Ep. 020
When It Trains, It Bores
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at training, which I swear has nothing to do with the training process that I just went through for my brand new job (in case any of you are listening), please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Hey everyone, it’s episode 20, where we’re talking all about training.
Wow, 20 episodes! Next episode, we’ll be allowed to drink in the US.
Now, you may be saying to yourself: training?! What do you guys know about training? I’d have you know, dear listener, that we at Work It have lots of training to do this radio show. I mean, take me: I – huh. Well, I was in a band. And dropped out of grad school. Okay, take Janet. She’s, uh, from Winnipeg. And dropped out of grad school.
Okay, fine, don’t listen to us, if you think you’re so smart. But tell me this: am we listening to your show or are you listening to ours? That’s what I thought.
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Work It’s Intern, part 1 (1:20)
(Character breakdown: Clarissa is extremely nerdy.)
[Upbeat, whistley muzak continuous in background]
Janet: Uh, Sam’s supposed to be here right now, but I guess I’ll wing it. Uh, top ten people I’d like to guillotine. #10-
[Door opens]
Sam: Okay, so here’s the studio, this is where the magic happens- Oh! Hey Janet!
Janet: Sam! Where have you been? Who’s this?
Sam: This is Clarissa, our new intern. I’ve just been training her.
Janet (as Clarissa): Hiya!
Janet: Hmph. Just don’t touch anything. We’re on the air.
Sam: Oh great! Come on, Clarissa, I’ll show you how this stuff works.
Janet (as Clarissa): You’ll show me how to…work it? Heh heh!
[Beat]
Sam: Anyway, Clarissa, here’s all the knobs and over here’s the doodads.
Janet (as Clarissa): Sure, looks pretty straightforward.
Sam: Well, it’s actually highly technical stuff-
Janet: It took Sam 8 years to figure out how to turn his mic on.
Sam: Major setback for this show.
Janet: Eh.
Sam: Here’s how you cue up the music-
[Censor bleep, continuous]
Janet: Sam! Turn it off, turn it off!
Sam: I can’t!
Janet (as Clarissa): Oh, I think it’s this. 
[Bleep sound ends]
Janet: Oh thank god.
Sam: Okay, great, you…passed your first test, Clarissa. Uh, so here’s how you turn the mics on-
[Silence, a beat of ~several seconds]
Janet: -you come in here with this interloper, break everything-
Janet (as Clarissa): Uh, I think we’re back on.
Janet: Oh! Good- um, good job.
Sam: Right, great, you’re catching on. So what I meant to do was this-
[Siren, boots marching, shouts]
Janet (as Automated Warning System): Nuclear launch sequence activated.
Sam: Whoops!
Janet: Fix it!
Sam: Oh I know, it’s this one!
[Censor bleep]
Janet (as Clarissa): Oh, I’ll do it!
[Bleep ends]
Janet (as Clarissa): Maybe we can leave the buttons for another time.
Janet: Um, can you guys get out of here now and stop ruining the show?
Sam: Fine. Come on, Clarissa, I’ll show you how I want my socks ironed.
Janet (as Clarissa): I really wish you’d wash them first.
Sam: No time! We’ll be back in a bit for more training, Janet.
[Door slam]
Blackout: Personnel Trainers, part 1 (3:19)
[80s training montage-type music in background, continuous]
Sam (as Trainer 1, energetic): Are you ready to get pumped up?
Janet (as Trainer 2, energetic): Are you ready to train?
[Small-crowd cheers]
Sam (as Trainer 1): We’re your personnel trainers. Let’s get started. First up: dress-code. 
(Instructing the training – rhythmically:)
And blue. And grey. And blue. And grey. 
(To ‘viewers’:)
Great job! Get that vibrancy outta here!
Janet (as Trainer 2): Next up: Customer phone-calls. 
(As if training:)
And one. They’re angry. Put them on hold. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. And hang up. 
(Back to ‘viewer’:)
Great job, your training’s really starting to pay off!
Sam (as Trainer 1): Next up: Sick days. Got a hangover? That’s an easy fix. Take a sick day! Now call your boss. 
(As if training:)
And cough! Cough once! Cough twice! One more time. That’s the trick, you sound really sick.
Janet (as Trainer 2): We’ll be back with some more training later.
Blackout: Training Train (4:08)
(Character breakdown: Boss, in his brief appearance, is masculine, baritone, confident; Annie and Danny are basically children’s entertainers – super upbeat and friendly.)
[Small crowd murmuring]
Sam (as Boss): Welcome, new hires, to Goldsbie Solutions, Inc. This video should answer many of your questions.
