Ep. 034
Generation Gapping Out
Scene: Intro (0:00)
Sam: If you enjoy Work It, please consider visiting spookymag.com/subscribe to support the show. C’mon, you know we’re good for it!
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at generations, featuring our typical millennial cynicism and resentment of boomers, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to episode 34 of Work It, where we’re looking at the generation gap at work: millennials vs. boomers vs. zoomers vs. an infant listening to Rumors. 
[Brief clip of ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac; then ‘Bongo Madness’ resumes]
Sam: And while I’m just playing pop music here and while we’re talking ‘generation gaps’, I’d like to get something off my mind. In The Wipers’ song “No Generation Gap”, does Greg Sage say he could write a “long long novel about the situation that presents”?
[Brief clip of this ambiguous lyric from The Wipers’ ‘No Generation Gap’; then ‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Or does he, as I suspect, try to say ‘persists’, but says the nonsense word ‘presists’ instead? In which case, I’m skeptical that he could, in fact, write a ‘long long novel.’ Anyway, here’s the show.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues for a few seconds and fades]
Blackout: Vox Pop 1, (1:34)
(Character breakdown: the boomer sounds like a sweet old lady; the millennial is out of breath, like he’s been rushing about)
[Street noises – this is a ‘reporter on the street’/vox populi scene]
Janet: Hello everyone, welcome to the busy streets of downtown Westdale. We’re here talking to members of various generations to see if we can find some common ground.
Sam: To begin, we want to know what they think about expanding labour rights for gig economy workers. Let’s start with a baby boomer.
Janet (as Boomer):  I’m sorry dear, can you repeat the question?
Sam: What do you think of expanding labour rights for app-based gig workers.
Janet (as Boomer): Dearie, I haven’t the faintest clue what that means.
Sam: You know, for Uber Eats and stuff.
Janet (as Boomer): Oh, those bicycle delivery fellows? They’re worth less than the dirt under my feet. I chase them with my car for sport. Would you like a candy?
[Crinkling plastic of a candy wrapper]
Janet: Let’s see what a millennial has to say.
Sam (as Millennial): Uhh, yeah. Yeah, labour protections for gig workers sounds pretty great to me.
Janet: Some people worry that it’ll make costs go up, or will scare away business.
Sam (as Millennial): Listen, you tell them. I’m 38 years old with 2 Masters degrees, and a dog, and Uber Eats delivery is the only work I can get. Please. Tell them I need a contract.
Janet: Even if fair labour practices hurt Uber’s bottom line?
Sam (as Millennial): Look, I’ve got 15 minutes to deliver this Starbucks muffin to a mansion in Westdale Heights, or my rating’s gonna go way down. It was nice talking to you.
[Ding of a bike bell; a car engine roars, there’s a crash and the scream of panicked witnesses]
Janet (as Boomer): I got another one!
Janet: Let’s see what the Silent Generation thinks.
[Complete silence 4 seconds]
Scene: Generation Showdown (3:13)
[Upbeat, exciting game show theme plays, continuous except where indicated]
Janet (as Announcer): Coming this month to CHAM, Westdale channel 4-and-a-half, it’s Generation Showdown, the game show that pits boomers against zoomers!
Sam (as Boomer contestant): You’ll never match wits with me, snowflake!
Janet (as Zoomer contestant): Lay off the Cialis, gramps! The blood’s leaving your brain!
Janet (as Announcer): Featuring trivia!
Sam (as Host): Name a musician who is remotely good.
[Buzzer of a contestant buzzing in]
Sam (as Boomer): Joni Mitchell!
[Clip of Joni Mitchell’s horrendous ‘My Old Man’]
[Bzzzzzzt! Wrong answer buzzer]
Janet (as Zoomer): Powfu feat. beabadoobee!
[Clip of Powfu’s song ‘Coffee’ that, as of these notes has 237 million views on YouTube, and that us ancient hosts of Work It have never heard of. Go figure.]
[Bzzzzzzt! Wrong answer buzzer]
Janet (as Announcer): The obstacle course!
Janet (as Zoomer): I’m not in the right headspace to run an obstacle course right now.
[Bzzzzzzt! Wrong answer buzzer]
Sam (as Boomer): Can’t you see I’m watching golf?
[Bzzzzzzt! Wrong answer buzzer]
Janet (as Announcer): And the swimsuit competition!
[The game show music is interrupted by David Rose’s “The Stripper,” the classic burlesque music]
Sam (as Boomer, flirtatiously): How do I look?
Janet (as Zoomer, horrified): Grandpa! I said, lay off the Cialis!
[Bzzzzzzt! Wrong answer buzzer]
Janet (as Announcer): Generation Showdown! Coming soon to CHAM.
