator): Join us tomorrow on Planet Office for…another day exactly like this one. And the last one. And the one before that.
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Gig Man, part 2 (20:43)
(Character breakdown: Gig Man and Voiceover are as above, in part one; the 2 ‘Goobers’ are like frat boy, stoner, losers.)
Janet (as Voiceover): Coming to your radio set on C-H-A-M, Westdale’s 11th-finest station.
Sam (as Goober 1): Come on man, get up!
Janet (as Goober 2): I can’t, man!
Sam (as Goober 1): You gotta get up, man. You gotta!
Janet (as Goober 2): You go on without me!
Janet (as Voiceover): 2 citizens in trouble??
Sam (as Goober 1): Wait, I know! Gimme my phone.
Janet (as Voiceover): This looks like a job for…
[A big crash, as Gig Man bursts through the wall]
Sam (as Gig Man): Fear not, good citizens!
[Heroic music plays in the background, continuous]
Janet (as Voiceover): Gig Man! Loyal protector of the people of Westdale, who have downloaded the Ubermensch app!
Sam (as Goober 1): Gig Man! Thank god you’ve come!
Sam (as Gig Man): What seems to be the problem, friend?
Janet (as Goober 2): We’re super sleepy and we’ve got a ton of studying to do.
Sam (as Gig Man): Go on…
Janet (as Goober 2): Can you do a Starbucks run for us? 2 venti soy lattes?
Sam (as Gig Man): Oh. Were you looking for Door Dash or one of those food apps?
Sam (as Goober 1): Ohhhh yeah, uh, that’s not you?
Sam (as Gig Man): Coupla door dasholes here…
Janet (as Goober 2): Look, we’ll give you like 5 stars.
Sam (as Gig Man): Uggggghhhhh…fine.
Janet (as Voiceover): Yes, Gig Man. Just…so desperate for opportunities to help the people of Westdale.
Sam (as Gig Man): You guys want cinnamon or anything on that?
Janet (as Voiceover): What will Gig Man’s next adventure entail? Find out this winter on CHAM radio
Janet (as Goober 2): Some nutmeg, maybe? Chocolate curls?
[The heroic music and dialogue fade out]
Sam (as Goober 1): Oh, in that case, I want vanilla curls.
Sam (as Gig Man, impatient): Those don’t exist.
Blackout: How the HR You? (22:20)
Janet (as Voiceover): How the H.R. you?
Sam: Welcome to “How the HR You?” where we answer listener questions about the world of jobs and work.
Janet: Mike in Etobicoke asks, “When did people start wearing overalls?”
Sam: Overalls were invented by Hillbilly Jim in 1984, in order to defeat the nefarious King Kong Bundy.
Janet: Sam, not all of the world’s great inventions occurred in the 1980s World Wrestling Federation.
Sam: Wrong again, Janet.
Janet: Ok, who invented… the Tesla coil?
Sam: Bushwhacker Butch?
Janet: It was Tesla, you moron. Tesla invented the Tesla coil.
Sam: Bushwhacker Luke?
Janet: Overalls were documented as a garment of American slaves in the late 18th century, and were mass produced by Levi Strauss about a century later.
Sam: Wow, Lévi-Strauss wrote “Tristes Tropiques” and invented the overalls. What a guy!
Janet: Not Claude Lévi Strauss, knucklehead. The man who first mass produced jeans.
Sam: The name you’re looking for is “Mean Jeans” Okerlund.
Janet (to self): What am I doing with my life?
Sam: Hope that answers your question, Mike. Sorry Janet is dumb and says dumb things. Can't be helped, she's real dumb.
Janet: Sigh. Let’s ask the people on the street what they think?
[We cut to: Street sounds, cars honking, pedestrians chatting, etc.]
Janet: You there, when did people start wearing overalls?
Sam (as Man on the Street): It was on a Tuesday – no, wait! A Thursday.
Sam: Ma’am, when did people start wearing overalls?
Janet (as Woman on the Street): You’ve got your underpants, your overalls – check out my new invention, the inbe-tweed jacket.
Sam: That sucks, lady. I'm a misogynist now.
Janet: Punk rocker, tell us: When were overalls invented?
Sam (as Punk Rocker): Overalls were invented by the Dead Kennedys in their song “California Über Alles” which translates to “California Overalls.”
[A brief clip of this song’s chorus plays, except all instances of ‘Über Alles’ are spliced out and replaced with a text-to-speech voice saying ‘Overalls’]
Scene: The Toilet Zone (24:19)
(Character breakdown: The Narrator is just a Rod Serling impression – he hosted Twilight Zone, kiddies; the Driver is a harried millennial type, trying to ‘hold it together’; the Passenger(s) are meathead, alpha gym bros.)