[Projector running; cheerful kiddy music in background]
Janet (as Annie): Hey, everyone! I’m Annie!
Sam (as Danny): And I’m Danny! Are you guys ready to start your training?
Janet (as Annie): Haha, I thought so! All aboard…!
[Chugging train, choo choo]
(Singing along to background music:)
Climb aboard the training train /
We’ll have lots of fun today /
Let’s work real hard and learn some skills /
As we chug along our way!
(Talking over the music:)
Sam (as Danny): Gee, Annie, I sure am excited to start our journey with [clearly interpolated] Goldsbie Solutions, Inc. What’s our first stop?
Janet (as Annie): Danny, we’re about to pull into Data Entry Station!
Sam (as Danny): I can’t wait to see what the Training Train has in store for us here!
Janet (as Annie): Well, Danny…
(Trying to sing with the music, but clearly impossible:)
The nomenclature contained herein aims at facilitating the interpretation of the final data at the analysis stage. All the variables are defined in the data dictionaries with names in the form qspnnx where q is a suffix indicating the source questionnaire, sp provides a reference to the section number in the questionnaire (see figure 2.3), and the part in that section if any. When the section has only one part, the particle p is represented by a dash or underscore… 
[This fades out, thank god; train chugging fades out]
Scene: Doctors (5:27)
Janet: In 2016, The New Republic ran a column entitled “Training Good Doctors Starts With the Liberal Arts”.
Sam: What is its argument? No idea, I didn’t read it. But what I do know is this: it has the word “training” in the title, so we’re going to do a sketch about it.
Janet: What would it be like if doctors got humanities degrees?
Sam: Again, I did not take the 8 minutes to read the article. But, uh, maybe something like this?
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Patient): Hey doc, me and the wife are trying to have a baby, but I dunno – I think I’m shooting blanks.
Janet (as Doctor): Mm-hm. And is this perhaps a metaphor for the overwhelming feeling of impotence we feel in a deeply alienated society.
Sam (as Patient): Metaphor?
Janet (as Doctor): A physical manifestation of ennui, of powerlessness in a world of Kafkaesque anonymity. Write 2,000 words and call me in the morning.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Patient): I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts, Doctor. I don’t know what to do.
Janet (as Doctor): The best place to start is still probably Durkheim.
Sam (as Patient): Is that a brand of anti-depressant?
Janet (as Doctor): In a sense. Now, your potential suicide may be classed as egoistic, altruistic, anomic, or fatalistic. And then, of course, there’s Camus, Myth of Sisyphus.
Sam (as Patient): And Schopenhauer too.
Janet (as Doctor): Please leave the recommendations to me, I am a doctor.
Sam (as Patient): Sorry, Doctor.
Janet (as Doctor): But yes, Schopenhauer could help.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Patient): …But Doctor, I am Pagliacci.
Janet (as Doctor): Fascinating. Speaking as a doctor-cum-historian, the “clown” character developed out of the zanni “rustic fool” characters of the early modern commedia dell’arte, which were themselves directly based on the “rustic fool” characters of ancient Greek and Roman theatre.
Sam (as Patient): Sorry, a what historian?
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Patient): My stomach pain is agony; I’m in constant pain.
Janet (as Doctor): But how do we know that it’s real?
Sam (as Patient): It… feels real!
Janet (as Doctor): But were this merely a simulation, the dream of some unseen higher being, would not this ‘pain-sensation’ manifest precisely as it is here? Ostensibly ‘real’ but completely imaginary?
Sam (as Patient): Hey, I guess so! But if that’s the case, what about your academic credentials?
Janet (as Doctor): Oh, no, those are certainly real. I went to the institution that employs Jordan Peterson.
Sam (as Patient): My apologies, you must be smart and not very stupid.
Blackout: Personnel Trainers, part 2 (7:18)
[80s training montage-type music in background, continuous]
Sam (as Trainer 1, energetic): Are you ready to get pumped up?
[Small-crowd cheers]
Janet (as Trainer 2, energetic): Are you ready to train?
[Small-crowd cheers]
Sam (as Trainer 1): We’re your personnel trainers. Time for some advanced training.
Janet (as Trainer 2): How to slack off at work. Get a job where you can listen to music. Now listen to: 
(As if training:)
Books on tape! Stand-up albums! Radio plays! Or podcasts like Work It! Just listen to Work It. There you go, you’re doing great.
Sam (as Trainer 1): Next up: Time tracking. You’ve been on Twitter all day long. Time to log our hours: How many hours of pretend client work will you enter? 