Scene: Boomer Intern (4:18)
(Character breakdown: Brenda is a sweet-sounding – at first! – older woman.)
Sam and Janet: Groan!
Sam: Hey, what’s wrong with you, Janet?
Janet: Sam, our show is so much work! I want to reflect on last week’s election, and the details of its aftermath which are of course well known at the time of this conversation, but I’ve got all this dumb Work It stuff to do!
Sam: Truly, the events of the election that happened a week and a half before this episode airs are worth reflecting on.
Janet: Yes. Anyway, what’s wrong with you?
Sam: Oh, I just wish Work It had more cross-generational appeal. We’re a huge hit with millennials, but older people hate us!
Janet: Say…
Sam: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Janet: Let’s quit Work It and get our free time back??
Sam: Oh, uh. I was thinking we should hire a baby boomer intern to help us with all this work, and help us appeal to an older audience.
Janet: Oh.
Sam: In fact, I have a great candidate waiting outside! I’ll call her in for an interview. Hey, Brenda!
[The door opens; outside, the wind is howling; the door closes (and with that, the sound of the wind stops]
Sam: Sorry to keep you waiting.
Janet (as Brenda): Oh it’s nothing, my dear. A little frostbite never hurt anyone.
Sam: Brenda, meet Janet. And Janet, this is Brenda the Woke Boomer. I met her on the bus.
Janet (as Brenda): Yes, it’s true, I’m very woke and I only take public transit. Save our planet!
Janet: So you want to be an intern with us, Brenda?
Janet (as Brenda): Yes, I’d love a community-minded project for my golden years. Oh, incidentally, I make the most delicious Jell-o salads!
[The Jell-o makes squishing and wobbling noises]
Sam & Janet: Ewwwww.
Janet (as Brenda): Eat up, you two!
[Utensils strike the plate]
Sam & Janet (insincerely):  Oh, yum yum. Isn’t this delicious, etc.
Sam: Now, Brenda, we’ve got a few questions. You know that Work It is a pretty progressive show. In what way are you a “woke” boomer?
Janet (as Brenda): Well for starters, you know, I would have voted for Obama a third time.
Janet: Are you American?
Janet (as Brenda): Nooo.
Sam: Um, any other examples?
Janet (as Brenda): Well, you see, I strongly believe that diversity is our strength.
Janet: Okay, well that’s-
Janet (as Brenda): Yes, I tell that to the nice man at the grocery store every day, so he knows I’m on his side.
Sam: Oh no…Uh, we’re looking for more, like, tangible actions. Maybe you donate to a worthy cause?
Janet (as Brenda): You know what I like to do when I want to be diverse? I get shawarma. Ever heard of that? I don’t like it much, you know, too much flavour, but they’re always so surprised to see someone like me being diverse.
Janet: Brenda…
Janet (as Brenda): That’s another thing I tell the nice man at the grocery store! “Diversity is our strength, and sometimes I get shawarma.” Now I’m not sure where he’s from, one of those countries-
Sam: Brenda, I’m not sure this is gonna work out.
Janet (as Brenda): Oh- isn’t it?
[Tense, suspenseful music fades in]
Janet: Wait. Sam…I don’t feel so good…
Sam: Janet?? What’s happening?
Janet (as Brenda): Oh dear, it would be a shame if I…poisoned the Jello salad!
Janet: [Groans in pain]
Sam: You poisoned us??
Janet (as Brenda): Yes! With the two of you out of the way, at last I can take over your awful show! The world will get a brand new Work It! A palatable one!
Janet (struggling; barely croaking out words): But…but why?
Janet (as Brenda): Because what society needs is unchallenging, centrist messages! Up the status quo! Up the boomer-friendly content!
Sam: Oh no!
Janet: Farewell…Work It…
[Splat!]
Janet (as Brenda): Heh heh heh…all too easy. Now let’s see, first order of business is to call up the Lincoln Project.
[She picks up a phone from its cradle – not that phones are in cradles anymore...]
Sam: Not so fast, Brenda!
Janet (as Brenda): Gasp! Sam! But- but there was enough strychnine in that Jell-o to kill a rhinoceros! I tested it!
Sam: Ah, but that’s where you made your fatal, baby boomer error. You didn’t check our dietary restrictions, and you see…I’m a vegan.
Janet (as Brenda): …and?
Sam: And, Jell-o has gelatin in it!
Janet (as Brenda): …so?
Sam: So, gelatin is made from animal products!
Janet (as Brenda): Huh! You know, I had no idea!
Sam: Anyway, I only pretended to eat it. Now it’s time to take out the boomer trash!
[They grunt and yell as they grapple and fight]
Sam: Ow ow ow, that hurts! Oh, if only Janet was still alive to protect me!