[Twilight Zone theme music]
Janet (as Narrator): You’re traveling through another dimension of work. A dimension not of decent pay and stability, but of precarity. A journey into a desperate life of exploitation, whose boundaries are that of the greediest corporate CEO. This is The Toilet Zone!
[Theme music swells, then fades; a toilet flushes, and we cut to: car driving]
Janet (as Narrator): We join a young woman driving for a ride-sharing app called Lyft. Little does she realise, her quiet life is about to become a nightmare.
[Car pulls up and stops; its door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Thanks for riding with Lyft! Say, have I driven you before?
Sam (as Passenger): Psh, no. I took a dump in the backseat, loser, have fun cleaning that up.
[Car door slam; car drives off]
Janet (as Driver): Oh, not again! Anyway, I guess all Lyft passengers start to look and act the same after a while.
Janet (as Narrator): Okay, so her life is already a nightmare. But it’s about to become a nightmare in the spooky sense.
[Car pulls up; door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Hi, ride for Cory?
Sam (as Passenger): Yeah, shut up & drive. So anyway, I said to her-
[Car driving]
Janet (as Driver): You know, you look just like the last guy I drove!
Sam (as Passenger, to Driver): I said, shut up.
Sam (as Passenger, into phone): -so anyway I told my old lady, you gotta lose that surgery weight or I’m takin off, and she’s like, stop being a jerk and I’m like you’re a jerk and- 
[the Passenger’s prattling fades slightly, as he keeps talking]
Janet (as Driver): Oh, he’s on the phone. sigh They’re always on their phone.
[Car pulls up; door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Here we are, thanks for riding with Lyft!
Sam (as Passenger): Get bent.
Janet (as Driver): Huh, and he took a dump in the backseat, just like that last guy! Oh well. Time for my next pick-up!
[Car pulls up; door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Hi, ride for…Cory? Wait…you again??
[Door slam, car driving]
Sam (as Passenger, same voice): Shut up & drive. So listen, I’m at the gym and some dude’s like bro, you’re so swole, and I’m like yeah I’m yoked man-
[Tense music fades in, in background]
Janet (as Driver): But- I just gave you a ride!
Sam (as Passenger): Uh, there goes your tip, weirdo. Nah man, I was talking to my driver. So I’m like dude, bro, it’s sick man-
Janet (as Driver): I swear I just gave a ride to someone who looked just like you!
Sam (as Passenger): Dude let me out here you’re harshing my vibes.
Janet (as Driver): Oh no!
[Car pulls up; door opens]
Sam (as Passenger): I took a dump in the backseat, loser.
[Tense music ends; car door slams]
Janet (as Driver): Am I going crazy? Are all alpha dude bros in Lyfts the same person? I know: I’ll do a LyftPool and pick up multiple riders. They can’t all be the same guy!
[Car pulls up; door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Hi, ride for…Cory?
[Tense music]
Sam (as Passenger): Yeah, shut up and drive. 
[Cory prattles on phone; car door slam, car drives; car pulls up, door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Hi, ride for…Cory?
Sam (as Passenger): Yeah, shut up and drive. Move over, bro.
Sam (as Passenger): Hop in, bro.
[Cory prattles on phone, over top of other Cory; the car door slams, car drives; car pulls up, door opens]
Janet (as Driver): Oh my god! Ride for Cory? Again??
Sam (as Passenger): Yeah, shut up and drive. Bros, move over dudes. 
[All Cories prattle on phone, getting louder]
Janet (as Driver): No…no! They’re all the same f[censor beep]cking unbearable gym bros! I can’t escape them! Why won’t they stop! No!
[Crash! of an accident]
Sam (as Passenger): Oh dude there goes her tip.
Janet (as Driver): Groans.
Sam (as Passenger): Looks like she needs medical attention.
Sam (as Passenger): Yeah too bad she doesn’t have benefits. Loser!
Sam (as Passenger): Hey let’s take a dump in the backseat and bail! Guffaw.
Janet (as Narrator): Yes, for this driver, every gig is a nightmare in…the Toilet Zone!
[Brief theme music, toilet flushes]
Scene: Sam & Janet Join the Gig Economy (27:48)
(Character breakdown: Sam and Janet play themselves, except when they’re DJs on other shows; Janet hosts the sports show like a cocksure DJ; Sam hosts the music show like a ‘smooth,’ easy-listening DJ till he panics; Janet hosts the drive-time show like a shock jock, with Sam as one of her ‘crew’ of oddballs; Grum and Grum Jr. sound like cavemen who speak in grunting English.)
[Elevator muzak in the background]
Janet: Today on Work It, we’re talking about the gig economy.
Sam: Yup! We sure are.
Janet: (whispering)
Well, go on. Do your lines.