(As if training:)
And 1 – and 2. And all the way to 7.
Janet (as Trainer 2): Got your water bottle? Is it opaque? How many days can you fill it with scotch. 
(As if training:)
And one. And two. And three. And four. Way to go. You deserve a sick day.
Sam (as Trainer 1): Great job, gang! And now you’re fully trained.
Scene: Work It’s Intern, part 2 (8:14)
[Upbeat, whistley muzak continuous in background]
Sam: Hi folks, we’re back with our new intern, Clarissa. I’m showing her how to banter. That’s what Work It is famous for, after all.
Janet (as Clarissa): Famous?
Sam: Okay, here’s how I get my ideas. Let’s start with something in the news. Ummmmm, Janet?
Janet: Uh, the SNC-Lavalin scandal?
Sam: Great.
Janet (as Clarissa): But your show’s not even about politics-
Sam: Now how can we make this funny?
Janet: Hm…there’s always Gerald Butts.
Sam: Great! Gerald Butts…Fart Machine! 
[Fart sound] 
Comedy gold. Now you try one, Clarissa.
Janet (as Clarissa): Okay, umm…well, it could be interesting to hold a mirror up to our society’s corporate servitude, you know? Like, really explore how we’ve internalised-
Sam (while she’s speaking): Mm-hm, mm-hm…
Janet (interrupting): Listen, where do the fart jokes come in?
Janet (as Clarissa): Oh. Uh, I was seeing it as a slightly more nuanced commentary-
Sam: Okay, we’ve all gotta start somewhere, Clarissa.
Janet: We’re wasting time here, guys, we’ve got a show to host literally right now.
Sam: Come on, Clarissa, leave the radio stuff to the pros for now. I’ll show you how to forge my autograph for all that fan mail. Back in a bit, Janet!
[Door slam]
Scene: Drops of Jupiter (9:21)
(Character breakdown: Sandra and HR basically just sound like Janet and Sam; the President is gruff and cartoony.)
[Office ambiance in background, continuous]
Sam (as HR): Congratulations, Sandra, you’ve made it to the end of the on-boarding process.
Janet (as Sandra): It’s not a bother, really.
Sam (as HR): A lot of forms, and a lot of documents, but that’s HR for you.
Janet (as Sandra): No, no. It’s really fine.
Sam (as HR): Well, with all that paperwork out of the way, it’s finally time to train you.
Janet (as Sandra): Exciting stuff.
Sam (as HR): We show this video to all our new hires to get them fully trained and honestly, it’s perfect.
Janet (as Sandra): Wow, let’s get to it.
Sam (as HR): Now pay attention. Okay, it’s time to train in 3 - 2 -
[Click of video popped into video player; the opening notes of Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” play till around the vocal kicks in]
Janet (as Sandra): Can we just pause it real quick?
[End music]
Sam (as HR): It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?
Janet (as Sandra): Not that. It’s just… I mean, this is just the song “Drops of Jupiter,” right?
Sam (as HR): Are you serious?
Janet (as Sandra): I mean… unless I’m missing something?
Sam (as HR): I think you absolutely are missing something.
Janet (as Sandra): I’m terribly sorry.
Sam (as HR): Do you want to be trained?
Janet (as Sandra): Absolutely.
Sam (as HR): Okay then. Let’s try this again.
[Click of video popped into video player; the opening notes of Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” play till around the vocal kicks in]
Janet (as Sandra): I’m sorry, can we pause it one more time?
Sam (as HR): This is really disappointing conduct.
Janet (as Sandra): Now, obviously the band’s name is Train…
Sam (as HR): Obviously.
Janet (as Sandra): And obviously you keep saying that this video is going to “train me”.
Sam (as HR): Of course.
Janet (as Sandra): Now – and please forgive the question – is this just a video of band Train, while offering no job-training per se?
Sam (as HR, muttering to self): Hiring standards around here…
[Bzz of the intercom]
Sam (as President, over intercom): President’s office, this is he!
Sam (as HR): Can you come down here? Sandra’s completely untrainable.
[Click of hanging up; footsteps, office door]
Janet (as Sandra): Mr. President.
Sam (as President): Sandra, it’s crucial we get you trained.
Janet (as Sandra): I want to train. I just… I’m a bit confused about what I’m training in exactly?
Sam (as President): The video covers all that. Look, we’ll give you one last chance.
Janet (as Sandra): I need this job. I promise I’ll train harder this time.
Sam (as HR): You better.
Sam (as President): Have faith, Murray.