Janet: Never fear, Sam!
Janet (as Brenda): gasps Janet! But- but surely you’re not a vegan, too?
Janet: No, but I’ve developed a strychnine tolerance from years of eating pesticides.
Sam: I thought you were dead!
Janet: Just an unrelated illness from some arsenic I also ingested today. Now then. Have at you, Brenda!
[Now, they all grunt and struggle as if fighting]
Janet (as Brenda): Argh! Alright, you win - Work It can go back to broadcasting those socialist fart jokes…for now. The center will rise again!!
[The patter of feet running away, then the slam of a door]
Sam: Wow Janet, that was close! But at least now we can go back to…devoting every moment of our spare time…to this show… [dawning realisation] Oh no.
[A beat – a pause, in other words]
Janet: Arsenic?
Sam: Yes please.
Blackout: CFMU News Desk (4:18)
[Compelling news theme plays continuous in background]
Sam: And now, for bulletins from the CFMU news desk. First, the headlines.
Janet: Panic turned to delight at a rogue Tim Horton’s, with the release of their new ‘flesh’ donut.
Sam: Mayor finds wallet, loses election.
Janet: Westdale mathematician invents number.
Sam: And now, to sports.
Janet: I recently caught up with members of the Westdale Tigerdogs ahead of their big game against the students of Westdale Primary to decide the OCFL, or Other Canadian Football League, championship.
(In this cutaway, Janet conducts an ‘interview’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with Simoni Lawrence, Dane Evans and Orlondo Steinauer of the Hamilton TiCats)
[News theme fades; ambient stadium and work-out sounds]
Janet: Simoni, after a devastating fumble last game, your teammates shot an arrow in your chest with a crossbow. How does it feel?
Simoni: It’s still in my heart, it still hurts, it still hurts. And I feel like the only way for me to be able to remove that feeling is to win one with my teammates.
Janet: Dane, in addition to being a quarterback, you’ve also broken into producing films. Your first feature opens this Friday. Tell us about Gigli 2.
Dane: We– I’m saying we as in guys that weren’t there, guys that are young like me – we can learn from past experiences, there’s no reason we have to repeat the same mistakes and learn from it.
Janet: Orlondo, you’ve faced criticism for your recent song cycle “North Korea: The One True Nation.” Care to comment?
Orlando: I know their leader very well.
Janet: Will the Tigerdogs’ can-do attitude be enough to defeat Mrs. Murfree’s grade 2 class on Sunday? In this reporter’s opinion: no.
[The stadium ambience ends; news music resumes in background]
Sam: Thank you, Janet. And now for the weather. It’s a *little* cold out. Not, like, cold cold but not super-warm either. I’m wearing a hoodie and I’m fine. My body temperature’s kind of weird, though. You’ll probably think it’s cold, actually, but maybe not.
Janet: Thank you, Sam. This has been the CFMU news desk. And now, back to Work It.
[News music fades out]
[Sound effect of a distorted, robotic voice counting down, like a NASA rocket launch: 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 0; we hear the sound of rockets booting, and then, once the countdown hits zero, they stop and we hear: pffft! A big, wet fart noise. Sophisticated stuff.]
Blackout: Vox Pop 2, (12:04)
(Character breakdown: the boomer sounds like a pompous windbag; the Gen-X woman is an oversexed, overconfident ‘cougar’; the Gen Z is a smug and condescending know-it-all, albeit well-intentioned)
[Ambient street noise]
Janet: We’re back on the streets of downtown Westdale, hearing from different generations about important issues.
Sam: Let’s see what people have to say about moving to a 4-day work week. We’ll start with a baby boomer.
Sam (as Boomer): A 4-day work week! Reprehensible! Back before I retired, I worked 17-hour days 6 days a week, and it never did me any harm.
Janet: Wasn’t that in violation of labour laws?
Sam (as Boomer): What else was I going to do with my time? Spend it with my wife, trying on brassieres and negligées? Ooh la la, fancy boy!
Sam: Let’s see what a Gen Xer has to say about a 4-day work week.
Janet (as Gen X): Oh my god, one more night a week to get my drank on with my ladies? Wine moms assemble!
Sam: So you’d use the extra day off to recapture lost youth?
Janet (as Gen X): Honey, this ass and these fillers say I’m 53 going on 20. How about a threesome?
Janet: Let’s hear from Gen Z now.
Sam (as Gen Z): Wow, a 4-day “work” week? Um, does that mean parents performing unpaid labour in the home get 3 days off, too? Does that mean shift workers in the hospitality industry can spend 20% less time serving the pampered elite and still earn the same wages?
Janet: Oh, I just meant, like, normal work-
Sam (as Gen Z): Ohhh coolcoolcool, so we’re gonna keep normalising salaried work in corporate offices as the only real kind of work, coolcoolcoolcoolcool I see.