Sam (whispering): I didn’t have time to write any.
Janet: Oh, come on.
Sam: Not to worry, not to worry. I’ve been taking improv. Umm… can I get a suggestion from the audience of a place you’re likely to find, uh, the gig economy? How about you, ma’am?
Janet: For the listeners, Sam is looking at me as if I’m not the only other person here on the radio show.
Sam: I heard “radio show,” great. Uh…
Sam (doing very stilted improv): Well, another day at the radio show. With my guest Jack Nicholson!
Sam (doing a terrible impression): “I’d like a plain omelette, no potatoes on the plate, a cup of coffee–“
Janet: What the f[censor beep]ck, Sam, you had one f[beep]cking job and you can’t even do that right?!
Sam: Well, I’m sorry. I'm barely scraping by thanks to a little something called the gig economy. I’m on godd[censor beep]mn Foodora delivering godd[beep]mn Happy Meals to Westdale's godd[beep]mn corpulent elite.
Janet: Oh, boo hoo. I’m cat-sitting a cantankerous woman’s even more cantankerous feline on TaskRabbit while writing someone’s dissertation on Fiverr. Ever tried citing Derrida with a claw in your eyeball? It ain’t pretty!
Sam: Enough’s enough. It’s a gig economy world, Janet, it’s time we were on the winning end of it!
Janet: Yeah! Let’s use one of these godforsaken apps to hire some gig workers to do Work It for us.
Sam: We’re three episodes into the season here. We deserve another extended break!
Janet: Okay.
[Clacking of a keyboard]
Janet (typing and reading aloud): “Needed: 2 creative people to write, perform, edit radio show for audience of dozens.”
Sam: Dozens?
Janet: “…for audience of dozen. No pay. Actually costs money. Some exposure, though mostly just to your Facebook friends who feel embarrassed for you.”
Sam: Now we just sit back and wait for the gig economy to do its thing.
[The background music stops...]
Sam (as Voiceover): One “gig economy doing its thing” later.
[...And the background music resumes]
Janet: Thank you for applying–
Sam (as Grum): Grum.
Janet: Thank you for applying, Grum.
Sam: And you too–
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Grum.
Sam: Also Grum?
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Junior.
Sam (as Grum): He son. Me Grum.
Janet: Well, Grum and, uh, Grum Jr., this is the mixing board and here’s the record button and, yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Sam: Thanks for taking over Work It for us! If you need anything, just ping us on Slack.
Sam (as Grum): Slack? What is?
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Is app. Grum like. Has Giphy.
Sam (as Grum) and Janet (as Grum Jr., both chanting): Gi-phy! Gi-phy!
Sam: This is the right decision.
Janet: Later, Grums.
[Footsteps and the opening and closing of the studio door]
Sam (as Grum): What do?
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Comedy scene!
Sam (as Grum): Me hit you head.
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Okay!
[Clonks of a bat hitting Grum Jr. repeatedly]
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Ow! Ow! Ow!
[We cut to: the sounds of the beach – seagulls cawing, waves lapping, people chatting and having fun]
Sam: Ah, the beach for some much needed R&R.
Janet (calling to someone ‘off-stage’): You there! Another round of cheep hooch in a coconut, please!
[Notification from a cell phone]
Janet: What’s that?
Sam: Oh, nothing, just an invoice for Grum and Grum Jr.
[A beat]
Oh no! Oh, no no no!
Janet: What’s the matter, Sam?
Sam: Janet, they invoiced us for $15. I don’t have that kind of money!
Janet: This is the gig economy! Do they think we’re rich or something?!
Sam: What are we gonna do?
Janet: Uh… robbery!
Sam: Janet, did you pack our ski-masks?
Janet (embarrassed): No.
Sam: And how ‘bout our Colt M4 Carbines, did you pack those?
Janet: No…
Sam: So I guess robbery’s off the table, isn’t it?
Janet: Well, I don’t see you coming up with any ideas.
Sam: I’ve got it! Look, we hired gig economy workers to do our show, right?
Janet (cluing in): …Think how much we could make hiring out our own radio services!
Sam: Now, let’s find some other radio shows we can do as gig workers.
[Harp plays, signalling a fade out; as it does, we hear Sam and Janet flipping through a newspaper’s classifieds]
Sam and Janet (ad libbing): Ooh, how ‘bout this one? …This one looks good.
Here’s one… This one looks perfect.
[We cut to:]
Sam (as Grum): Up next, sport talk.
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Ballfoot?
Sam (as Grum): Football! That it. Hit you time.
[Clonks of a bat hitting Grum Jr. repeatedly]
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Ow! Ow! Ow!