Sam (as HR): Fine.
[Click of video popped into video player; the opening notes of Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” play till around the vocal kicks in; we crossfade to the closing notes of the song; a beat]
Sam (as President): Well, Sandra? Any questions?
Janet (as Sandra): A couple.
Sam (as HR): I told you, she simply can’t be trained.
Sam (as President): Well, Sandra, out with it.
Janet (as Sandra): Tell me: did you sail across the sun?
Sam (as President, impressed): By jove!
Janet (as Sandra): Did you make it to the Milky Way?
Sam (as HR, thrilled): I think she’s got it!
Janet (as Sandra): To see the lights all faded?
Sam (as HR, astounded): The results are off the charts!
Sam (as President): I told you!
Janet (as Sandra): And that heaven is overrated?
Sam (as President): Sandra, to answer your questions: Yes, no, no, a little. But more importantly: I’ve never seen anyone train so effectively! Congratulations! Company President!
Janet (as Sandra): Give me that PA system: My first order of business will be to re-train people!
(Over PA:)
Attention staff. Training begins now:
[A clip from Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” plays in background]
Sam (as Voiceover, over song): Train is an American rock band from San Francisco, formed in 1993. The band currently consists of Patrick Monahan, Luis Maldonado, Hector Maldonado, Drew Shoals, Jerry Becker, Sakai Smith, and Nikita Houston.
Scene: Cult of Zorlax (12:55)
(Character Breakdown: Katie is business like – a company woman – whose ominous side shows through as noted; Tom is sort of a 5-out-of-10 in dorkiness, a guileless, nasal-/squeaky-voiced keener; Zorlax is a powerful insectoid martian, whose voice is drenched in reverb.)
[Office ambience, door opens]
Janet (as Katie): Okay Tom, and here’s your office. Feel free to move things around.
Sam (as Tom): This looks great, Katie, thanks!
Janet (as Katie): So I’m thinking I’ll just show you the files you’ll be working with, give you a chance to ask any questions.
Sam (as Tom): Sure, I appreciate how helpful you’ve all been with the training.
Janet (as Katie): Of course, Tom, we’re a real close-knit team here at Zorlax Enterprises. We can’t wait for you to join us.
Sam (as Tom): What, like, going out together on Fridays and stuff?
Janet (as Katie, a bit creepily): Something like that…
[Beat]
Janet (as Katie): So anyway, your files! I’ll just get you going here… [SFX typing]
Sam (as Tom): Wow, your system is so intuitive!
Janet (as Katie): Yes, thanks be to Zorlax.
Sam (as Tom): So Zorlax is the CEO, or?
Janet (as Katie, creepily): You could say that…
[Beat]
Janet (as Katie): Anyway, so let’s take a look at the Robbins project first. You’ll find that this one will take up a lot of your time. 
[Keyboard typing]
Sam (as Tom): Yeah, I can see that. Any tips on dealing with the challenges in this one?
Janet (as Katie): You know what, sometimes you just need to step back, take a deep breath, you know, make some tea, sacrifice a small animal to Zorlax, and everything suddenly-
Sam (as Tom): Wait- wait, say that again?
Janet (as Katie): Yeah, we’ve got an assortment of teas in the break room.
Sam (as Tom): Nonono, the uh…the sacrificing part?
Janet (as Katie): Haha, what?
Sam (as Tom): You said something about sacrificing small animals to Zorlax.
Janet (as Katie): I don’t know what you’re talking about, Tom! Haha, what a strange thing for you to have heard!
Sam (as Tom): But I was so sure…
Janet (as Katie): Moving right along, here’s a spreadsheet that’s been giving us trouble. The numbers just don’t seem to add up.
Sam (as Tom): Oh! Let me take a look, I’m a whiz at this stuff.
[Keyboard typing]
Sam (as Tom, expert): Hm…uh-huh…yeah, there’s your problem. Good as new!
Janet (as Katie): You…you solved the problem. Just like that!
Sam (as Tom): Yep. I mean, spreadsheets are kinda my thing.
Janet (as Katie): You are the chosen one.
Sam (as Tom): Beg pardon?
Janet (as Katie, over walkie-talkie): Team! Assemble! I have found the Chosen One!
[Footsteps approaching; pause; tense, ominous music]
Janet (as Katie, solemn): Behold! I present to you: Tom. He has solved the Robbins spreadsheet issue with a finesse that only Zorlax could have bestowed.
[Gasp from crowd]
Sam (as Tom): Is this a prank or something?
Janet (as Bystander): We must offer him to Zorlax!