Janet: Look, kid, no one is more progressive than me on this show, got it? Gimme that mic! [grunting sounds]
Sam (as Gen Z): Ow! Quit it, you fascist! Waaahh, mommy!
[Sounds of a struggle – grunting, fumbling, static]
Sam: Now let’s hear from the Silent Generation!
[Complete silence for 4 seconds]
Scene: Dr. Farber, (14:07)
Janet: Now, it’s time to hear your thoughts on boomers vs. millennials.
Sam: Let’s go to the phones. Line 1, you’re on with Work It.
[Phone rings, gets picked up]
Janet (as Elderly Caller): I’ve got no problem with boomers, zoomers, Laura Loomers – but what I really don’t get is humour!
Janet: You and us both, caller.
[Click! Phone is hung up; next line rings, gets picked up]
Janet: Line 2, you’re on the air.
Sam (as Millennial Caller): I actually like to think of myself more as a Willennial.
Janet: And what’s that exactly?
Sam (as Millennial Caller): It’s basically a millennial, with a Will Smith reference.
Sam: Thanks for the call.
Sam (as Millennial Caller, rapping): West, Jim West, Desp–
[Click! Phone is hung up; next line rings, gets picked up]
Sam: Line 3, welcome to Work It.
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Yes, this is Doctor Bertram Farber calling.
Janet: No!
Sam: The Bertram Farber?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Doctor Farber, yes.
Sam: My goodness, welcome to Work It, Dr. Farber.
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Thank you, always happy to discuss this topic.
Janet: For our listeners, Dr. Farber is one of Westdale’s top researchers. And his specialty is this very subject: the empathy gap between boomers and millennials.
Sam: Dr. Farber, please tell us about your latest work.
Neil (as Dr. Farber): I wanted to prove that all these groups needed to become more empathetic was to “walk a mile in each other’s shoes”.
Janet: And how did you test this?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): I just told you.
Sam: What do you mean?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): What do you mean “what do you mean”? I literally just told you.
Sam: Sure, so metaphorically you had them walk a mile in each other’s shoes, but what did you do?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Well, like I said, we made them walk a mile in each other’s shoes. I really can’t be any clearer.
Sam (laughing): No! 
[A beat]
Sam (incredulous): Seriously?
Neil (as Dr. Farber, confident): A truly pioneering study! We invited 50 boomers and 50 millennials to the lab for a paid experiment and, when they got there, we made them swap shoes.
Janet: And then what?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): They walked around the parking lot.
Janet: So they literally walked a mile in each other’s shoes?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): At first, yes. But the results were inconclusive! So they kept walking: two miles, three miles, four… hundred.
Sam: Four hundred miles, oh my god!
Neil (as Dr. Farber): They were whining: “When do we get paid?” and “I need to get back before my family reports me missing.” Babies.
Sam: How did you even convince them to stick around that whole time?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): I pointed to the study’s scientific merit.
Janet: Well, that’s good I guess.
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Oh, and I had a gun.
Janet: You threatened their lives?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Oh yeah, that’s the great thing about guns.
Sam: Oh my god!
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Some good it did! I remember this one old crone crying about how her “ankles hurt from the Birkenstocks she was wearing.”
Janet: The poor woman!
Neil (as Dr. Farber): But when I asked her to rate her empathy levels, she just passed out.
(sarcastic)
Yeah, thanks a lot, lady! Big help for science.
Sam: So, you had millennials and boomers, walking around, passing out, and then, what? You sent them home?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): In science, you have to be persistent. Did Albert Einstein discover space on his first try or his hundred and first try?
Janet: I’m pretty sure he didn’t “discover space.”
Neil (as Dr. Farber): After this failure, we moved onto the second phase: perhaps they needed to really live as one another.
Sam: How’d you do that?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): We made the boomers stay up all night drinking PBR and posting memes. And for the millennials, we cuffed each of them to a walker and force-fed them mush.
Janet: And this experiment lasted one night, did it?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Janet, did Isaac Newton invent apples on his first try or hundred and first try?
Janet: Oh dear.
Neil (as Dr. Farber): No, I made them drink beer and eat slop for four months.
Sam: And the police never came looking for them or anything?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): You kidding me? The Westdale Police couldn’t catch a cold.
Janet: Well, Dr. Farber, I think I speak for both of us when I say this is absolutely criminal and I’m calling the police.
[Beep-boop-beep as she dials 9-1-1]
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Report Work It for dorky interview questions while you’re at it.
Janet: Why, I never!
Sam: I just hope our city services can help these millennials and boomers heal.