[We cut to: Hard rock sting, followed by hockey arena organ music in the background]
Janet: You’re back with Penalty Box on CFMU, where we’re taking your calls. Line 1, you’re on the air.
Sam (as Caller): Do the Leafs need to trade for a solid d-man?
Janet: If you can get yourself a man with a solid ‘d’, you make that trade. Know what I mean?
Sam (as Caller): Uhhh…
Janet: I mean his d–
[And we cut to: Smooth hip-hop playing in background]
Sam: It’s the CFMU Countdown, with DJ Sammy Smooth playing the hits. Now then, where’s my playlist?
[Paper rustling]
Sam: Ah, here.
Sam (reading off paper): “Most requested songs of November ’20…”. This must be it. I don’t need to read the first two digits of the year. Number 10!
[A very scratchy record from 1920 plays in background]
Sam: What the? Hang on…
Sam (reading, panicked): “Nineteen-twenty”?! Oh god, I grabbed the wrong playlist! Think, Sam, think. I’ve got it!
Sam (feigning composure): That’s right, friends, it’s Carl Fenton's Orchestra with a new, uh, remix from Post Malone.
[On top of the jazz record, a Post Malone acapella is added]
Sam: Enjoy?
[We cut to: Music like from an 80s action/sports movie plays in background]
Janet: You’re listening to CFMU Morning Zoo, I’m Janet Stern and this little freak is Sam the Diaperboy.
Sam: How’s it goin’, Stern?
Janet: Ugh, Sam, what stinks?
Sam: Yeah, it’s my diapers. Whaddya gonna do?
Janet: Hey Sam, show us your t[censor beep]ts, wouldja? Woah, getta load o’ those honkers!
Sam: Thanks, Janet.
Janet: Those are some primo cans.
Sam: Thank you, thank you. I try.
[We cut back to: Elevator muzak in the background]
Sam (as Grum): Sam, Janet.
Janet: Yes, Grum.
Janet (as Grum Jr.): CFMU let you go.
Sam (as Grum): Work It no funny. No funny at all.
Sam: Well, we tried.
Janet: Sayonara, Grums.
Janet (as Grum Jr.): Forgetting something?
Sam (as Grum): 15 dollar something?
Sam: I’ve got it here somewh– run, Janet, run!
Sam (as Grum): I grab!
Janet (as Grum Jr.): I hit!
[Clonks of a bat hitting Sam and Janet repeatedly]
Sam and Janet: Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Fade out]
Scene: Gig Man, part 3 (33:45)
(Character breakdown: Gig Man and Voiceover are as above, in parts one and two; Diabolical Man is hammy in a nefarious way – or vice versa; Accomplice Man is very weasley and wheedling.)
Janet (as Voiceover): This winter on CHAM radio…
Janet (as Diabolical Man): Heh heh heh…I’ve got a plan to conquer this city once and for all!
Sam (as Accomplice): But Diabolical Man, what will we do about the freelance superhero Gig Man? Everyone has his Ubermensch app!
Janet (as Diabolical Man): I know just what to do.
[Beeps from Diabolical Man’s phone]
Janet (as Voiceover): Could it be??
[A big crash, as Gig Man bursts through the wall; heroic music plays in the background, continuous]
Sam (as Gig Man): Never fear, good citizens of- wait just a minute…Diabolical Man! The most diabolical man in Westdale!
Janet (as Diabolical Man): Thank you for joining my little party, Gig Man.
Sam (as Gig Man): And your nefarious accomplice, Accomplice Man!
Sam (as Accomplice): Howzitgoin, eh?
Janet (as Diabolical Man): Gig Man, we are going to take over this city.
Sam (as Gig Man): Never!
Janet (as Diabolical Man): And you’re going to help.
Sam (as Gig Man): What makes you think I would ever help you, my mortal enemy??
Janet (as Diabolical Man): I have hired you through your very own app. If you wish to receive payment, you must help me.
Sam (as Gig Man): Zounds! And I’m so short on rent for my bachelor suite of solitude!
Janet (as Voiceover): Will Gig Man escape the clutches of Diabolical Man? Will his 4.8-star rating remain intact??
Sam (as Accomplice): Can you get me a latte, too?
Sam (as Gig Man): It’ll cost extra, y’know!
Janet (as Voiceover): Find out this winter! Assuming production resumes…these are unpredictable times…
[The heroic music fades out]
Outro (35:20)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: There it is folks, episode 35 of Work It, in the can.
We hope you’ll rate us 5 stars at @workitpod on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. If our rating on any one of our gig economy apps dips at all, we’ll starve and die. So unless you’re one of the Uber strategists or lawyers in VP Elect Harris’ immediate family, maybe you’ll show some compassion for working podcasters like us.
Mastering by Alex Gilson. spookymag.com
[‘Bongo Madness’ fades out]