Sam and Janet (as Crowd, chanting): Zorlax Zorlax Zorlax Zorlax Zorlax!
Sam (as Tom, confused): Who is Zorlax??
Janet (as Katie): He is an extraterrestrial being, the fabled originator of Zorlax Enterprises. Our employee handbook speaks of the day when he will descend to Earth and close all our deals.
Sam (as Tom): You’re- you’re a cult?
Janet (as Katie): I felt as you did once. There were times when I doubted. Until today, Tom. Until you showed me- you…are the Chosen One.
Sam and Janet (as Crowd, chanting): Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom!
Janet (as Katie): Mighty Zorlax! The time has come! Show yourself to us at last!
[Spaceship landing, lasers]
Sam (as Zorlax): My children. Why do you summon me?
Janet (as Katie): Zorlax! I humbly present to you Tom. He is extremely adept at spreadsheets.
Sam (as Tom): Um, hello.
Sam (as Zorlax): Tom…You impress Zorlax. Together, we will travel the galaxy, solving intricate challenges - in PROJECT MANAGEMENT.
Sam (as Tom): Gee.
Sam (as Zorlax): Tell me, Tom. Do you do agile?
Sam (as Tom): Oh, sorry Zorlax, I’m more of a scrum guy.
Sam (as Zorlax): Oh.
[End tense music]
Sam (as Zorlax): You disappoint me, Tom. Good day. 
[Spaceship departing; trill of a harp and we cut to: door slam]
Sam (as Tom, calling): I’m home!
Janet (as Wife): Hello, darling! How was your first day of work?
Sam (as Tom, hammy): OUT OF THIS WORLD.
[Canned laughter, cheers, applause]
Blackout: Hangover (16:58)
(Character breakdown: Supervisor is cheery, businesslike and unaffected by what transpires; Jenkins is sickly, pained and hungover AF, to use the vernacular.)
[Office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Supervisor): Hiya, Jenkins, I’m Beth from HR. Are you ready to start your training?
Sam (as Jenkins): Ugh, not so loud…
Janet (as Supervisor): You don’t look so good.
Sam (as Jenkins): I may have been out celebrating my new job…
Janet (as Supervisor): You look worse than that.
Sam (as Jenkins): …For the last week.
Janet (as Supervisor): Well, by the end of this training, we’ll turn that frown upside down.
Sam (as Jenkins): Sounds good. Hey – pass that wastebasket wouldja?
Janet (as Supervisor): Oh! Here you go. Okay, first, let’s get your email setup. What do you want as your password? I’ll type it in.
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): Ooh! Secure. Let me just shake off my hands here…
[Light splash of liquid shaken off hand]
Janet (as Supervisor): B-L-U-R-R-R-R-G-H – was there a P at the end of that?
Sam (as Jenkins): No ‘P’, but– uh oh.
Janet (as Supervisor): Now then, let’s take your photo for your IdentiCard. This will get you in and out of the lunchroom. Say cheese!
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): Well, it looks like you had some cheese last night so – close enough.
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): Now, as our new social media hire, you’ll be posting our fun, corporate messaging to Instagram and Twitter. Did you see Denny’s tweet “hashbrowns on fleek”? Or SunnyD having depression? Tell me, Jenkins, do you think you can post content like that?
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): Mm-hm.
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): I see.
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): Exactly! That is the absolute perfect encapsulation of corporate social media accounts in 2019. You just get it, Jenkins.
[Wet vomiting into bucket]
Janet (as Supervisor): How does he do it?!
Scene: The Prodigy (18:26)
(Character breakdown: This scene is a parody of a superhero show from, say, the 50s(?), so the Boss is gruff like a news-paper editor; both the Employees have “Extry! Extry!” vibes; the Announcer is like he’s doing a spot for a radio hero – “Tune in next week!” sorta stuff; the Prodigy is very heroic – a Superwoman type; Jenkins is a random dweeb.)
[Office ambience]
Sam (as Boss): Well everyone, Roberta just quit.
Sam (as Employee 1): With our big deadline looming??
Janet (as Employee 2): And everyone stretched too thin as it is??
Sam (as Employee 1): Boss, there’s no time to train a brand new hire!
Janet (as Employee 2): What will we do??
Sam (as Boss): Folks, we need a miracle.
Sam (as Announcer): This looks like a job for…The Prodigy!
[Brief organ fanfare; crashing through wall]
Janet (as Prodigy): Never fear, workers! I will execute this job to perfection!
Sam (as Announcer): Yes, The Prodigy requires little to no training or supervision to conquer even the most pressing time crunch.