Neil (as Dr. Farber): Interesting. Perhaps they could have…
Janet: What, you mean, you didn’t release your subjects to health care professionals to recover?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): It’s not a bad idea, now that you mention it. But, no, I just put them in my science cave.
Janet: Your “science cave”?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): It’s just this cave in Westdale Bog where I put all my dumb, old science crap. I’m sure they’re fine.
Sam: Before we let you go, what conclusions did you end up with after all your terrible work?
Neil (as Dr. Farber): I have concluded that boomers are about 60 years old, but millennials are about 30.
Janet: Okay, well, it’s been awful talking to you Dr. Farber and I hope you rot in jail.
[Police sirens fade in; their car doors open and they start shouting, and then – pigs will be pigs – open fire]
Neil (as Dr. Farber): You’ll never take me alive, coppers!
[A massive shootout ensues]
Neil (as Dr. Farber): For science!
[The shootout continues, and is cut of by a click and a dial tone]
Scene: Gold & Locks (19:04)
[Whimsical fairy-tale music. The sounds of birds twittering and a babbling brook]
Janet (as Narrator): Once upon a time there was a happy little tech company called Gold & Locks Ltd. One day, Mr Gold - or possibly Mr Locks - went to a middle manager and said,
Sam (as Mr. Gold/Locks): Middle manager, I want you to go out into the workforce and find some new staff. But make sure to recruit from an age bracket that’s well-suited to our company!
Janet (as Narrator): And so, the brave middle manager set off on her quest for workers from a fitting age bracket. She searched high and low…
Janet (as Middle manager: Gee,
Janet (as Narrator): The middle manager said,
Janet (as Middle Manager): I hope I can find just the right fit for our company!
Janet (as Narrator): One day, she decided to evaluate candidates on their obedience to superiors. First, she tried a millennial.
Sam (as Millennial Worker): I’m a very creative worker. I appreciate guidance and feedback, but resent micro-management.
Janet (as Middle Manager): This worker is too free-spirited!
Janet (as Narrator): Said the middle manager. Next, she tried a baby boomer.
Sam (as Boomer Worker): I have many decades of experience under my belt! I hope my supervisors will value my input.
Janet (as Middle Manager): This worker is too set in his ways!
Janet (as Narrator): Cried the middle manager. Finally, she tried an automated program.
[Beeps and boops of a machine]
Sam (as Machine): Please input commands. I exist to serve you.
Janet (as Middle Manager): Ah! This mindless automaton is just right!
Janet (as Narrator): Said the middle manager. Next, she decided to evaluate candidates on their affordability. First, she tried a baby boomer.
Sam (as Boomer Worker): Well, now I expect a salary that will let me pay down my mortgage, maintain 2 cars, and send my grandkids through college.
Janet (as Middle Manager): This worker is too expensive!
Janet (as Narrator): Said the middle manager. Next, she tried a millennial.
Sam (as Millennial Worker, desperate): Honestly, I’m just looking for something that’ll keep a roof over my head. Maybe I can climb the ladder, put some money away, but that just feels like a pipe dream right now.
Janet (as Middle Manager): This worker is too desperate!
Janet (as Narrator): Cried the middle manager. Finally, she tried a program that could pose as a human to perform basic online customer service.
[Beeps and boops of a machine]
Sam (as Machine): I work 24/7 and cost almost nothing to operate.
Janet (as Middle Manager): Ah! This chatbot is just right!
Janet (as Narrator): Said the middle manager. And she marched triumphantly back to Gold & Locks Ltd head offices.
Janet (as Middle Manager): Good news everyone!
Janet (as Narrator): Proclaimed the middle manager,
Janet (as Middle Manager): Age groups don’t matter now that I’ve found a machine to do their jobs for them!
Janet (as Narrator): But Mr Locks - or possibly Mr Gold - said,
Sam (as Mr. Gold/Locks): Oh, middle manager, we forgot to tell you. You’ve been replaced by a hiring algorithm.
Janet (as Middle Manager): …Oh.
Sam (as Mr. Gold/Locks): It’s cheap, and unencumbered by ethical qualms around biased hiring!
Janet (as Narrator): And the moral of the story is, we’re all doomed. The end.
Sam (as Mr. Gold/Locks, fading out, to machine): What’s that? You want me to kill for you?!
Blackout: Campaign Meeting (22:08)
Janet: If you’ve followed politics in the last few years, the following news will come as no surprise. According to researchers, sh–[censor beep] sucks.
Sam: That’s right, Janet. The researchers looked at voting patterns in recent elections. Bizarre as it sounds, old people actually support sucky sh–[censor beep]. Could it be that they suck sh–[censor beep]? Perhaps.
Janet: But what can be done about ‘the silver menace?’ Work It attended a meeting of progressive political consultants as they try to wrest the future away from these hopeless fossils.