Sam (as Boss): The Prodigy! I need final copies of those reports by end of day.
Janet (as Prodigy): Not a problem, Boss. I’ll have them for you by lunchtime.
Sam (as Boss): Wowee-zowee!
Janet (as Prodigy): And I’ve fixed the bugs in your database.
Sam (as Boss): What a hero!
Sam (as Announcer): With her uncanny corporate aptitude, The Prodigy will make even your best workers look terrible!
Janet (as Prodigy): Jenkins. I’ve noticed several minor errors in your document. I’ve corrected them, and changed the font to one more pleasing to the eye.
Sam (as Jenkins): Oh.
Janet (as Prodigy): I’ve also rearranged your desk to be more ergonomic. I’ve noticed that your posture is suboptimal.
Sam (as Announcer): Why does The Prodigy leap from company to company, rather than thriving in one place? Who’s to say??
Janet (as Prodigy): Boss, I’ve produced a proposal for a dramatic restructuring of the company. It will save us millions every year!
Sam (as Boss): Jiminy Christmas!
Janet (as Prodigy): Your role would become redundant, as would 20% of the current employees.
Sam (as Boss): [Sighs]
Sam (as Announcer): Can no one stop The Prodigy??
Sam (as Boss): Prodigy, I’m sorry, we’re letting you go.
Janet (as Prodigy): But- but why?
Sam (as Boss): You’re just…too good. Obnoxiously good. Everyone hates you.
Janet (as Prodigy, sniffling): Why does this keep happening?
Sam (as Announcer): Tune in next week for more adventures of…The Prodigy!
Janet (as Prodigy, tearful): I just want a job!
Blackout: Training Wheels (20:20)
(Character breakdown: there’s a misdirect here – the two Managers sound like doting, concerned parents, and if you didn’t know their character names, the ‘payoff,’ such as it is, would work better; so, Sales sounds like a 6-year-old boy as well.)
Sam (as Manager One): Are you sure he’s ready?
Janet (as Manager Two): He’s had his training wheels on for three months, Morris. It’s time to take them off.
Sam (as Manager One): If you’re sure….
Janet (as Manager Two): Buddy! Hey, champ, come on over here for a sec.
Sam (as Sales): I’m coming. Are you watching? Are you watching?
Sam (as Manager One): Buddy, you’ve been on your training for three months.
Sam (as Sales): Did I do good?
Janet (as Manager Two): You did great. Your training has been absolutely amazing.
Sam (as Sales): I did the sales calls just like you asked!
Sam (as Manager One): We know you did and…
Sam (as Sales): Here, watch!
[Bike sounds in background – wheels, chain, bell – while he does his sales call]
Sam (as Sales, professional (but kid voice)): I’d like to speak to you about a truly remarkable investment opportunity. Now, it’s only available at this price until midnight. Other users have seen their investment triple.
Janet (as Manager Two): Great work, buddy. Really. Now come on. We’ve got some good news.
Sam (as Manager One): We think you’re ready. We think you’re as trained as you’re gonna be and now you’re ready for the training wheels to come off.
Sam (as Sales): But I don’t wanna do sales without my training wheels!
Janet (as Manager Two): You’re going to do great, and if anything happens me and Morris and the other managers will be here to catch you.
Sam (as Sales): Okay… If you’re sure.
Sam (as Manager One): We’re sure. Now lemme just get down there and…
[Mechanical sounds of a wrench as he takes off the wheels]
Sam (as Manager One): All set.
Janet (as Manager Two): Are you ready, champ?
Sam (as Sales): I… guess so.
Janet (as Manager Two): Let’s start you off with a warm lead.
[Keyboard typing; mouse click; printer]
Janet (as Manager Two): Here you go.
[Bike sounds in background]
Sam (as Sales, sales call voice): I’d like to speak to you about a truly remarkable investment opportunity.
Janet (as Manager Two): You’re doing great, tiger!
Sam (as Sales, excited): I’m selling! I’m selling!
Janet (as Manager Two): Pay attention to the sale, buddy!
Sam (as Sales): Woah! Uh, give us money! One time only!
Janet (as Manager Two): Relax, buddy! Relax!
Sam (as Sales): I’m losing control! Cough up your savings, you old bag. I hate you! Oh no, she hung up!
[Bike crash]
Sam (as Manager One): I told you he wasn’t ready.
Janet (as Manager Two): Buddy, you did your best. But we pushed you too hard. In any event, you’re fired.