[We cut to: Ambience of political campaign meeting – phones, papers, chatter, white noise…]
Sam (as Adviser 1): How are we not the clear front-runners in this election, Kat? We’ll build housing, transit, and green infrastructure and jobs. Meanwhile, our opponent is claiming we’ll sell Christmas to China. And he’s winning!
Janet (as Adviser 2): It’s the damn boomers, Tom. According to our polling, their top issue is that a sushi restaurant opened in town and whether, and I quote, “that might attract the wrong element.”
Sam (as Adviser 1): That’s not even a type of racism I’ve heard before.
Janet (as Adviser 2): Our opponent’s received huge investment from the estate of Christie Blatchford to R&D new types of racism.
Sam (as Adviser 1): We’ve got no choice. On election day, we’ve got to distract the old people.
Janet (as Adviser 2): But how?
Sam (as Adviser 1): We’ll need to bombard them with things they won’t be able to resist just long enough to maybe have one decent election result!
Janet (as Adviser 2): What about…Golden Griddle glue traps?
Sam (as Adviser 1): CBC all-day naked curling marathon.
Janet (as Adviser 2): A La-Z-Boy that releases ketamine through the skin.
Sam (as Adviser 1): A nice piece of apple pie at the bottom of a pit.
Janet (as Adviser 2): Don Cherry cam-show.
Sam (as Adviser 1): Where he’s edging on saying slurs.
Janet (as Adviser 2): They’ll be powerless to resist.
Sam (as Adviser 1): Grab the ketamine. We’ve got an election to win.
Blackout: Vox Pop 3, (23:52)
(Character breakdown: the characters are as they were in the previous installments; joining them someone from the Greatest Generation – absolutely ancient, struggling to get his words out; Generation Alpha – a small child; and the now-talkative member of The Silent Generation – highly eloquent)
[Ambient street noise]
Janet: We’re back on the streets of downtown Westdale talking to people from different generations.
Sam: For our last question, let’s find out what people think of millennials as workers. Here’s Gen X.
[SFX cut in street noise, which quickly fades back in]
Janet (as Gen X): Lousy, entitled, attention-seeking-
Janet: Now a boomer.
Sam (as Boomer): Spoiled rotten, heads buried in their cell phones-
Sam: Let’s try Gen Z.
Janet (as Gen Z): Sooo boring, full of themselves-
Janet: The Greatest Generation??
Sam (as Greatest Generation): Self-centred snowflakes, no sense of humour.
Sam: Generation Alpha?
Janet (as Gen Alpha): I hate them! They’re stupid!
Sam: Aren’t your parents Millennials?
Janet (as Gen Alpha): Pumpkin spice latte-ass narcissists-
Janet: The Silent Generation??
Sam (as Silent Gen): I unreservedly detest them! I shall enumerate my reasons thus…
Janet: Uhhh, sorry, aren’t you supposed to…
Sam (as Silent Gen): Oh! I mean-
[Complete silence for 4 seconds or so]
Scene: Worst Generation with Fart Winslowe (25:07)
(Character breakdown: Fart Winslowe (DJ) is a typical talk-radio blowhard; Tooty Winslowe-Sanchez (Kid) is an impatient zoomer who is, admittedly, much smarter than him)
[Radio static as ‘someone’ moves around the dial and then settles on some classic rock, fading out]
Sam (as DJ): That was Corporal Toad and the Rainbow Explosion with “M’lady Reeks of Asphodel”. This is Fart Winslowe. Folks, I wanna talk about little Greta Thunberg – have you heard about this kid? The one thing Greta proves is this: kids today are so damn entitled. “I’m entitled to air, I’m entitled to a planet” – waah, waah, waah.
Janet (as Kid): Oh my god, dad, this is soooo lame.
Sam (as DJ): (aside)
Sorry folks, it’s Take Your Kids to Work Day. This is my “SJW” zoomer stepdaughter, Tooty Winslowe-Sanchez.
Janet (as Kid): You think we’re entitled because we want a habitable planet?
Sam (as DJ): Damn right. See, this eco-freako stuff shows you don’t have the slightest understanding of economics.
Janet (as Kid): Elaborate.
Sam (as DJ): If you had your way, there’d be no jobs left!
Janet (as Kid): Elaborate.
Sam (as DJ): Well, obviously… uh, there’s a little thing called supply and demand. And what about markets? Can’t forget those! And let’s see, uh… Alan Smith?
Janet (as Kid): Adam Smith!
Sam (as DJ): I bet Greta hasn’t read a word of Alan Smith, the founder of modern catapultism.
Janet (as Kid): It’s capitalism, dad, you walking sinecure.
Sam (as DJ, ‘explaining’): Catapultism is an economic system where goods enter the market widely and with force, as if via catapult.
Janet (as Kid): I hate you.
Sam (as DJ): And as we all know, “Catapultism is the worst economic system, except for all the others.” Wilson Churchmouse.
Janet (as Kid): It’s Winston Churchill. And he didn’t even say that. ”
Sam (as DJ): Enough chit-chat, we’ve got commercials to play. Some of us earn a living…
Janet (as Kid): Need a hand with the computer there?
Sam (as DJ): Hang on…
[Some button clicking and beep-ing of a computer error, which grows more frequent and ‘impatient’ as the scene goes on]
Janet (as Kid): The mouse isn’t plugged in, dad!
Sam (as DJ): It’s gotta be one of these buttons.
Janet (as Kid): God, this is just like with the TV remote.
Sam (as DJ): Do I need to press input here then?
Janet (as Kid): Is there a button that says input?
Sam (as DJ): Hang on, I’ll check.
(beat)
No.
Janet (as Kid): So I guess you don’t press “Input”, do you?
Sam (as DJ): There should really be an input button here.
Janet (as Kid): Sigh
Sam (as DJ): Well, where do I plug in the internet then?
Janet (as Kid, explaining as if to a child): You see this folder called “Ads”? That’s where the ads are.
Sam (as DJ): Well, why do they make these computers so damn complicated? Boy, if I’d been an inventor, I’d have cleaned up.
Janet (as Kid, sarcastic): Gee dad, like your idea for a grill with a TV in the lid?
Sam (as DJ): Cut, cut! You know I’m still trying to get the patent on that.
Janet (as Kid): Wow, you mean Cousin Trent didn’t figure that out yet?
Sam (as DJ): Look, Cousin Trent is working on the patent, he just needs more time.
Janet (as Kid): Cousin Trent crashed his Firebird into the high-school gym last week. His business acumen may be overstated…
[Radio static as ‘someone’ moves around the dial again and back to our ‘Bongo Madness’ sting]
Blackout: Ads (28:06)
[Inspiring, uplifiting commercial music in the background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Out now from Westdale App Developers: a social media app just for boomers! That’s right, new from WAD, it’s: Faceboomer.
Now, I know what you’re saying: “But Bill –” (My name’s Bill.) “But Bill, isn’t Facebook already 99% boomer drivel anyways?”
While most Facebook posts are fever-dream fake-news gibberish, sometimes a post slips through by someone under 50. With Faceboomer, that’s one post too many!
But don’t take it from me:
Janet (as Boomer 1): My children joined Bernie Sanders’ communist death cult and now they won’t help me work the printer.
Sam (as Voiceover): Or how about:
Sam (as Boomer 2): Pervert George Soros turns Tom Brady twink and now he won’t help me work the printer.
Sam (as Voiceover): And let’s not forget:
Janet (as Boomer 3): Atheist immigrants made Jesus illegal and now they won’t help me work the printer.
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s right, folks, it’s Faceboomer: A kaleidoscopic nightmare of diseased imagination.
[80s action music in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): Howdy, folks. Yolanda here from Millennial Trophies, where our motto is: “Everybody gets a trophy!”
Janet (as Mediocre Girl): I ran a race and came in ninth!
Janet (as Voiceover): You get a trophy!
Sam (as Mediocre Boy): I got a C in Math!
Janet (as Voiceover): You get a trophy!
Sam (as Goth Teen): I’m goth!
Janet (as Voiceover): You definitely get a trophy! Founded in 2012, our mission is to give boomers something to write angry letters to the editor about. And boy, has it worked!
[Background music stops; we cut to: the sound of keys clacking on a keyboard, as Yolanda’s uncle writes:]
Sam (as Uncle): Dear newspaper. These millennials want something for nothing! In my day, I’d drive my Ford Cancer to the soup factory, count soup for a week, and buy a house.
[Keyboard sounds stop and background music resumes]
Janet (as Voiceover): Thanks, Uncle Mort. So come on down to Millennial Trophies: on Memorabilia Blvd., across from the haunted parking lot. Use the offer code “@WorkItPod” to get a free trophy with your trophy!
Scene: Roger & Vera
[Old-timey swing music in the background]
Sam (as Roger): Vera! You said this fibre supplement would fix my bowel problems, but they’re only getting worse!
Janet (as Vera): Hush, Roger! We’re live!
Sam (as Roger): Oh dear…
Janet (as Vera): Hello, my darlings, and welcome back to Roger & Vera’s Nostalgia Show. Today, we’re talking about how to keep the peace between generations at work.
Sam (as Roger): Peacekeeping! What ever happened to good old-fashioned imperialism?
Janet (as Vera): Now, the news is full of Millennials, Gen Z, Boomers-
Sam (as Roger): Boomers? Those no-good hippies!