Sam (as Manager One): Security will escort you out. Do you want your wheels back on?
Sam (as Sales, sniffling): Yes, please!
[Mechanical sounds of a wrench as he puts on the wheels; bike sounds in background]
Sam (as Sales): Wheee! I’m unemployed, are you watching? Whee!
Scene: Work It’s Intern, part 3 (22:15)
(Character breakdown: as in parts 1 and 2.)
[Upbeat, cheesy muzak in background]
Janet (as Clarissa): Hi, welcome back to Work It. I’m the new intern, Clarissa, doing my very first segment. Ahem. We’ve all heard about Ontario’s new motto, “Open for business”. Here’s my top ten list of Doug Ford’s rejected provincial mottos. [fades; continues inaudibly in background]
Janet: Psst, Sam! Listen, we’ve gotta do something about this intern.
Sam: I know, she ironed my socks all wrong!
Janet: Yeah, but also, she’s clearly better than us. She’s gonna take our jobs!
Sam: You’re right, Janet. She’s way funnier than you.
Janet: And way smarter than you.
Sam: And way prettier than you!
Janet: So what’s the plan?
Sam: We could bully her?
Janet: Cast a hex on her?
Sam: Shoot spitballs at her?
Janet: I’ve tried that, she’s unflappable.
[Phone rings; pick it up]
Janet (as Clarissa): Hello?
[Walla on the other end]
Yes, speaking.
[Walla]
Baroness von Sketch!
[Walla]
You’re right, my talents are being wasted here.
[Walla]
Oh, something in the high-6-figures ought to do.
[Walla]
Thanks, byeee!
[Click of hanging up]
Janet (as Clarissa): I’m outta here, losers! 
[Door slam]
Sam: Traitor.
Janet: How dare she!
Sam: Shoot, we need to finish her segment now! Quick, what’s a provincial motto Doug Ford might have considered?
Janet: Ummmmm…
[Fart]
Blackout: Orientation Handbook (23:37)
Sam (as Voiceover): Selections from Our Orientation Handbook.
[‘Intellectual,’ new age-y ambient music in background, continuous]
Sam: Statutory Holidays. Work It recognizes only the following holidays: Michaelmas, St. Crispin’s Day, The Feast of Hephaestus.
Janet: Conflicts of Interest. A conflict of interest arises when you have to decide if something is interesting or not. For example, “Did you see the new issue of Toronto Life about how to afford a condo”? Not interesting at all. Not even in a dentist waiting room, which – let’s face it – is probably 90% of their circulation. No, completely not interesting. Conflict resolved!
Sam: Harassment. Harassment is bad… You probably think I’m going to make a joke about it now, huh? Well, I’m not. That would be a bit inappropriate, wouldn’t you agree?
[Beat]
Sigh. Okay, I guess you could be like, “Did you hear Janet’s got a problem with harassment?” and then…
(Thinking:)
Buh buh buh… Maybe it’s a mint she put in her a–[censor beep]?
I don't know. Not that, but something like that.
Janet: Civil Service Superannuation Fund Pension Information. I think we can all agree, those are certainly words. If I had to guess, it’s like normal annuation but, uh, better. And then you’ve got “information” in there too. So that’s a plus.
Sam: Collective Agreement. At Work It, we have total agreement that Animal Collective suck, Collective Soul suck, but Soul Asylum have some bangers.
Janet: Occupational Health and Safety. In the interest of optimal health and safety, Work It has begun hiring only the fittest, buffest, dumbest dudes around. As screened by me, Janet.
Sam: No we haven’t.
Janet: Get him, Hugo!
Sam (as Hugo): Grrrr!
[Struggling, fighting; fading out]
Sam (as Hugo): Smash!
Sam (resisting): No, you don’t smash!
Sam (as Hugo): Yes, I do!
Scene: Jarg-o-nator (25:11)
(Character breakdown: Boss is businesslike; Jeffrey is dorky and squeaky; the Voiceover sounds like he’s an infomercial voiceover; Jarg-o-Nator is a stiff, monotonous-sounding machine.)
[Office ambience]
Janet (as Boss): Ah, Jeffrey, welcome aboard.
Sam (as Jeffrey): Happy to be here, Ms Gifford!
Janet (as Boss): Now if you don’t mind, we’ll just dive straight into the onboarding.
Sam (as Jeffrey): Sure thing!
Janet (as Boss): Great. Now the biggest disruptor in this space is deliverables.