Janet (as Vera): And it seems that none of them can get along. Well. Roger & I have lots of experience here. Isn’t that right?
Sam (as Roger): Kill them all, I say!
Janet (as Vera): You’re supposed to stick to the script, dear.
Sam (as Roger): Oh. Let’s see here…
[Paper rustles]
Sam (as Roger): Dadgummit, Vera! I lost my reading glasses!
Janet (as Vera): Oh fine. Now poppets,–
Sam (as Roger): They were on my head!
Janet (as Vera): Now poppets, Roger & I first met at work. Back in those days, the old guard and the up-and-comers were always at odds.
Sam (as Roger): For starters, all these young fellas wanted to hire girls! Can you believe it? Girls at the prostate factory?
Janet (as Vera): My first boss wouldn’t allow tampon dispensers in the ladies’ room. [chuckles] I ripped out my uterus with my bare hands just to fit in!
Sam (as Roger): Always an impediment, that uterus.
Janet (as Vera): The older workers didn’t like young workers taking breaks. They thought we were sneaking off to get intimate in the pumphouse!
Sam (as Roger): The diddle-house, we called it! Been a while since we snuck out there, Vera.
Janet (as Vera): We have running water now, Roger, we don’t need a diddle-house.
Sam (as Roger): Oh, I can’t get it up anymore, anyway. Also, the young kids at the office were all on drugs!
Janet (as Vera): Oh it’s true, we youngsters did it all. Caffeine…tobacco…PCP…
Sam (as Roger): The older fellows stuck to licking toads, all very civilised.
Janet (as Vera): Anyway, you might be wondering what we did to bridge that generation gap.
Sam (as Roger): We got married!
Janet (as Vera): Roger’s 37 years older than me, you see.
Sam (as Roger): It was win-win! I got you to lay off that PCP.
Janet (as Vera): And I sacrificed my career to tend house and pretend I didn’t notice all those trips to the diddle-house with your secretary.
Sam (as Roger): Wowee, she was somethin’!
Janet (as Vera): Don’t worry about the age gap, I was a 24-year-old spinster by then and happy to accept the first offer to come my way.
[pause]
Aren’t you going to add anything, Roger? Roger??
Sam: …Uh, hey Janet? This sketch goes on for…
[Paper rustles]
Sam: 17 more pages.
Janet (as Vera): Oh! Haha, another gentleman seems to have joined us…
Sam: I don’t think I can do that horny old man voice much longer. Can’t we just stop?
Janet (stage whispering): Sam! You’re breaking the 4th wall!
Sam: So? It’s not like anyone’s listening.
Janet: Don’t you know what happens?…
[Swing music ends; tense, cinematic music starts – it’s a movie trailer, come to life]
Sam (as Voiceover): This summer.
Sam: Know what?
Sam (as Voiceover): What happens…
[Heavy stomping and growling fade in]
Sam (as Voiceover): When the 4th wall…
Janet: Oh my god, it’s coming for us!
Sam (as Voiceover): Breaks you?
[Crashing; growling; devouring of flesh!]
Sam & Janet: Aaaaaaaaaaaa!
Sam (as Voiceover): The movie event of the year.
[Crowds screaming and running; a monster(?) growls]
Sam (as Crowd Person 1): Help! The 4th Wall is coming for us!
Janet (as Crowd Person 2): This is a really stupid bit! Oh no!! Aaaaaa!
[The monster(?) noisily feasts on flesh; their stomping stops]
Sam (as Voiceover): Starring Scarlet Johanssen as… The Wall.
Janet (as Crowd Person 3): She’s such a versatile actress! Aaaaa!
[The monster(?) noisily feasts on flesh]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming this summer.
[Beat]
Sam (as Voiceover, familiar): …Well, not really. Of course this is, I mean, it's just a spoof. You know that, right? I mean, it's Work It, it's a– it's a podcast. It's just a comedy show.
[Stomping faded in, a door creaks open]
Sam (as Voiceover): Gasp! It’s you! I– I didn’t mean to break the 4th-
[The monster growls]
Sam (as Voiceover): Waaaaaaaaa!
[The monster(?) noisily feasts on flesh]
[Music fades out]
Outro (34:36)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Well, there it is folks, episode 34 of Work It in the can. Send it to the seniors and babies in your life. Send it to your large adult sons or your XL adult dads.
Follow us! We’re generation gapping out at @workitpod and @spookymaglol on twitter dot com. Fun for ages 9 to 99. But mostly 99.
Work It is written, performed and edited by Janet Mowat and Sam Allemang. Theme music by Qunicas Moreira. Audio mastering by Alex Gilson. spookymag.com
[‘Bongo Madness’ fades out]