Sam (as Jeffrey, uncertain): Uh-huh… 
[He keeps making uncertain noises in the background as boss spews this:]
Janet (as Boss, fading halfway through): With the help of Big Data, we want to be on the bleeding edge of transformative growth hacks. We love ideation! Deep dives! What’s your core competency? Contextual marketing? Snackable content? Add that to the corporate synergy! Our runway is short - we need to pivot to value adds, push back against pain points. We want to be disruptors! Innovators!
Sam (as Voiceover, over the boss): Has this ever happened to you?
Sam (as Jeffrey, dismayed): Oh no!
Sam (as Voiceover): Then you need the Jarg-o-nator! Guaranteed to translate even the most impenetrable corporate buzzwords! Watch…
[Fade back in on the Boss; computer beeps]
Janet (as Jarg-o-nator): We are struggling financially and desperately need your expertise. I use language to compensate for my own professional shortcomings.
Sam (as Jeffrey): Aha!
Sam (as Voiceover): The best part? The Jarg-o-nator goes both ways!
Sam (as Jeffrey): Ms Gifford, I can already tell that you’re doing everything all wrong.
[Computer bloops]
Janet (as Jarg-o-nator): Perhaps we should move the needle and think outside the box. Let us unpack some key disruptors going forward.
Janet (as Boss): Jeffrey, I just know you’ll be a transformative change agent here.
[Bloops]
Janet (as Jarg-o-nator): Please save our company, Jeffrey.
Sam (as Jeffrey): Thanks, Jarg-o-nator!
Janet (as Jarg-o-nator): I crave the sweet release of death.
Blackout: Common (26:46)
Sam: In 2018, Starbucks provided anti-racial bias training to its staff, featuring a video with the rapper Common. Work It has obtained audio of some of the other musicians considered for this role.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Janet (as Marketing): Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule, Mark E. Smith. We’re excited to partner with The Fall to promote inclusiveness and respect.
Sam (as Mark): F–[censor beep] off, ya c–[beep]; alright, lads!
[Post-punk instrumental in background]
Sam (as Mark, ‘singing’): Starbucks-a, tastes like p–[beep]ss-a.
Janet (as Marketing, muttering): I knew we should have gotten Common.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Janet (as Marketing): “Weird” Al, thank you for coming in and bringing your spin to anti-racism.
Sam (as Al, squeaky): My song was inspired by the words of Dr. King.
Janet (as Marketing): That’s good!
Sam (as Al): This is called Anti-Racism Polka.
Janet (as Marketing): Uh-oh.
[Upbeat polka instrumental in background]
Sam (as Al, singing): I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation...
Janet (as Marketing, muttering): I knew we should have gotten Common.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Janet (as Marketing): Sean “Puffy” Combs. What a timely reference you are in the year twenty-nineteen. Thank you for dropping by.
Sam (as Puffy): Yeah.
Janet (as Marketing): Now then, I understand you have a remix about racial bias to share with us.
Sam (as Puffy): Yeah.
[Poppy hip-hop instrumental in background]
Sam (as Puffy, ‘singing’): Uh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Unh.
Janet (as Marketing): This only thing more ‘common’ than this joke would be if we’d gotten Common.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Janet (as Marketing): Mozart, do you want to be in this scene?
Sam (as Mozart, very German): Ja!
[Some Mozart plays in background]
Janet (as Marketing): Iggy, you in?
Sam (as Iggy): You know it, man.
[“Lust for Life” plays in background, over the Mozart]
Janet (as Marketing): Bjork?
Bjork (via clip): It is Christmas time and I am sitting here by my TV.
[A record scratch and we cut to:]
Janet (as Marketing, relieved): Common, thank you for joining us! We’re looking for something up-lifting, inoffensive, something that screams #RaceTogether. Can you help us?
Common (via clip for his Microsoft AI commercial): We have mixed reality that changes how we see the world and AI empowering us to change the world…
[Fades to background]
Janet (as Marketing): God–[censor beep]it, he’s got Sponsorship Brain. He doesn’t know which corporate partner is which anymore. Sigh. Is Iggy still here?
Common (via clip): What will you do with it?
Scene: Outro (28:43)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: There it is, folks, episode 20 of Work It in the can. The training train is pulling into the station and, like the Simpsons said, we choo-choo-chew our food very carefully to avoid indigestion. Or something like that.
For more training tips and draining quips, make sure to follow @WorkItPod on twitter, facebook and Instagram. With upward mobility like that, you’ll bang your head on something. And rate and review the show on your podcast app of choice to help other people find it. Share this episode with a friend to save for a ‘trainy’ day. By the time they get to that joke, it’ll be too late. Yay!
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]